Summary of my sophomore year

I'm not even trying am I? Saw an old friend today... I'm not upset anymore, she doesn't even know I had been.

I'm so tired

When I saw you I waved

you waved back, paused and came over

You talked to me

to be honest I wasn't in the mood

I had been starving

waiting since four for Mom to come

pick me up

You happened to be waiting for yours too.

I'm really tired

Did you know that time when you stopped replying to my e-mails

and when I asked you about it

and asked if you were busy

you said you were grounded

but you could have replied

and that you didn't

I  let that slide at the time

because I didn't see anything wrong

but later probably a few weeks, or days

the next time I saw you

you didn't even say hey

you said so to someone you recognized

as if you didn't want to see me

or maybe it's my paranoia

because you said hello to the person farther than me instead

because you knew them

my heart sunk so deeply then

I was so disappointed

did I do something wrong?

did I annoy you?

were you just tired of me?

Did you know that when I got home that day I cried

because I thought you were the first friend

that I had made in a long time

-I had even saved our conversation in a folder

no, you wouldn't 

and you wouldn't understand

because you have friends

unlike me

I can only be quiet

and watch others

too scared too say something 

without making them think i'm childish,

or stupid

because of that play-

 I did in my Pre-AP II English class one day

We did a skit about a Mom and her son 

who found crud in the toilet and made a big scene in a ghetto fashion

I thought it was funny

but later my teacher said

that I was so cute

that I did that skit about poo

and at first I didn't know what she was talking about

until then I knew what she was talking about

The play was actually about the fussing of a mother

or at least that's what I had seen

everyone else saw another

they had said I was so cute

so I thought I did good

but when my teacher said that

I realized that they had saw something differently from me

they had though the play was immature

and so

so?

I felt so sad

if I could have gone back in time

I wish I didn't do anything to make me stand out

and waste the rest of my sophomore as a mystery

instead of a cutie

who's seen as a baby

a child

an infant

someone not capable of hearing harsh things

or being exposed to the poisons of the world 

and maybe that is just me

maybe I wasn't ready?

Thank God that I had been saved

and baptised

and aware to the fact that he knows

who I am

and cares about me

because I wouldn't be able to do it

feeling so pathetic all the time

I don't know what I would have done

because all though sometimes I may like being alone

There will be times when I'm watching anime

I see something so funny that I want to share it with someone

but my mother and sister

would both be too busy

or doing something more important

dismiss me as being silly

and I have to go back and watch it by myself

laughing by myself

savoring the best moments of that anime by myself

I'm tired

I could go talk to friends online

but my immaturity is something that often shines

causing older chatters

to shoot words at me

"telling me to grow the f up"

that I'm "a professional victim"

My sister always said I was too dramatic

am I?

I'm not writing this for sympathy

I just need somewhere to put this

writing on paper wouldn't help me be fully satisfied

and I could pray to the Lord 

but he already knows

and I just felt like a part of me had to be shared

because in reality I smile when

they say I'm cute

but depending on their reason why

I myself inside could be feeling so humiliated

but today

when my teacher said that to me

I got so upset and disappointed

and I felt so weak

that simply smiling in politeness

could not hide my mood

and even when I volunteered to help my art teacher clean 

up the paint containers

(cleaning helps me feel better)

but afterward I saw you

and after you left

I eventually began to feel blue

so blue

that I had to write this

and get it out

because no one knows what goes inside my head

and I couldn't take it anymore

I'd much rather a stranger see instead

before I cry in public

because I bottled it up inside

and everything will come pouring out along with my silent pride

of not letting others

inside.