Nemophilist

Nirvana: intangible,peaceful, short lasting and unforgettable.

You take a step forward; your blue, green, brown or hazel eyes look around. No one is around " no one is here to appreciate this as much as you can. You want to remember everything you see here; every small detail. From the sunset to the small, broken twigs beneath the towering ones. You carefully take a step forward, in fear of crushing the little creatures beneath your feet. The sounds of the birds flying above your head make you smile. They crow with such defiance and you are not afraid. The thought of possibly getting hurt here does not cross your mind. You are in a state of utter peace.

Another few steps result in the diplomatic sounds of echo, alerting all the lurking creatures around. You hope that you have your first encounter with a deer. You’ve seen enough movies to know that you wanted a moment of perfect tranquility with a deer, no movement, and no noise " just a stare down. You think that by some crazy way, you will learn something new " you will discover a new truth, new thoughts, something that will pull you in and give reality a new meaning. Maybe you’re hoping for an epiphany here, maybe you want to make contact with this creature to fulfill your goal of innovation. Whatever the reason, you strive to find a deer.

Your new goal is clear: you eye every bit of the openness ahead, but do not spot that long, brown dotted body on all fours. You start to imagine it walking on two’s, with a personality, and called Richard. You laugh " how ridiculous. It is so beautiful out here, but the sun is going down. It’ll only be a few minutes before the sun has completely set and then, it will be close to impossible to find the deer. You sigh, but you are not annoyed. You rather feel calm and the cool chills of the wind hitting your cheekbones remind you that you are still here. If you do not find the deer soon, it will be alright. There will be other days.

But you really must find it. Your body aches for it, you crave the sight of the majestic animal and all you could think about is the ideas and thoughts of the Nirvana that you so desperately want to understand. The farther you walk, the deeper you get and the memory of your way here becomes very faint. Again, you do not fret. Sure, you could have left a trail of breadcrumbs or trail mix so you would be able to find your way back, but in a way, you hope to get lost. No one else is here anyway.

Your body pauses, involuntarily, and you take in the fresh air around you. The smell of moss and wet wood excites you and if you had your way, you’d jar it up and save it for later. You always wondered why this smell never became a perfume or cologne. It would be impossible to capture the authentic smell of the scenery, which makes you sad. You would never be able to capture this in a jar and save it for later.

Photographs worked that way. They were made for memory’s sake. You press a quick button of a shot, print it out and there you have it; evidence that you’ve been there and that you’ve seen that. It had almost captured everything " almost. What was missing was the most vital and precious aspect of them all. The only bit that is real proof that you had been there and that you will remember that moment is the smell. You could not capture the smell of the fresh moss resting on the rocks. You could not capture the mist after a rain shower, or the smell of the growing dandelions tucked behind the tall trees. These articles are intangible and the only source of keeping them forever is memory.

For now, you inhale and your eyes close. You stay silent, counting your heart beats. You are so still, you could hear your own insides adjusting themselves to match your silence. Your body is so still, you almost seem to blend in with nature. On the inside, you’re smiling. This is not the Nirvana you want, but it is damn near. Your mind is clear " all that it holds is the vision of the deer capering through the leaves until it catches your eye. When it does, it completely stops and matches your contentment. You imagine that the deer is big, bigger than you had expected and a shade lighter than you’d expected as well. You try to picture a mental conversation with the deer, but this is hard and fuzzy. Of course, it was ridiculous to imagine a conversation with the animal, but you felt it in your bones that it was right.

            You’d say, ‘Hello.’, and the deer would say, ‘What brings you here?’ or ‘Will you shoot me now?’ or, ‘What kind of fetish do you have?’ The deer would have endless amounts of possibilities for answering this, but you can only answer according to their response. You sigh " this time disappointed in yourself. You have resulted in imagination. If you know anything, you know that imagination does not create a truthful meaning to peace. The mental conversation as well as the giant deer disappears in your head and you open your eyes.

You look at the sun and you see how close it is to setting. You begin to move farther and faster into the woods, not having a clue as to where you’re heading, but you still do not mind. The twigs beneath your feet crack and the noise that once pierced your ears does not faze you. You have to keep moving, you have to find the deer.

There will be other nights, other deer’s.

Your conscious is speaking now and it is upset. You feel yourself panic and a jolt of both adrenaline and anger rush through your veins. This deer hunting was no longer for curiosity or pleasure, but for pride and commitment. You are starting to forget the reason why you wanted to find them in the first place. Now, it is all or nothing.

Patience is the key.

You were always taught that, but you were never able to grasp that concept. What is patience when you cannot control your ever most desires? Your breaths speed up as you speed past the leaves and twigs and trees. Movement so quickly, you distress the caterpillars resting on the ground. Who cares about the caterpillars " they were not the deer’s.

How far can this path go? There must have been an end.

This was all hopeless " there were no deer’s here. You are out of breath, your face damp from perspiration and persistence. With a weary look, you turn left and right, for you hear a noise. A branch or two breaking in half " someone else was here. Quickly, you spin around to see this stranger but find not a stranger, not a human. You find what you have been looking for.

Your heart is beating so terribly fast that you cannot calm it. The smile on your face is mortifying and wide " this is like Christmas to you. The deer remains tranquil, neck standing tall and still, beady eyes very alert. It is not afraid of moving, more so afraid of your movement. You want to " you really, really do.

The average sized animal seems more majestic than in your imagination, although this one is of a darker shade of brown. Oh well " you take what you can. You stare at the animal as it stares back at you. Your eyes meet and you feel that connection that you desperately wanted, however, the deer does not. It is out to protect itself. It knows how humans work and it will not become a redneck’s dinner anytime soon.

You stare with admiration, desire, happiness and peacefulness while the deer looks at you, fully alert and ready to run if needed. You can tell that the animal is fearful and with every right to be. This was, after all, its home more than anything. You did not have the intention on hurting the animal, nor did you have a weapon to do so. Moments like this are when you wish that English was really a universal language. You’d explain that you mean no harm and that you are just a bystander admiring the beauty of creation.

There is something about this animal that you like in particular, but you cannot put your finger on it. You cannot describe what you are feeling when you look at it and this is how you know your goal has been achieved. This feeling is indescribable, intangible, unforgettable and short lasting. One cannot simply imagine this up, nor repeat or fake. This truly authentic feeling is what you have wanted to attain for years. It fills the void that you have felt and you do not understand why that is so. You cannot fathom why your life had been so empty that it took the sight of a deer to make you feel like you have meaning. That life has meaning.

This connection is strong and you confuse it with trust. You believe that the stare down has been lasting long enough " safe enough for you to move forward. With a daring and careful motive, you take a step forward, making sure you avoid all the crisp twigs. With one foot forward, you shift your body and you inhale calmly, noticing that the beautiful animal has not run away. You are only feet away from it and you want to so desperately attack it; wrap your arms around it, hug it, ride it, take it home with you.

All with good patience.

You had to remember. You smile at the animal, in hopes of calming the worry that was on your own face. Another patient step forward and the animal stayed still. You take one more, feeling this will be your last one, but it is not. You take a fourth and then a fifth and sixth and seventh. However, when it comes to your eighth, your clumsiness sticks its foul head out and your stumble across a large branch hidden beneath the multicolored leaves and you trip forward.

You curse out loud as your body falls forward to the ground. Surely, this frightens the deer and as you expected, it runs away. You cry out " really cry. Salty tears run down your face and you feel pathetic for crying, for shedding tears for an animal.

It takes you a bit of time for you to realize that you were not only crying for losing the animal, or for the fact that your life is miserable, no. You are crying because you did not get a picture. You have no proof that you have seen a deer in person, or proof that you were so close to one. The only proof that you have and perhaps the most valuable, is that intangible, short lasting Nirvana. 

Reviews

[Christopher Norton]

It's funny how the last paragraph sums up a fundamental change in human nature among "civilized" countries. The change that has swept humanity in the form of social media. I was just talking to a friend the other day about how we used to party and what would happen if we had camera phones and facebook back then..... here's a hint: We'd all be in jail. I digress. Something about these moments that happen once and are gone so quickly. I like that we have all these toys and a human collective, but there is a beauty to a moment that only you can ever hold. But also, that is why we write. Because a photo is relatively objective. We want others to see life through our eyes.

[Chris]

When you use cut and paste to enter text on this site - a coding glitch will intermittently change dashes to a quotation mark AFTER you press Publish. So as an author, you do need to reopen your published works and re-proof the text. If you find a an error just edit and save again.

You do have that glitch present above... just so ya know. Three times in the first two paragraphs and many times afterwards.

Deer's?

"... the intention on hurting the..." - on OR of?

I find that I question your use of Nirvana... within my - granted limited - experience, the term just didn't fit; but, that's just me.