Insanity At Its Finest

Written based on my late night thoughts.

Insanity at Its Finest

 

Insanity is when you still get to taste what's been bothering you for a long period of time. Countless nights of those haunted memories dancing all over your brain, bombarding you with questions. Questions. Questions that don’t demand an answer. Or maybe, We're just afraid to face the answer. Afraid that it might slap us right into the face so hard. Nothing but the cold, hard and ugly truth. Is it really better to stay at the slums of ugly and filthy truth? Or is it just better to be swimming in the sea of false hopes, leaving you with a blissful form of ignorance? Indeed, insanity is such a wonderful art. How beautifully crafted and mastered. How it connects with two contradicting things and building each one a fort, ready to fight with each other; the brain and the heart.

I’m still bounded by the shackles of his memories. I see reasons why I should stop, but I can’t. I’m still clinging into the past, trying to relive it, reminiscing each and every moment I’ve spent with him. I’m still looking for the key to set myself free but I guess the cage I’ve built around myself is just too tough and I gave up then chose to stay. I let myself fall down to my knees and let my eyes see what he's been doing. How happy he is with her and how miserable he is with me. I’ve done everything I could and we were almost there. I don’t know what went wrong. I tried my best to comfort him when she let him down. I even attempted to break my own rules for him, I tried swallowing my huge chunk of pride but none of them seemed to please him. I feel so afraid, so insecure and so sad; the tears won’t fall down my eyes but left me with a heavy heart, going to explode in a few moments later.

It’s entirely my fault. I should’ve stopped it right from the beginning. Right from the moment when I gave up containing my feelings for him. From the moment when I felt everything seemed to be beautiful when I hear his name, when he smiles, when his laugh’s the best symphony i've ever heard, and when I used to think that there’ll be a chance. It was a very foolish move, thinking that it would soon fade away. Thoughts are clouding up my mind, not knowing where to stand, or what to do, or what to say just to keep these feelings fade away. I don’t know when this misery would end; I’m tired of thinking the same old thing, “It would all pass away”. Impatience and self-pitying aren't helping and I don’t know what to do. My dear old friend Insanity, you're really doing your job at its finest.