Sensual Nature..Collab with Jayren

An erotic tale between two lovers...we did a pretty good job :)

POEM:

Sitting on the dock of his bay..

pinicing my fish fillet..

causing currents, warm oceans waves

Quakes shift me into seas

With sensations I could not believe...

lying on my back, trasfixed on her form

I gave her a gift with my tongue

She was getting cold feet so I wramed them with my hands

but yet I couldn't control them, as they became possessed by her body

broad shoulders support a healty figure

resting a cool mind, while you hold me tenderly

Liquids exchange and our bodies are Filters..

Flowing through every nerve ending...

                          Eyes watering at the surge of sensation

Electric current running through the air between us

worshiping her curves asif they were aphrodite

 

 I bray and challange any volcano to match the passoin we've helped create .

Author's Note

PLEaSE CRITQUE :).. callab with my friend Jayren

Reviews

[TheSweet]

I see so much of this type of writing, but this one was different - for which I'm very thankful :) I like the way nothing is too obvious, there are phrasesthat are merely concepts or suggestions of what's happening and that sends the intimicy to a higher level. That being said, I think there could have been more to this poem, it did feel like it moved on a little quickly.

Thanks for sharing :)

[Liana]

passionate

[Rasputin]

This just goes to show that there's a difference between f*****g and making love. I liked the whole back-and-forth exchange- like reading a transcript of a conversation.

[Victorious]

Dear Honey54,

I have to say there are a few spelling errors such as "trasfixed" to "transfixed" and "wramed" to "warmed" and "healty" to "healthy" The diction is a bit neutral and unconnected. Try bringing the metaphor together like describing how the broad shoulders support the healthy figure like the earth supports the trees and life of the earth or something since the romance by the judging of the title connects to nature. You say something about the chemistry between you two: "Electric current running through the air between us," and the following line disconnects from electricity. The whole stanza was based on a couple, then switched to a single person's view.

I did like the last line though. It was passionate and leaves a sweet taste to the tongue. I also liked these two lines, "She was getting cold feet so I warmed them with my hands/but yet I couldn't control them, as they became possessed by her body." That was romantic and expresses a sense of primal instincts coming alive.

Thanks for sharing.

Sincerely Livana Lowell (LL)

God bless

[unknown]

Awesome, love the words that were used, very great imagery!

[$êlvån]

Full fledged one:)gr8

[Everett DeValle]

Awesome, you two are on Fire...lovely collaboration.

I enjoyed how you two played with each others stanza...the exchange was fluid.

Wonderful poetry you two. Kudos.

[Raven Starhawk]

Such a exquisite piece you have penned here. The two of you know how to really shift attention toward your skillful words.

[Coyote Poetry]

A amazing poem. I could feel the heat and the desire from the poem. I like the set-up and the thoughts in this poem.
"Electric current running through the air between us
worshiping her curves asif they were aphrodite"
Thank you for the outstanding poetry.
Coyote

[Marie]

Very sensual and erotic. The last line is very good, but spell passion right.