So This is Love

My first tackle at a poem

Fingers moving across my skin like the wings of a butterfly

I arch my back and take you in like the breath I so desperately need.

The little death that rippled through me like a quiet storm,

The palms of your hands exploring me like undiscovered lands.

“Your skin’s like fine china, let me touch it so softly,”

“Your passion is like fire, and I want to soothe it with the sea that flows inside of me.”

Rolling in the sheets with a love so fine

Matching the timing of your breath with mine.

“Your heart is a humming bird”

“How I long for your precious words.”

“Die with me”

“Lie with me”

So this is love.

EDIT 08/24/16: I decided to improve on a certain line of the poem. Please tell me which version you like better.

Fingers moving across my skin like the wings of a butterfly

I arch my back and take you in like the breath I so desperately need.

The little death that rippled through me like a quiet storm,

The palms of your hands reminding me of famed explorers,

Discovering every mound, hillside and flat lands of my unclaimed territory

“Your skin’s like fine china, let me touch it so softly,”

“Your passion is like fire, and I want to soothe it with the sea that flows inside of me.”

Rolling in the sheets with a love so fine

Matching the timing of your breath with mine.

“Your heart is a humming bird”

“How I long for your precious words.”

“Die with me”

“Lie with me”

So this is love.

Reviews

[Mifa]

I honestly don't think for once that there's any need for the MATURE CONTENT WARNING. This piece was art and art is beauty and beauty is for everyone to admire; a few might not really see it clearly, but that doesn't mean its not there.

I really like this piece cause of the clarity of the metaphors attached to the description of the emotions that the poet felt. But I honestly felt there were too much of the metaphors, all directing us as readers and none challenging us to experience the poets emotions as we would ourselves.

For example, in the fourth line you wrote: "The palms of your hands exploring me like undiscovered lands" Great line. But, consider this alternative to that line "The palms of your hands caressing my body; each touch feeling like an explorers journey".

I don't know if that suffices much, but the point I want to get across is that the phrase, "...like undiscovered lands" is quite direct and concrete in description. But if we know anything about sex, it is that the feeling, especially one as intense as you described, our sense has no grasp of concreteness of directness. As such the phrase in my line "...an explorers journey" allows for a sort of ethereal ambiguity, telling us of the poets uncertainty of what the touch does to her but knowing that it take her on a journey somewhere.

Anyway, this is not to suggest changing the piece. What you've put down are your thoughts. It is simply my opinion and nothing more. All in all, this poem is a great read; evokes a lot of sensuality and I especially like the last three lines, as it captures the essence of "La petite morte"

"Die with me"
"Lie with me"
So this is love.

Good one, Phoenix. Keep writing.

[Horcrux_Phoenix]

Thank you very much for your review! I definitely agree with your statement about there being too many metaphors. I think when it comes to writing poems I definitely have that problem, and your example of how to make that particular sentence a bit better was very helpful. Also, I was very hesitant about adding the "mature content" warning on this piece, but you put it perfectly. This is art and it should be appreciated. I think next time I am definitely not going to add that. Again, thank you so much for reviewing this poem!

[Mifa]

You're welcome. Glad you found my ramblings helpful.

[Jibey]

I found both versions enjoyable... the arching back for the 'petit mort', the discovery of the territory of desire (which is developed more fully in the 2nd version). The poem suggested and hinted - and I would have liked more...

But then, I'm greedy

[samparks,sam]

Fingers moving across my skin like the wings of a butterfly
I arch my back and take you in like the breath I so desperately need.
The little death that rippled through me like a quiet storm,
The palms of your hands reminding me of famed explorers,
Discovering every mound, hillside and flat lands of my unclaimed territory
“Your skin’s like fine china, let me touch it so softly,”
“Your passion is like fire, and I want to soothe it with the sea that flows inside of me.”
Rolling in the sheets with a love so fine
Matching the timing of your breath with mine.
“Your heart is a humming bird”
“How I long for your precious words.”
“Die with me”
“Lie with me”
So this is love.

At all feel well

[Willard Wells]

S1,L5,W1 = Your. Nice words of love and passion.

[Horcrux_Phoenix]

Thank you!!

["Fanatical Dreamer"]

“Your passion is like fire, and I want to soothe it with the sea that flows inside of me.” Love it!

[Schatzi]

Hello Horcrux_Phoenix,

I like that you left the original for comparison. It was interesting to compare the two versions. The second version is the better. I really like your last three lines. They are so fitting for this poem. and yet so simple.

Thank you for sharing!

Kind regards,

Schatzi

[Horcrux_Phoenix]

Thank you very much for sharing your opinion!!

[Antoñyo]

The first version is best; 'reminding me...' doesn't flow with the excess passion displayed (--the LAST thing you would want is to think of others in a moment like this..just sayin'). But also, “You skin’s like fine china, let me touch it so softly,” --You is YOUR, right?
Overall, if this is your first attempt...damn.
Thanks for sharing!

[Horcrux_Phoenix]

Thank you very much! Yes, the "you" is definitely a typo, thank you so much for pointing that out! I wouldn't have seen that if you didn't correct me!

[Antoñyo]

You're welcome...I don't usually correct publicly, so sorry for that.

[Horcrux_Phoenix]

No apologies needed, I don't mind having my grammar corrected!

[??????]

I will be very honest. Your write is simply amazing. It's filled with many things metaphorically speaking beauty desire the longing within ones self. The utter feelings of love pure and without remorse. You should be very proud of yourself not only for being brave enough to face the wind but speaking so poetically :)

[Horcrux_Phoenix]

Thank you so much! I was very nervous about publishing this piece!

[??????]

Smiles your very welcome:) you did great be proud ok! its beautiful:)