Seamless depths

A Story by Niall Madden

He plunged into the atmospheric void, hitting a surface only the desperate will know a vast ocean of pure unrivalled misery. Walter was ordinary, dull even tiresome but what defined Walter on this day was not his slicked back hair or his pre-torn jeans but his waltz of fate, the two nonchalant steps that lead a man into a three hundred foot drop. Walter didn’t even blink his arms were simply stretched out in miserable embrace however I Knew what he did not, when his gorgeous soul reached 75ft the regret would consume him leaving only abhorrence in its place. I believe that Walter must be given a chance, a moment, a choice He must discover how this plunge into eternal unrest is no just cause nor is it a solution to any manner of problem. That surface is of my doing but the choice is his now and as Walter falls at a similar pace to a sinking stone only he can silence the seduction of suicide I can place a safety net as wide as the world, he can just as easily slip through the gaps.

“I have chosen” he toppled of the edge though he did stumble his intentions were not misplaced. Walter promised himself he would not look up nor down but merely at the reflection in front, as if some parallel Walter had the same masochistic wish as he did. “I always thought this would be a lot quicker.” He murmured to himself lifting up his wrist to check the time he gasped, contorting as if some great force had targeted his abdomen spluttering he bellowed “s**t!” before announcing “that really f*****g hurt! Dick move god.” He once again outstretched assuming the Ready to dance with the devil position before he looked back into to the reflection to see a disfigured version of himself, next to his reflection “Hi there.” It gargled with a broken jaw and a stomach with an inverted ribcage Walter just ignored it “Call me Wounded Walter if you like” Walter stared for about a minute before replying “What’s your deal?” Wounded Walter stated “Most people regret suicide and you are not an exception so I…” “Shut the f**k up and leave me alone” Walter stated with absolute dismissal “if I cared any less it would kill me” “I’m sure you would love that however someone took an interest in you and so I am here to… well guide you” Replied The it with what can only be described as a smile after a make out session with a blender. ”look I really appreciate the concern but I have clearly made my choice so the only guidance I need is the quickest route for my face to reach the pavement” Walter replied with a smirk While wounded Walters reflection stood upright took a sigh before asking “you could look at me if you are going to take the piss” It was at this point where Walter realized that the air was a lot more dense even tangible and as he grasped invisible handles before shuffling around he realized that he was still at about 280ft and falling at a snail’s pace he then briskly shot around before halting. His eyes couldn’t remain in one place darting around zooming in on each shattered bone, every organ that had burst and scattered on the body like the confetti of the damned before Wounded Walter Smoothly said “we need to talk.”

“okay so don’t freak out” it said Walter had himself backed up against the wall of nerves clutching at emptiness “Look I just didn’t think you were me” Walter quivered slowly regaining control of his mechanically froze limbs “Wounded Walter didn’t give it away?” it replied with a tilted head and a puzzled look “Ask away” it gleefully proposed while blood splattered and suspended in the still frame of atmosphere “Ask what could I possibly ask?” Walter yelled in a hushed tone reminiscent of someone in a dinner party getting in an argument with a lover. “What about which organ went first: trick question I lay flat they all splashed and smeared the floor at the same time it was kind of like dropping a paint can upside down… filled with rat corpses” it seemed shimmy from side as if it was really pleased with itself “Oh god no look I just want to have a nice peaceful self-induced sleep… forever” Walter regained posture and stood upright before raising a finger and hypothesising “I shouldn’t actually worry about what happens because I’ll be dead. I’m assuming you are trying to coerce me into altering my decision” Wounded Walter slowly halted his giddy twitches and stared hard enough to bore holes in the eyes of men “STOP! Don’t act intelligent you suicidal fool just ask dam questions” it bellowed with force, enough to shift the lungs out of place and the stomach to flop out of place.” Why are you guiding me?” Walter replied composed, still, Wounded Walter shimmied into glee “well to die you have to want, need and deserve it 100% so I’m just here to find your reason and deem it worthy” The glimmer of satisfaction was burning bright in its eye socket While Walter noted the were at 250ft and the pavement wasn’t getting any closer “okay but in the end My life is mine and if I die I die is that not right” Walter replied while placing his hands in both pockets awaiting the elongated reply “yes” it said. Walter had been taken back by this and began to ponder if the conversation was worth having he paced in circles in the non-existent elevator that slowly glided to a brutal gut wrenching death. “Well tell me Walter what is your reason?” Wounded Walter was like a robot now his voice had a joy level not dissimilar to monotony, constant questioning lead to a constant headache, Walter waited before saying “I don’t want to live” with a glint of satisfaction in his eye Wounded Walter slowed his twitches “Don’t play games with your life on the line” Followed up with “A reason matters, no matter what the basis” Walter piped up with a step forward “I really don’t have to tell you” he smirked to himself “I think you should consider opening up a bit, especially at 230ft”

It was ever so close to Walter, he had a small tremble at this point While Wounded Walter was like a rock, immobile His emotion was lacklustre and he calmly stated “if you don’t want to tell me show me” presenting a hand comprising of two fingers a mangled bone and a bloodied stump “Take my hand in a Waltz of death and discovery” he chuckled While Walter retracting his hand an inch every two he moved it forward towards the template of what was to come grasping wounded Walter lead to a warm surge. A rapid shooting pain entered Walters’s brain as if a centipede had coiled round the frontal lobe and began burrowing with the intensity of a jackhammer. “F*****G HELL” Walter screamed face scrunched up and body curled up, Wounded Walter merely looked down and stated “you could have told me” as flashes of images ran through the mind of Walter who was tossing and flailing as if he were truly dying the elevator that was falling like a feather was now following similar emotions and the magical cord holding it had snapped Walter and Wounded Walter were descending almost at 150ft Flashes of girls, boy, animals, places, objects, pain, suffering100ft Wounded Walter had begun to melt, the jaw finally slipping of the hinge and disconnecting only to fall onto the body of Walter curled into a foetal position with no umbilical cord to provide the care he needed seeing visages of disgust disapproval, anguish, a family at a dinner table. Waiting for him to come join them as he got closer. Eyes demonised. Body meld together as one heaving grotesque mass. Lumbering closer as if to burst from the mind and feed on the flesh. 100ft Wounded Walter looked at Walter and uttered a last word before the skull itself became a putty of putrid consistency “live Walter mistakes can be undone, a life cannot” the last of Wounded Walter dissipated into the void and at 75ft Walter Whispered “I regret nothing” eyes on the pavement before a final close.

He had made his decision long ago and I could not change that no form of horror nor persuasion could stop him from his destiny. Walter had murdered his brother. He had never meant for it to happen but when you see one man draining the life of another in front of you, you are compelled to save them no matter what the cost. Walters’s brother killed his father, a 12 inch blade slotted between the ribcage to puncture a fleeting lung of forsaken father, a pocket knife slipped into a brother’s spine, followed by ten lashing with a lamp to a skull. Walter had never forgiven himself the blood, screams, pain, anguish. His mother died during labour a long time ago some say that’s what caused all of this but not even a mothers love can erase the image of you pummelling in the back of your brothers head until it shifts from convex to concave. So I let him go he opened his eyes he was at the top. He took a deep breath and walked right off his body became 270ft a human torpedo darting towards 240ft an inevitable target but 210ft its aim was not to destroy or hurt others 160ft it was a weapon of self-destruction 120ft and as it reached critical speed 75ft the only thing left for it to do 40ft was for the gore filled contents to lay waste upon all in its 10ft way brace for 0ft impact.

© 2015 Niall Madden

Author's Note

short story of a mans last moments Enjoy :)

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KaoticOrder

This story has a very good plot and a realistically written character many could relate to. The idea is very interesting. Your writing voice is nice and expressive, and the descriptions and metaphors are wonderful!

However, there were a lot of grammar, spelling, punctuation mistakes mistakes throughout. The paragraphs were not formatted very well either. Because of this, the story wasn't very smooth reading.
You have a lot of potential though, and the story and message was very good.

I would suggest you look more into how to write correctly, and learn to use paragraphs, grammar, and punctuation because this is a really wonderful story and if it was written out in a better format with better grammar and punctuation: The story would be even better and attract more readers. Some people who read a story done by a writer who isn't very experienced are turned off and don't read the actual story - too focused on the mistakes in it. Try researching some writing tips, rules and skills. Look into getting a editor or editing software for your work.
You really do have a lot of potential and wonderful story telling skills, improving these things would make your writing even better!

I give the story (including grammar, punctuation, and format) a 65 out of 100. The story its self would be close to 90 in my opinion if you worked on your proper writing skills.

Again, wonderful idea and plot. Great and realistic character. Please don't be turned off by my comment, I only want to offer some advice. If you would like more information on the subjects I listed earlier, or would like me to help edit this short story - Feel free to mail me, I would be happy to help. =)