Back to December

We've been through everything together, Zander and I.

 

It's funny though, because before we dated I hated him.  We would yell and scream at each other or throw things across the room.

 

All of this changed withing three days.  He took my up to Canda to find my son.

 

Yeah, I had a son at 16.  No, I'm not a w***e...I was raped.  But now as a 19 year old girl, I found myself longing for my son, who had been taken during a car accident shortly after his birth.  His name was Jourdan.

 

*        *        *        *

 

When I wake up, I'm in a sleazy, gross hotel room.  There's steam flooding under the closed bathroom door and the light is shining obnoxiously bright through the open window.

 

I hear the water in the bathroom shut off as an almost naked Zander emerges in the doorway.  I eye him curiously.  He had a towel wrapped around his lower half, thank the f*****g Lord.

 

"What?" Zander looked at me, suspicion in his eyes.

 

I shook my head and said, "Nothing."

 

"It's never nothing, Claire."

 

I turned away and close my eyes.  "Could you just put some f*****g pants on?"

 

He laughed lightly at me.  I heard the rustling of his jeans.  Zander sat on the bed next to me, his jet black 'emo' hair covering his bright green eyes.  I.  Hate.  Him.

 

*        *        *        *

 

Something came over me in the hallway.  It was creepy...all of a sudden I wanted him.  He smelled so sweet and he was so, god forbid, hot.

 

I couldn't help it.

 

He was smirking at me like he knew what I was thinking, which, come to find out later, he did.

 

But that smirk was so sexy I practically melted.

 

I pushed him tightly against the wall, standing on my toes.  My hands against the hideous floral wallpaper, pinning him there.  His smirk grew wider, probably because he thought I would kiss him.  Looking strait into his eyes, my face was serious.

 

We stood there glaring at each other for a while before I broke the silence.

 

"Go check out of our room, then if you're a good boy I'll f**k you harder than you've ever been fucked."

 

His eyes grew wide with disbelief as I pulled back and walked back to the room to pack up my stuff.

 

He was a good boy alright.  Very good if you catch my drift.

 

*        *        *        *

 

About one year after Canada we got married.  Our daughter, Ever, was born the following Valentine's day.  She had Zander's jet black hair and my icey blue eyes.

 

It was creepy, though, how attatched they were to each other.  Ever was always with him and whenever she cried, he was always to her first.

 

At first I had thought something was wrong, but Zander assured me that he just loved his kid.  And after a while they would involve me more and seclude themselves less.

 

I woke up with Ever next to me.  She was screaming, per usual, but she wanted me for comfort.  Me.

 

I sat up as she climbed onto my lap and hugged her tight.

 

"Mommy, they gonna omnom me..."  The tears streamed down her face.  I couldn't help but to laugh lightly.  "It not funny Mommy!"

 

"I know, I'm sorry baby."

 

By this time, Zander had awakened, his soft hair in a mess and his green eyes glowing in the almost dark.  He turned on the bedside lamp and looked at Ever as he rubbed his tired eyes.

 

"Ever, why are you awake this early?"  He asked.

 

"They eated me Da!  They cut me up and eated me for dinner!"

 

I looked at Zander and he was trying so hard to hold back a laugh.

 

Ever pushed away from me, holding her arms out towards her daddy.  He hugged her to him and she grew quiet.

 

This feeling panged inside me.  I wasn't jealous, no, I couldn't be jealous.  This feeling, it just welled up inside me, it had been for a while.  I wanted to scream.  Maybe even push my baby off Zander.  My Zander.

 

But instead, I just got up and left the room with them watching me, their eyes glued to my back.  And I know that if I didn't leave that I would break down and one of us would get hurt.  Because that's what happens around me; people get hurt.

 

I sank down against the tan hallway wall and tears ran down my cheeks.  Damn it felt great to cry.  No, not just casual crying, but that crying of a person who keeps everything bottled up.  The crying of a person who can't let go.  And possibly, the crying of someone who needed to get away.

 

It took him long enough, but Zander's door clicked open and he emerged by himself, no chlid hanging on him for the first time in almost three years.

 

He looked down at me,  "Baby are you okay?"

 

I wiped my face until the skin turned red, "Yeah, I'm fine."

 

"You don't seem fine..."

 

I looked up at him, my eyes searching his perfect, pourless face.  Zander sat next to me.

 

"Baby, tell me what's wrong,"  He pleaded.

 

I sighed as I rested my head against his shoulder with my face buried in his neck.  "No, really, I'm fine.  Nothing is wrong."

 

"Don't."

 

"Don't what?"

 

"Don't fake it."  Zander pulled me into him, wrapping me up in his arms.  It's exactly what I needed, right at the exact time.  "Claire, I love you."

 

I couldn't help but to smile up at him.  "I love you too, Zander."

 

"Then tell me why you're crying..."

 

I shook my head against his chest.  "Don't worry about it, it's nothing....It's stupid..."

 

Zander sighed.  "No, it's not.  I don't like it when my baby cries."

 

"It's nothing you did."  Yes it is.  "I just..."  I sighed again.  "I was just thinking about something."  No I wasn't.

 

"What were you thinking about?"

 

"I don't even remember."

 

That's how we sat for what seemed like forever.  But that's okay, I didn't mind.  It was perfect.

 

*        *        *        *

 

Weeks later, I sat in my room crying.  No not because of something stupid Zander did.  But when I woke up, there was blood all around me.  It was stained into my sheets and pj pants.  Even into my skin.

 

I was shaking, but I got up and found my way to Zander's room.

 

Zander looked at me.  "What happened?"

 

"I don't know..."  I was bawling.  The TV blared loudly as shadows danced across Zander's face.  I slowly made my way to his bed and sat buried in his lap.  He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my forehead.  Do you think I miscarriaged?

 

"Sadly...yes."  He sighed.

 

I reached over and pulled a pair of Power Rangers pj pants from onto of the dresser.  Zander helped me take off my bloody ones as I tried to put on his clean ones.  Still shaking, I looked up at his face.

 

He hugged me tighter.

 

I pulled away from him and fixed my eyes out the window.

 

"Baby, are you going to be okay?"

 

I wiped my eyes.  "Yeah, I'll....I'll be fine."

 

Zander lightly touched my chin, making me look at him.  "Claire, don't act like you're fine when you obviously aren't."

 

A new set of tears rained down my face.  I nodded.  "It's fine.  I'm fine."  I pulled his hand away.  "It's not like we were planning on having another baby..."

 

"But I know you wanted another one..."

 

"I know I did, but...I don't know..."

 

Zander flicked his hair.  His curious eyes searched my face.

 

"What?"

 

"Nothing..."

 

"Zander, please tell me."

 

Zander shook his head.  He has this tendency to not tell me anything.  Which is completely unfair since he can pretty much read my mind and knows everything that's going on in our house, which we share with our friends/family.

 

It kind of bothers me...

 

"Why do you do that?"

 

"Do what?"

 

"Not tell me anything."  I gave him a pissed face but the only reaction I got from him was a mocking laugh.

 

"Because..."

 

"Because why?"

 

"Because I don't want to."

 

I got up and left the room, calling over my should to him, "Well when your second wife divorces you at least you'll know why."

 

*        *        *        *

 

Ever was crying in the hallway.

 

I rubbed my face as I got up and went to go see what in hell she wanted.  Frozen in the doorway, I looked down at her.

 

Somehow, she had managed to get paint all over herself and hit her head against the wall, bleeding and swelling.

 

Blood doesn't really like me...it makes me vomit.

 

"Zander..."  I yelled from where I stood.

 

"What?"  Zander came from his bedroom and leaned in the doorway.  My eyes stayed fixed on Ever.  "F**k a duck...."

 

"Could you not swear around her?  I don't really need her swearing just yet."

 

"Yeah, whatever..."  He went back into his room.

 

I closed my eyes and tried not to think about all the blood.

 

Not even a minute passed before Zander came out again, this time with a wet washcloth.  He knelt down by Ever and dabbed her wound lightly.

 

Ever screamed for bloody f*****g murder.

 

"Claire, go start the car, I'll be right down."

 

I grabbed my keys off my desk and raced downstairs.  I opened the car door, jamming my key into the ignition and the engine roared to life.

 

Zander carried Ever down to the car.  I watched as he put her securely into her car seat and got in next to her.

 

Later, at the emergency room, Ever got 13 stitches on her forehead.  We were told there was small chances of scarring.

 

After we got home, we found that Ever had not only painted herself, but had also thought it would be funny to repaint Zander's room.  She killed his pet rabbit, Pancake.

 

*        *        *        *

 

"This child is to weird to be mine.  Are you sure you didn't sleep with my brother?"  Zander looked at me as he asked.  I'm not sure if he was kidding or if he was completely serious, but either way, it pissed me off.

 

"Do you really think I would cheat on you?!"

 

"Well..."

 

"I can't f*****g believe you think that!  You know I would never cheat on you!  Never!"  I practically growled at him.  I was so pissed that I had started shaking.

 

"Baby, calm down.  I was joking."

 

"Don't f*****g call me that."

 

"I'm sorry..."

 

I glared at him.

 

"Really, I am...I didn't think you would get this mad..."  Zander cowered into himself.

 

"You know I would never f*****g cheat on you.  Why would you even f*****g joke about that?!  God, you piss me off Zander.  I hate you so much."

 

"Then why are we even married?"  He looked up at me, his eyes filled with hurt.

 

I sighed as I looked away.  "Because I love you..."

 

Zander looked down at his lap.  "Do you really?"

 

"What?"

 

"Do you actually love me?  Or am I wasting my time?"

 

I turn around to face him again.  "There's a reason I wear this."  I held up my hand, showing off my wedding ring.  "I wouldn't be wearing it if I didn't love you."

 

"Jasmin wore it...she didn't love me."

 

"Yeah, well, Jasmin is a w***e."

 

Zander laughed lightly.

 

"Zander?"

 

"What?"

 

"Why do you want me?"

 

"Why do I want you?"

 

I nod.  "Yeah."

 

"I want you because you're beautiful.  You're smart.  You're funny.  You're fun to be with.  And because I love you."  Zander pulled me down onto his lap.

 

I smiled weakly.

 

He lifted my chin up so my eyes met his.  He lightly brushed my hair out of my face and grinned softly at me.  "Don't forget that...ever."

 

I nodded.  "I won't."

 

Zander kissed me lightly on the lips.  I fell asleep in his arms.

 

*        *        *        *

 

I'll never forget the day Zander died.  He had told me he would never leave me and that he loved me.

 

I don't remember how long I had been sleeping.  But it seemed like forever.

 

When I get depressed, I sleep.  The only things I wake up for are showers and the occasional bite to eat.  And I do mean bite, nothing more.

 

The only thing I haven't tried to surpress is what he told me.  Other than that, everything else seems like a blur.  Maybe that's because I tried to forget, failing miserably every time.

 

He died in a car accident.  He got hit by a driver that was on the wrong side of the road.  His car went up and flames and, well, so did he.  My sister, Amelie, often times wakes me because I'm crying or screaming for Zander.

 

I regret saying everything I did to him.  For hurting him when we argued.  And just for arguing with him at all.

 

Now I can't function.  It's like he burnt my heart with him.

 

*        *        *        *

 

I can't take it anymore, being by myself.  Life just seems to drag on endlessly.  Amelie won't let me sleep for more than five hours at a time and I can feel myself getting more depressed everyday.

 

I can't live without him any longer.

 

So now, I hugged Ever goodbye.  I told her how much she means to me and how much I love her.

 

I went into my closet and find the blade Zander had made me promise I would never use again and I put it into my flesh.

 

Only minutes later I found myself outside, sitting on the snow covered ground.  I dragged the blade up my arm and watched as the blood pooled out of my arm.

 

And I smiled to myself as I slowly bled to death, a small tear running down my face.

 

Now I can be with him forever.

Reviews

[Michaela Briggeman]

This is amazing. Character development was pristine,and all i can say is AMAZING WRITE!! XD Loved the ending! haha i must be morbid or something, but yeah. Amazing! The story line was extremely believable and it took all of like the first sentence for me to be completely into the story. XD

[Shelbeh-Saur-Rawr-Ness]

Jami,I loved it. I started crying. And I think Zander-Rawr did too. Maybe just because you killed him. But it was a beautiful story. Amazing job. :)

[Brad]

s**t...this captivated me on the get-go...you have a natural gift for story telling...i am in awe

[Taylor H.]

wonderfully heart wrenching. a very sad/happy ending with lots of emotion. Wonderful job!

[watch_the_world]

This actually made me cry, soooo powerful,
GREAT GREAT write xD
Love you jamison xD