Lepidoptera

Random. Random.

I saw a homeless person evicted today. How is that possible if they don’t have a house? I stopped questioning the possibility and impossibility of man after I learned that there were some willing to build and drop bombs that can disintegrate thousands of other humans in seconds. And today I watched two cops wake a homeless guy and usher him across the street while a bulldozer collected his plastic bags and clothes and bundles of whatever was left that still made him feel human.

Or maybe it wasn’t that homeless guy’s stuff. Maybe the actual owner was dead. Dead inside the bundle. And of course we can’t have rotting bodies in the streets. It’s bad for tourism. And if left there it might just instill guilt. That you and I were warm in our beds last night after a shower and a hot meal while some human starved to death on the street.

Thank god we’re all strangers.

Someone told me I was going to hell for having premarital sex. Unless of course I married the dame. I decided it was far more appropriate to apply for my visa for hell along with all the other monkeys who copulated before the proper ritual was performed then marry some random chick I met while I was shitfaced in college.

I’ve always been amazed at the beautiful timing of my own conception. My dad poked my mom just when my future me in sperm and egg form decided to shoot out and meet. Same with my dad’s dad and mom. And so on. Beautiful, beautiful timing. Really.

I met a white guy who swore white people were biologically superior. He said it wasn’t his opinion, it was fact. That all the other races immigrated to the white lands because the white people had the most just and civilized societies and that places like Africa were full of disease and war despite all the aid the white people are sending them.

And he was a history major at Yale.

Apparently the Holocaust, Imperialism, and Hiroshima and Nagasaki stand as indicators for just and civil societies. Apparently. And perhaps Imperialism doesn’t explain why Africa all of a sudden became full of disease and war...

I was a history major for a half of a semester at West Point until I told everyone that 9/11 wasn’t true terror. Nagasaki and Hiroshima was true terror. Of course no true red, white, and blue blooded American will agree because they wear Bibles over their eyes whenever they pull a trigger.

Besides, freedom of speech is just a convenient button the authorities press when they think you deserve to talk or shut up. I still haven’t figured out why no one has jammed the off button for the Westboro Baptist Church (That’s the ‘God Hates F**s’ group). I can’t disagree with Nagasaki and Hiroshima but they can hate all the f**s and soldiers they want openly???

There are conditions for freedom of speech. Just like there were conditions to all men being treated equally. You had to be white, a land owner, and definitely have a penis. Preferably circumcised.

Tampon-makers aren’t allowed to say ‘vagina’ in their ads. US television networks said so. It’s such a naughty word you know.

VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA!

They’ll ban this book for sure. Freedom of speech...

If you don’t know this already, I f*****g hate people.

Whenever someone asks me what my religious beliefs are I’ve decided to respond as follows: I believe in a giant pink Moose that resides in a cabin on the fifth star from the sun. And he blew into a straw and sprouted the earth. The end. And the rest were happy days.

I love the National Park ads. All-American. How enticing. Only 15 dollars to enter and wander!!!

I want to know who came up with this idea in the first place. Charging 15 dollars to see a pretty part of the world that was never anybody’s to begin with. And how come they keep getting away with it.

Someone tried to tell me once that it’s only right; we need the money to take care of the park. I laughed because I’m pretty sure the park did far better on its own before any humans decided to occupy it. I also didn’t think the trees would appreciate our money much anyway. Least I hope not. That would be border-line cannibalism.

But who am I, to question something national and ‘All-American’.

What is ‘All-American’?

Who knows.

Anyway, I’m pretty sure the earth would have been a much more pleasant floating rock had humans stayed in the trees and avoided outlet malls.

In Florida someone decided it was a brilliant idea to import and free Burmese pythons. Now there’s thousands of them everywhere eating everything and they lay something like 60 eggs so we can be sure the damage is growing exponentially and not cumulatively. I’m glad humans half-a*s nothing dumb.

I always love learning people’s solutions to such problems by perusing through blogs and forums. One kid, a hick I’m sure who wears camo pants and resides in the wonderful panhandle, said he and his buds would gladly volunteer to do some snake hunting. Someone else, probably another hick, thought it was a grand idea but advised using flamethrowers instead of shotguns because python skin is like dragon skin.

And of course someone else said we should just nuke the hell out of Florida. I think nuking as a solution to anything is All-American.

A scientist with the name Herrstein, definitely a misplaced Hebrew, said they were all wrong and that they needed to introduce the natural predator of the python in Burma into Florida.

Right...

I think we should stop importing humans in Florida. Rather, we should never have started importing humans anywhere in the first place.

Oh humans.

Most won’t like what I write because it’s too true and it doesn’t entertain them. They’re all attention s***s who’d rather have Nicholas Sparks delight them rather than challenge themselves with Montaigne.

Poor, poor humans.

I heard a story on the radio this morning about a poor human and laughed. I laughed because it was so tragic, so disgusting, so unbelievably insane and irrational that there was nothing else I could do but laugh to keep myself from going absolutely bonkers.

Anyway, a teenage girl named Jules had hung herself with a pretty silk scarf her sister had given her for Christmas. They say it was because of bullying that she killed herself. Other students were jealous she dated an older boy who was a football player. Some wanted to be just as beautiful and smart as she was. And so they cut her down with words, all in good fun of course, and all because they’re only human. Plus, we have freedom of speech.

BUT NO VAGINAS!

You know humans are definitely the most vile creatures in this corner of the universe. At least e coli doesn’t try justifying when it kills.

It reminds me of another true story. The one about the four year old boy beat to death by his step father for spilling his milk.

Poor, poor humans.

Got Milk?