Too Soon

I wrote this poem about one of my very good friends whom I met while studying abroad in England.

I left too soon
Too soon after the daffodils bloomed
Too soon after the sun defeated the midland clouds
Too soon after closing night
Too soon after the night we met
When you and I talked about people whose names I can’t remember
Over cheap draft beers in a dim corner of that pub
With the quiz machines flashing, egging us on
(We never went back there, did we?)
Too soon after you realized aloud that I'm nothing like you thought I'd be
And spent the night teasing each other about everything
With an air of distinct, if ironic superiority
Because we were young, we are young,
And no matter when I left

It was always going to be far,
Far too soon

Author's Note

I'd like feedback on the form. I'm still not quite comfortable with free verse, and while I know there's no right or wrong way to write poetry, I'd like to know how this poem moves (or doesn't move) you.

Reviews

[Wolfwind]

I happen to like the way you have crafted this piece. Dealing with the topic of memories and a smidge of fond sadness, the shape of it works well. It takes us from the beginning... like a first step upon a dance floor and then it spins it's weave out. The longer lines giving us the meat of the evening, a full flourish, a fancy dance step. Then it comes back close... a last heart beat of a beautiful evening, remembered, enjoyed... The last line weaves the tapestry to a fine end.... like an echo... or a dream of time long ago.

Very nicely done! Two Thumbs Up!
Aaron - Wolfwind

[Hilary Adams]

What a beautiful summary! Thank you so much!

[SuperChick62]

I really enjoyed it. One of the hardest things I ever did was break up with this guy I really didn't like, but he loved me. It's not easy to realize that you're completely wrong for somebody and to have to disappoint them like that. You did a good job capturing that.

I really liked how you described the bar and the "cheap draft beers." Even though it's very modern it's also very symbolic. One day when there are no draft beers people are going to look at lines like that and find them very poetic... I like to try and see that before they're gone. So, good job with that. You are very good with descriptions in general. I really felt like I could have been there. Enough details to make it real but not too many to make it too far from the reader's reality and imagination.

I always like to give a suggestion in my reviews because I might think of something you haven't heard before or at least you'll know I really read your poem/writing. So, that being said, I have to say I think it was a bit wordy. Some of your lines could've been shortened down a little. Example: "With the quiz machines flashing, egging us on" See how it looks after I took at the and and replaced it with a comma? So, either look through it or just think of that next time you write (I don't believe in editing if you think something is done), and think about "is that word really needed or would it sound better without it?" In poetry conjunctions or other filler words aren't really needed and can disrupt the flow even. So think about it.

P.S. You did a good job with the free verse. Even though it didn't rhyme I didn't even notice until you mentioned it in you comments. So, good job with that, you've got a knack for free verse. When you get comfortable you can research (or talk to other poets) about even more ways to experiments with writing. I'm experimenting with prose myself. That's an admirable thing to do in art. It allows you to grow as an artist. Good job.

[Hilary Adams]

Great point about tightening up that line! I thought the same thing after I published it, so I've made the change because I think it keeps the poem moving. Thanks so much for the review! It's great to get feedback!

[SuperChick62]

Your welcome. I'm glad you appreciate it. I'm always afraid people would take my reviews personally. It would happen sometimes in my old site. :)

[K. Louis]

love those last three lines..

[Hilary Adams]

Thanks so much!

[.]

:: that lingering sense of a loss in a vacuum comes through very clearly... :: you really know how to start well and also how to close a piece (which i think is the somewhat tougher part)... the italicized "are" really worked...

[Hilary Adams]

Thank you, Serah!!