What if you asked God for help, and he did. (Comedy)

This is a little comedy I wrote pretty recently month and year wise.

 

What if you asked God for help, and he did? 4/6/07

 

What if you asked God for help, and he did? What if he became your friend for a while, and pushed his way into every part of your life, even the parts you didn’t want help on. Oh, and he sounded just like John Cleese from Monty Python. This is that story.

 

Bob was a pretty normal guy, he had a normal life, well, maybe not too normal. He was having a few problems at work, a few with his girlfriend, and a few, well with everyone and everything in his life. I guess Bob wasn’t that normal. One day Bob was having an especially bad day and decided to go for a walk in the woods near his home. He thought to himself, “Well I haven’t been very religious in my life, maybe I should try asking god for help?” And he did?

“God, please help me, I’m so confused with my life.” He looked around, nothing. He felt foolish. “So God is everywhere and in every thing, uh, yeah right.” He leaned down and picked up a rock, “I suppose you’re in here then,” he shakes the rock, “Hello God, you there.”

“No my son, I was under the rock having a conversation with this slug and salamander.”

Bob jumped back dropping the rock, it rolled almost onto where a miniature figure stood.

“Careful, I see you’re clumsy too”

“Oh my God, you’re God?”

“Well what did you expect? Thunder and lightning, a big booming voice.”

Bob shook his head, “Well, yes, I sort of did.”

“Well that was the old days, when more people believed in me. Now I appear like this, to my smaller creations that still know me.”

“Uh God, I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”

“No, no, it’s ok, and about time mind you. I’ve been waiting.”

“For me?”

“Well, anyone really, I was getting bored, insects and animals don’t have much to talk about. So, what can I do for you?”

Bob pondered the question, “Well God, I’ve been having some problems in my life.”

God put his hands to his to his head, “Lets have a look shall we.”

“Oh my Me! You have had a rough time of it haven’t you. Ok Bob, here’s what we’re going to do. I’m going to spend a few days with you and see where you need the help most, how does that sound my son?”

“Bob was shaking, “You’ll be with me, every day?”

“God held up a hand, “A few days only, I am a busy God you know.”

Bob nodded, “Of course Lord, I understand, but how will we do this.”

God rubbed his chin as he thought about it, “Well, you’ll be the only one that can hear and see me, I’ll just hang out, as you people say and give guidance where I can.”

Bob clapped his hands, “Great, thank you God.”

God covered his ears, “Do you mind, I am a bit smaller right now. So, off you go, I’ll be along directly.”

“Oh, sorry Lord.”

Bob turned and started walking towards the nearest street leading to his home. He felt like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders already. Great, with God on his side things would be better, he was sure of it.

“Well, I don’t remember that building, is it new?”

Bob stopped and started looking around, he didn’t see anything, and then slowly the form of God appeared sitting on his left shoulder. “Oh hello God, I didn’t see you there.”

God frowned, “That seems to be the problem now days, no one sees me, quite disheartening you know.”

Bob looked around, “I know how you feel, some times I feel like that relative everyone forgets to invite to Thanksgiving dinner because the rest thought some one else would.”

God laughed, “I’ll have to use that one on Gabriel next time I see him. Maybe he’ll put that damn horn down. Always blowing that horn, it drives me crazy. I tried to tell him, after Jericho that’s it, but he thinks it’ll come in handy again. I just didn’t have the heart to tell him that it wasn’t a holy thing, he just played so bad that the people pulled the walls down upon themselves to end the pain.”

Bob stopped walking, “Really?”

God slapped his knee, “Joking, that one gets everyone.”

Bob resumed his course towards his house. He had a date tonight and needed to get ready. As he approached his house he stopped at his mailbox out on the little parking strip, reached out pushed down the little flag on top and opened the little door. There stood God, holding up a small stack of his mail tossing one at a time to the back.

“Oh hello Bob,” as he tosses one letter aside, “Junk mail, junk mail,” then picks one up one from his mother, “Oh, your mum, gonna be seeing her soon.”

Bob grabs at his chest, “Oh my God!”

“Yes”

“ My moms gonna die!”

“Oh, oh, sorry about that, time to me is infinite! A million years is a blink of the eye!” God winks.

“Oh my God! You Blinked, is she dead?”

God held up a hand, “Oh no, oh no, I winked.”

“Stop that God, you scared the hell out of me.”

“Good, I meant to. Now shave your head and dance in an airport.”

“What?”

“Just kidding, a little joke I played on some people.”

“You play jokes God?”

“Oh yes, yes, of course. One day I left the tap running for a bath and it overflowed. You should have seen the look on poor old Noah’s face, gathering all the animals by two’s. I didn’t want to break it to him that it was a mistake so I just waited to see what happened. Oops!” Oh the laughter we had over that one in Heaven.

Bob relaxed, “Really God?”

God bent over slapping both knees this time, “Oh you are a slow one aren’t you.”

Bob shook his head and closed the mailbox, not even bothering to grab his mail.

            Bob walked up the stairs to his two story house went inside. It smelled of dead cats. Something the realtor promised would go away if he just aired it out for a while.

God had reappeared on his shoulder by then. Bob looked over, “Oh there, you are.”

God pinched his nose, “What an awful smell.”

            Bob nodded his head in agreement; “It’s been in this house since I bought it. Maybe that’s why I got it so cheap. When the old owner died they found what was left of her and about ten cats dead in here. Most likely laid here a few weeks before anyone found her, but you knew that right?”

God waved a hand and the smell was gone, “Uh, yes, I knew that, poor old thing, was her time.”

Bob walked up the entry hall towards his living room, and through it to his kitchen, “ Thanks for getting rid of that smell, but what about the cats?”

God put a hand to his chin, holding it there, “ I had to smite them, had to.”

Bob looked down at God, “Why?”

“Well, they were eating her of course, couldn’t have that, no, wouldn’t do.”

“Why didn’t you just open a door or something?”

God stood up on his shoulder placing his hands on his hips as he faced Bobs turned head, “Are you questioning the word of God?”

Bob suddenly felt a twinge fear, “Uh, no God, I didn’t mean that, uh, I was just wondering.”

God sat back down “Good, truth is I just didn’t think of it at the time, but in hind sight, you may be right.”

Bob smiled, “Really?”

God shook his head to the negative, “No, you were wrong, I don’t make mistakes. Don’t they teach you anything in church?” God started to mumble to him self, “What was I thinking at the time? Oh yes, solar eclipse, that was it.”

            Bob walked over to the refrigerator and opened it searching for a quick snack before his date. He had lunchmeat and cheese, a small half empty jar of mayo and some Frito’s, not much more besides a few condiments.

            God leaned forward shaking his head, “I knew the animals that lunchmeat is made from, horrible way to go. Eeew, that one was nasty, always rolling around in his own dung, well, eat up, you have a date to go on.”

Bob shut the refrigerator door, “Never mind, I’ll grab a bite out.”

God turned to him looking hurt, “Was it something I said?

Bob shook his head, “No, I’m just not hungry.”

God laughed, “ Aha! I’ve caught you, you are lying!

Bob turned and headed for the hallway again and for the stairs to the second floor. “I just didn’t want to hurt your feelings.”

 

God smiled, “What a wonderful liar you are.”

Bob stopped at his bedroom door, “God do you mind, I’ve been living here alone for a while now, I’d sort of like to get changed and go on my date. Can we talk later maybe?”

God stood up, “Oh sure, I can pop over to the Vatican for a while, see what that lunk-head is up to, silly fellow that he is.”

Bob smiled, “Thank you God, I guess I’ll see you later.”

With that God faded away into nothingness.

 

The Date.

 

Over three hours had passed since Bob had left his house. He was starting to wonder if he had imagined the whole thing, the afternoon with God, maybe he had fallen asleep? He and his girlfriend Rita had spent that time having dinner at De Evonno’s restaurant, and then off to the movies to see the latest teen-slasher movie quaintly called, “The Last Date”

After that they had gone out for a few drinks. Now they were stumbling their way up the front stairs of her apartment building, then down the hall to the elevator. In short time they were at her door. She was fumbling for her keys from her purse and dropped them. Bob bent down, quickly picking them up. He inserted the proper one in the door and turned the knob. “There we go.”

Rita giggled as she started pulling him inside, “Lets have another drink.”

Bob willingly let himself be lead through the doorway, “Sure, sounds good to me.”

 

He sat down on her sofa. It wasn’t really that big, more like a loveseat, which was perfect for the evening they had planned. They each sipped on a gin and tonic for a few minutes and got comfortable, really comfortable. Within the blink of an eye Rita had leaned back, pulling Bob with her. They were soon kissing passionately, they’re tongues darting in and out of each other’s mouth when something strange happened, Bob tasted cotton? He pulled away from Rita, she smiled and yawned slightly, and there he was, God, standing in her mouth.

“Hello Bob, I’m done at the Vatican, need any advice yet?”

Bob started coughing, “No God no.”

And Poof! God was gone.

Rita sat up quickly, “What did you say, is everything alright Bob, you aren’t having second thoughts are you?”

Bob shook his head, “Oh, no, I’m fine, I was just coughing I just didn’t want to start coughing now in the middle of, well, you know.”

Rita stuck a finger in her mouth biting the tip, “Well stop being silly and get undressed, I’m tired of all this foreplay.”

Bob didn’t have to be told twice. He started ripping his clothes off, kicked his shoes off and across the floor, one landing in her eat in kitchen only separated from the living room by a small eating counter. As he looked down at Rita she was already undressed with her arms extended towards him hands waving playfully.

“Come here lover.”

They were about to start kissing again, but this time Bob gave her a little tickle in the ribs to get her to laugh. When she did he saw that God wasn’t in her mouth again, so he let his passions flow, he kissed her eyes, he kissed her neck, working his way down past her breast to her navel, and that’s when he heard the voice.

“Oh no you don’t, stop that! Its not natural, not the way I planned it.”

Bob looked down in complete shock. There was God, standing there between her…Bob screamed, “God, what are you doing? That’s just sick!”

And poof, God was gone again.

Rita, on the other hand clutched at her chest, “What the hell are you talking about what’s sick, what did I do?” She started crying, grabbed her clothes, and jumped up running towards her bedroom, also just off of her living room, it was a very small apartment. After her bedroom door slammed shut he could hear her yelling, “Just go away Bob, go home and sober up.”

Bob got dressed and headed for the door as quickly as he could. Once there he opened it, but stopped. He tried to call to her, to apologize before leaving, “I’m sorry Rita, I don’t now what came over me.”

But it didn’t work, “Bob just go away.”

Bob shut the door and headed down the hall, he decided to take the stairs and save time waiting for the elevator. “Thanks a lot God.” he grumbled to himself.

“Oh, no problem, many people forget that that wasn’t my plan, only for procreation I told them but look at them now, dreadful, its just sickening I tell you.”

Bob almost missed the next step, “God, a little warning next time, I almost fell.”

God reached down from where he was once again sitting on Bobs left shoulder and patted him lightly, “I wouldn’t allow that, not now that we are such good friends.”

That night after Bob got home the first thing he needed was a shower, and before that to get rid of some of those drinks him and Rita had been drinking, quite a bit of them in fact. After he had locked the doors and gone upstairs he undressed and headed for the bathroom, his first stop, lifting the toilet lid he reached down and tried to aim, great, un-used for the reason intended it was, well his manhood was full of pride and impossible to aim anywhere. He didn’t want to pee all over the walls or nearby sink basin, so he decided to remedy the problem, his night had been cut short anyway, and what the hell, who would know. Just as he began…

“Stop that, stop that. We’ll have none of that! Didn’t you ever watch Monty Python? Remember the song?” God starts to sing, “When a sperm gets wasted, God get quite irate, well, I do!”

Bob looked down, there was God floating above the water in his toilet.

“Neat trick, taught it to Jesus, you know, my son.”

Bob grabbed his manhood, suddenly gone slack as it were. “God, what are you doing there?”

God shook a finger at Bob, “Hello, knows all sees all. Sort of like that Santa guy, except I wont give you coal, I’ll send the plague.” God tapped his head and appeared on bobs shoulder, “Think I did that one. Hmm, flood, plague, locust, he pulled out a small pad, “Oh yes, yes. That fire thing is next. Mu-ha-ha-ha” he laughed playfully, “Scary stuff let me tell you, all that heat, weenie roasts for the lot of you, just keep it up.”

Bob was getting worried, “really God, when”

God shook his head back and forth, “For me to know and you to find out, you’ll see.”

Bob gave up and climbed in the shower and turned on the water, as he looked over, God was fading away again, “See you later Bob, things to do.”

After the shower Bob was exhausted, he dressed in a pair of boxers with the pattern of lips all over them, a tee shirt and headed for his bedroom. As he lifted the blanket and sat on the side of the bed he started to pull his feat up from the floor a small voice came to him, “Pray my son…” And he did…

The next morning Bob showered and got dressed for work, no God to be seen. He went down stairs and ate a small breakfast, his stomach wasn’t feeling to good, and he was just a little bit stressed from his evening out the night before. He grabbed his backpack; it was easier to carry his work clothes in them and headed out the door.

“Morning Bob, I thought since we have become such great friends that I would go to work with you, see how I can help out around there.”

Bob stopped on the sidewalk, “God, about that, I think we should have some time apart, friends do that some times. Absence makes the mind grow fonder.”

God stood up, “Oh, I see, I see, getting in the way with my morals am I, you should be ashamed of your self!”

Bob was shocked and starting to get scared as hell, he’d insulted God! “God I didn’t mean it that way, I swear.”

God slapped his belly and doubled over. He was laughing so hard he almost fell off Bobs shoulder. He had to grab at his collar to keep from slipping down the front of his shirt. “I got you with that Vengeful God thing didn’t I. Oh this has been so much fun, more so then with that slug and salamander, oh my, I think one of them has eaten the other. I’d better go check. Good by Bob” God waved at him, “Just call me if you ever need to chat, I’ll pop right over.” And he faded away…

Bob looked around carefully. He opened his shirt pocket and looked inside, no God there. He reached into his back pocket and pulled out his wallet and opened that, no God there. Wow, he thought, he’s gone.

The Ending

It had been a few days now with no interference, Bob was happy God was gone, well, not gone, but not so close as he had been. A little privacy is good for the soul, he thought. He had just gotten off the bus from work and walked home the one block in peace. He decided to check his mail on the way in. He opened the mailbox and there sorting the mail was, the Devil, and he sounded just like Eddie Izzard.

“Hello, haven’t heard from you in a while, thought I’d pop over to see what mischief we could get into.”

He could hear the Devil laugh heartily as he stepped away from the mailbox, “Oh my God.”

“No, not this time my boy, not this time, oh look, your subscription to playboy is here. ”

The End, or is it?  

 

 

 

Author's Note

This is another story I wrote, a bit out of my normal genre, but I like to dabble in comedy when I can.