Decisions

A story that's better read while vividly picturing the scenery. As if it was a dream to let your inner self unconsciously connect it to your current struggles for a better understanding.

A hole so deep with no exits or entrances, the only way in or out is up but there are no ladders or ropes. You fall inside and get stuck. The walls are wet and slippery, you can't climb out. There's no one to help you, you're stuck down there.

What do you do?

You come up with a plan that'll help you escape the hole, you strategically plan it out. This is it. No more being stuck. No more being alone. You're about to escape this hole- but... your plan crumbles... your method of being sane stops working. You realize the plan that you thought about doesn't work anymore.

What do you do?

No other way out but going up. Another plan has to be made but your mental state is fragile, you're at the verge of bursting but something's telling you to keep holding on to it. You don't know what it is but it keeps telling to you stay and keep fighting so you do that. You come up with another brilliant plan from scratch. You plan it out. You realize it will only work if someone at the end of the tunnel notices you're stuck here so you shout as loud as you can but no one comes... scream after scream. Your throat becomes sore but you keep screaming until your throat hurts so much.

Suddenly, a rope was thrown down for you to climb onto to it. You didn’t see a shadow nor a figure or any sight of a human being throwing the rope down to you but you still trust it. It wasn't long enough so you had to jump to boost and push yourself upwards to grab onto it. You failed. You failed. You failed. You keep jumping but this time you use the walls to push yourself upwards and you somehow succeed.

This is it. You're leaving this hole for good. No more plans. No more failures. You're actually leaving. You are inches away from the end but to your misfortune, the rope starts to break. Thread after thread snapping before your very eyes until finally, you find yourself falling down. All the way back down to where you've started.

Now you're all the way back down with nothing but a broken hope, broken limbs, broken sanity and 5 meters of rope.

What do you do?

You're not in a physical nor a mental state to be human anymore. No hope. No power. No strength. No thoughts. No success. You stay there... inside the hole. Alone. Broken. Destroyed. Hopeless.

It's about time you realize that you've tried your best. You've done your best. You've created hope out of nothing but you still didn't manage to succeed.

The end... the final hour. You're trying so hard to convince yourself this is where your journey ends but for some unknown reason that hope, that voice from the beginning is still there and it's still telling you to keep fighting. You don't want to fight anymore. There is no point. Alas, everything was thought of, everything was settled now.

You decide to close your eyes and relax because you deserve it. You know you deserve it. You've been through hell and still is in hell. You're entitled to relaxing and whoever says otherwise is wrong because you know what you've been through.

Your eyelids shut... one by one... your muscles relax... one by one... your breath calms down... your heart slows down and you finally manage to sleep and close your eyes during the midst of grief and chaos.

You start to believe that you’ll wake up tomorrow to a new day. A new start. A new beginning. But also a new state of mentality. A state that’s used to what happened to you. It’s not 100%… it’s not 80%… but 50% or less. A few hours felt like days… a few days felt like weeks… You were finally woken up from that nap something woke you up. It was a random rumbling under the hole’s floor. Still feeling the same pain. The same miserable feelings, it was as if you never slept. You try the next day to escape. All broken. Hopeless. Helpless. But there is still 50% left to be used. 50% of your willpower, hope, sanity, motivation.

Do you use it and drain it all or do you use it to make more? More hope, more strength so you build back up to 100% or at least 90% but this time you know what to do and what not to do.

Or do you just spend the remaining 50% blindly believing to get out of the hole with your little strength. It is possible to get out with 50% but the chances are very slim. Even the most hopeful people will doubt that it will work. You just ignore them and leave it up to chance. No time used to heal nor think of a new plan. Just set yourself back to 0% until you don’t have anymore power left to even heal again. You’ve used it all because you thought 50% is enough but in reality, 90% is the minimum that’s expected to even have a chance of leaving that hole. But grief, chaos, and misery took over. Suppressing that inner voice that was there from the beginning that told you keep fighting. Muting it and putting it aside so you keep destroying yourself over and over again.

A simple formula for self destruction is a fitting name for the latter.

You’re stuck in this state… a state of indecisiveness controlled by limited options. Two options but you’re lingering it… spending time to decide without guidance or support. Only ignorant suggestions that rely on a gamble of using the remaining 50% you have left.

The suggestions you’re being presented are heavily reliant on chance. There is a tiny chance that you will escape so they leave it up to chance and then judge you if you didn’t leave it up to chance. Then they come back telling you that you should try and never expect anything to workout by itself. But weren’t they just telling you that there is a small chance of escaping?

Why are they looking at the usage of 50% rather than waiting and healing for a 90% that has an extremely high chance of success?

You sit there, in that hole. You’re the only one who’ve experienced such misery and is being presented with solutions from individuals that have never been in your place and if you share your concerns or objections, you’re suddenly viewed as if you’re trying to make it worse for yourself… as if you’re giving up.

But are you giving up? Have they any idea of what you’ve been trying to do just to escape this hole? Have they any knowledge of the sequence of attempts, failures, little victories that led you to making a decision heavily influenced by the events of your journey?

Author's Note

I would love to receive feedback. Whether it’s complicated or in need of some adjustments for a better understanding.

Anything is highly appreciated.