This Feeling

Here in this passage, I share and express feelings and emotions that I don't understand. In hopes for this message to reach audience of similar situations.

You don’t know what it is. It’s something. It’s somewhere. It’s someone. An object, a place, a person. A memory, a room, a loved one. Whenever you think of it, you’re instantly filled with hope, happiness, and motivation. You don’t know how to tunnel it all into a better state. You don’t have control over it. It’s overwhelming but it’s keeping you sane, happy, calm.

To your misfortune, something- everything in life has someone or something taking over and being in control. You’re not in control. But who is? It’s something else. Something that you created. Something that you cared for, cherished, admired, adored, and surrendered to. What is it? It’s something you don’t know but whenever it takes control, you give up. It overpowers you. Drains you. It uses you. It doesn’t even know what it is but it’s filling those holes inside you with whatever it doesn’t want or need inside it. It’s inside of you. It feeds on your happiness, on your love, on your hope, on your will-power and motivation. It drains you just to fill itself with those positives that YOU had. At that moment, you sit there. Unable to control it because you made it. It feeds on you while giving you its trash. It’s negatives. It’s sadness, sorrow, hate, fatigue, self-disgust. It doesn’t want it but it’s a beacon of those negatives. It’s a factory that you keep on fueling with your positives.

Balance is essential. This is why you thought that you had to care of it. Feed it. Those holes inside you from the past have to be filled one way or another. You’re not in control anymore. That unknown thing is. It orders you to feed it… and if you deny it, it slithers inside your core, your heart. It wraps itself around your heart, squeezes every little drop of hope and happiness. It keeps the sadness and negatives because it doesn’t want them. It forces you to feed it because YOU gave it power. It’s as if there was a long sponge that had the shape of a snake. Soaking in all of your happiness and hope. Using it to fuel itself and stay alive.

And you? You’re just a mere vessel in a massive blood stream. A single individual surrounded by this world’s negatives and its extreme lack of hope and happiness. You can’t help but feel desperate. You need something- anything to fill those holes inside you. That’s why you think of those memories to make more hope and happiness to fill those holes. But to your misfortune, that thing inside you beats you to it. It steals all of those positives, soaks them like a sponge. Once again you’re left with nothing but sadness and sorrow. You need to feel something- anything. Whatever it is or was. Those holes need something to fill them. You don’t know what to do so you helplessly allow yourself to soak up all of the negatives. You let it take over.

You hate yourself. You’re disgusted from yourself. You can’t forgive yourself for what you have done. But after all of that you start to question everything.. you question yourself.

Was there a snake… was there a sponge that soaked all of your happiness out of you? Did you feed it and willingly helped it grow and become the monster it is? Or are you that stubborn to realize that there isn’t a snake… there’s only a sponge. It’s you. You’re the sponge that allowed those negatives inside you from the beginning. You told them that they are welcome. You acknowledged them. Gave them a home and even let them in your heart because there was so much of them that they easily outnumbered your hope and happiness. Easily defeated the war of majority and became your norm. You let yourself soak them in because no one taught you. No one told you that this world spews negatives. This world is a factory. It’s their home and you’re in the midst of it. You’re unaware. Vulnerable. Exposed. No one told you to prepare yourself for a psychological war the second you set foot in the outside world. The second your comfort zone becomes unimportant. No one taught you. Not even warned you. They are also victims of such self-destruction. They were once in this position. But to their fortune, their life events, the people around them, and their way of life helped suppress and block and deny those negatives.

But you?...

Author's Note

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