Please Stay

I remember the first time I thought of suicide. Junior year of highschool. I was quickly losing every bit of happiness I had. ...Everything was falling apart as I watched helplessly on.

I never knew the first person I told would be the one who cared the least about my well being. He left after I tried to reach out after a long time of us not speaking to each other, but he kept me from hurting myself.

I no longer believe that, and He Who Shall Not Be Acknowledged Furthermore is not worth it anymore. Toxic people can start out as essential to you as breathing. That's why it felt so difficult to let go.

I now realize I was fighting for my own reasons, not for him. And recovery in anything is difficult. It doesn't happen overnight, and there is no certain length of time one has to be "better". But ever since I've met my boyfriend, Monsieur Puerner, I haven't felt that urge anymore. I think of him, smiling at me, and all my fears vanish faster than they appeared. He reminds me of the things that make me beautiful, and that means everything, because I get jealous easily. He enjoys talking to me, even though I'm always afraid I talk too much. But he's also been a support system I desperately needed. Someone who isn't afraid to talk about whatever's on my mind, no matter how deep or heavy it is. He holds me, the weight of my problems, and far more. He is a hero.

I'm not here to say you'll always feel better with support. But a support system can help. Talking to anyone about how you feel can help, even if you believe they may not understand. And suicide being a very difficult topic to discuss, it's important to find someone that you can be honest with. Honest. Not the kind of person that expects you to "get over it" or "stop being so dramatic". I've heard that before. Far too many times. Be careful who you open up to. Trust can be betrayed easily.

There is hope. There is a light, and you may not find it soon, but just for tonight...

Here's a song that gets me through a lot of dark nights. Coping mechanisms are different for everyone, but I found this song to be non-judgmental.

"Please Stay" (Jake Runestad).

From me, an author and fellow human struggling with suicidal thoughts: Please Stay.