Two Years in Counting

Written September 3rd 2008.

I let him kiss me and cut me on seedy guestroom floors. It's sickenly beautiful to think I've done it. And they'll never know the stars as we did. The stars smiled at us radiantly, falling backwards over a haybail with a bottle of beer that I didn't intend on drinking I saw those stars before the screaming and the sex. And somehow now they will always look different.  

Just Love. Never Just Love. Being wary not an option clearly available at the time. Falling head over goth-phase converse was most accessible. Beautiful hazy golden afternoons, never thought it might be the Summer of 2006, just the moment I was alive there and then. We were all in Love and escaping to the city of sinning, singing and smoking. And most importantly WE were in Love. Myself and dental ad. smile. Myself and sexy, messy haircut. Myself and romantic words strung together with seric, Scottish speech.

Always I was articulate. I knew it more and more. They knew it, they said so. Maybe they said I was profound. Certainly they thought me a fathomless ocean for better or for worse. Blessing and burden. Ashes to ashes definitely. I killed a life. It was my life. I let it go for a kiss on a pier at sunset- yes cliché and nervous.

Never similar. Many moments of bliss. Amazing implosions we had, bitter-sweet partings at train stations that just didn't understand. We Loved and were jealous but we thought it was always going to be reconciled, we saw ourselves on a bench at sixty years old, hands entwined ecstasy. He picked up a seashell or two and gave them to me. I picked up a seashell or two and gave them to him. Promised we'd keep them forever, felt ocean between our toes and heard music. That was the beginning of the end.

Active fists. Spent time in a cupboard that I was indefintely locked in for violent purpose. Flailing my legs with a pillow over my face I came face to face with live fast die young philosophy and poetry. But we forgive as humans. Disgusting we are. We are weak when they L-word us. Wasn't he beautiful though. In a cold way. And then so very grotesque. Sensuality and sexuality died. My body resisted requests that used to make it tremble. I could no longer. He enraged, exploded into insanity. I knew insanity. It was familar. And yet frightened me when I saw it grace the god who used to kiss my head.

His hands around my throat, so tragically okay. And then no longer okay. Broken glass and nail scissors, an easy release, a sharp breath laced with stinging red skin oozing my implosion nearly two years holding hands in public. So like a movie. I could be a protagonist, or I could be happy. Choices ran so very khol from my eyes. Somehow they'll never leave me. So very filled with pride we were. But only one with good reason. That was not okay with my cold and dearest b*****d. Knife to chest he bled from his arms and leaked from his azures. He knew. I knew. An end to end all. Didn't we look so beautiful there together on his floor? Slender fingers tracing tears away. So pretty kneeling face to face. But time to say goodbye.

We bid adieu and always.   

There was no quiet after our electric storm. No quiet. Just rock 'n' roll. Just tweed jacket and red lipstick. Drugs and wine. Party upon party of interesting, beautiful people. Yes content. Then I saw that beautiful boy. No not dental ad.smile. I saw beautiful dimples. I saw pensive eyes. I saw rock 'n' roll facial hair. He saw me first. Years ago through the lense of a camera. Physical theatre. I wanted to be an actress. Dream that died long ago. History yes. Sex was not enough. He left the taste of his lips on mine for days afterwards and I savoured so wrongly.

Thought I would tell him. Wanted to divulge the mistake I made. Sitting in rooms miming "I Love You", dismissing the thoughts with a shake of the head before beautiful dimples came back in and suspected. I remember you. I remember when you kissed me. I was drunk. So long ago. Oh how my stripey socks clashed with my bright red shoes. Did you like them? I know you liked me. You told me so and now I wish I had stayed with you, in carparks smoking adolescently- you used to tell me off. Now you feel white powder up that pretty nose so it's okay you'll probably never tell me off again. But sometimes I wish you would. One last time.

Thought it was going somewhere again. You L-word someone. She isn't me. Makes me want to sing songs from Tim Burton movies. How I longed for you to cup my face as you once did. When you call me endearing names I taste my breath and hear you ever so clearly. But then you lied. Nothing major. Nothing nice though. No excuses. And now I can't say what I mimed in those empty rooms and yes they were too empty without you. And I shall never break your heart with that leopard print number I had on reserve for our next meeting.

Never. Never again will we indulge in cider in friendly fields beneath starry skies. Never again will we hold hands in front of them. They glare glacially. They actually don't like me I'm sure. Maybe because I broke your heart the first time around and made you listen to Joseph Arthur as you thought deeply about me and how I had been driven into the arms of dental ad. smile. Oh beautiful dimples I had so hoped we'd photograph well together.

"May God's love be with you, always."