Avaricious

The smeared lipstick reminds Emery how quickly Ares had fallen for her charm.Abraham would surely forgive her prior mistake now.She sits down, smiling at her reflection in the vanity. She brushes her hair into a soft braid.The door swings open violently to reveal an enraged Victoria.

"Didn't I tell you to stay away from him!" The woman screams as she throws an item into the mirror causing it to shatter.

Emery remains seated uninterrupted by the intrusion.

"You know that's seven years of bad luck Victoria," she says pretentiously.

After wiping a few tiny shards from her lap, Emery stands up and closes the distance between her and the woman. 

'I don't see what Abraham loves about you so much.' she says slowly circling Victoria.

 "Constant mood swings, aggression, and dripping with jealousy.Don't get me wrong. I can totally see why you like Ares so much.He does taste amazing." Emery pauses for a reaction.

Victoria slaps Emery causing her lip to split open.Fresh blood now accompanies the faded lipstick.

Emery reaches back to return the favor. Abraham snatches her arm in mid-air.

"Well, I am glad I decided to drop in.What a shameful way for young ladies such as yourselves to behave wouldn't you agree?"  Abraham locks eyes on Victoria while his grip tightened on Emery's arm. He pulls Emery up slightly to correct her posture. 

"Now run along and get cleaned up.I really must have a word with my darling" He says pointing to the door.

Emery exits the room angrily.

"Sit," Abraham said, as he indicated to a nearby chair to Victoria.

Victoria stands motionless not acknowledging Abrahams request.

"It wasn't a request!" Abraham said raising his voice.

The chair radiates a purple glow before slamming into the back of her legs causing her to sit down.Victoria runs her hands on her crimson dress trying to smooth the wrinkles away.Abraham leans down placing a hand on each arm of the chair.

"The pages.Where are they?" He asks firmly

"What pages" Victoria replies turning her head away.

Abraham snatches her chin in his hand forcing her to look at him.

"The pages that are missing from all seven books.All of them are choosing their actions on free will!." He slams his hands hard down on the chair, causing Victoria to jump.

Abraham takes a few steps away from her chair.He clenches his fists at his sides.

"I know you have been tampering with this round. I wrote each of these seven stories down to the last detail. However, they act in unpredictable ways.

Free will, the downfall of the human world.The council is put in place to correct their behavior.Create a perfect society.Here you are trying to save these lost souls.Not just the boy but others.Your choice to keep some will kill others.The pen is mine my dear, and I am the game master.The keeper of all the books.I decide who gets a new story or whose tales should live locked away in Purgatory.Now the pages my dear. Abraham opens his hand towards Victoria.

"Trade my life for theirs" she whispers casting her eyes to the ground in defiance.

Abrahams laughs 

" My father wrote your story magnificently.Such an elegant creature.I couldn't bear when you made that unfortunate mistake.Father was just about to file your story away in purgatory.I altered a few pages, and here we are together, immortal.Funny how things work out isn't it? 

We can spend it at each other's throats or happily.Your decision.If you will excuse me, I have other matters to attend to." Abraham says in a hasty manner 

He takes a few steps towards Victoria stroking her dark hair.

"If I were you I would forget about the boy.Your sacrifice was noble, but he just can't be fixed.Soon enough his story will be filed away like the rest of them.I will expect the missing pages to be present on my desk by morning.Sleep well" Abraham leans in kissing Victoria's head softly before he exits the room.

Victoria's angry tears stream onto the floor.

.

Reviews

[aLittlePain]

Hi Jade, see I told you I'd start again. It actually felt like a fluid read to this point. I can tell you've really hit your stride. I think right now I feel like everything is coming together nicely. When I read Venery and Omnipotent I felt like I was finally learning the council and felt the characters really shifted up a gear (Emery and Avery) they have personalities and distinct traits. Your dialogue is superb Jade (throughout). Gripping and beautifully progressive; bar none you have the most original storyline Jade! I only have 10 chapters to catchup now...lol, I'll try and get back to this again soon.
R xo

[Coyote Poetry]

A very good chapter.
" My father wrote your story magnificently.Such an elegant creature.I couldn't bear when you made that unfortunate mistake.Father was just about to file your story away in purgatory.I altered a few pages, and here we are together, immortal.Funny how things work out isn't it?
We can spend it at each other's throats or happily.Your decision.If you will excuse me, I have other matters to attend to"
I did like the above lines. Gave some history and some weight to the story. A very good chapter. Had the feel of real life.
Coyote

[Neal S]

I always love the supernatural aspect of your work. And this is no different. Enjoyed this a lot!

[HeyJadeXO]

Thanks neal =] how are you !

[Neal S]

I'm doing great! Hope you have a happy holidays! :)

[HeyJadeXO]

you too! lol im gonna spend some of it writing =]

[Neal S]

Just as free time should be huh lol

[D Connolly]

First paragraph, I think you should revise to "show not tell". For example: Sitting carefully down at the vanity and smiling at her reflection, she muses while brushing her hair into a braid, "Abraham will surely forgive me...". It's almost exactly the same thing, but bringing it into the present doesn't make me feel like I'm floating above someone, but rather in the character's shoes. I see the same need throughout this chapter. Abraham's sentence about their behavior is run on. "Wouldn't you agree?" would be good by itself rather than a continuation of a sentence.
I like how your characters are developing; I like how you've given them pride, jealousy, compassion, and disobedience. I think I'm starting to understand what the council is doing; you've eluded to it a bit more in this chapter. Keep going! This story is shaping up very nicely!!

[HeyJadeXO]

Thanks D ! I will take a look at your suggestions today =]

[ReedWrite]

Very interesting story line. It has a lot of potential, and grabs the reader's attention as we try and figure out where it's going to go.
I see some tense, grammar, and punctuation issues, but those are easily fixed with a good edit. You have a great start here.

[HeyJadeXO]

Thank you for taking the time to check it out and critique!

[Tabby Mac]

Great idea for a story! I can see this into a movie! The time period is Victorian? At least that's what I pictured. I want to read more! It's captivating and gripping!
In the very begining you say and angry woman. I wonder if you just say...it was Victoria? The next sentence addresses that Emry knows her by name but I thought it disjointed when reading. I had to reread it to be sure they knew each other. The rest of the story is well around the characters I can feel you building their personality...same with Victoria towards Emry when she slaps her. You say slaps the woman causing Emry's lip.. since they know each other would it take away from the story if you just said slapped Emry causing her lip....?
You have built the tension between them and it's understood they aren't really friends. I believe I as the reader would still get this message if you just said their names.
Just a thought to keep the flow and impact going. I felt like I had to think to much about that as I read.
Other than that tid bit I love it!! It reminds me of a masterpiece classic movie!!
More please!! Great piece!
Tabby

[HeyJadeXO]

thanks Tabby ,Great advice .I will work on incorporating !

[Tabby Mac]

Always a pleasure! Great piece!

[Hannah]

I'm so gripped!! Such an interesting story line

[HeyJadeXO]

Thanks Hannah !

[Ted Kniffen]

I like this chapter. The premise is good and the storyline intriguing. There are a few grammatical things to look at, as noted by Jay and Mark, but that's what re-writes are for. Keep going, it's coming along.

[HeyJadeXO]

I am brand new to writing so lots to learn =]

[Ted Kniffen]

I have been writing a very long time, and I still have lots to learn. You're in a good spot for it here.

[Arvad Lazar]

Gripping, i haven't read other chapters so don't what exactly is happening here but this does paint a vivid picture in my mind.

[HeyJadeXO]

There are previous chapters available if you are interested.Thank you for reading !

[JayG]

What you're doing is explaining the story to the reader by describing a series of visual images, of the form: "This happened...then that happened...and after that..."

But does knowing she smiled, without knowing what motivated her to smile give us useful data? No. We can't see the nuance of the smile and we don't know why she did. So it's a voice whose emotion we cannot hear talking about things for which the reader has no context. Yes, we're learning things, but we are not being entertained because the viewpoint is the narrator's, which it should be hers.

I looked back at the end of the previous chapter and it didn't help me know why Emory is smiling, or even where we are.

Here's the thing: you can't tell a story on the page the way you do in person because storytelling is a performance art. The audience needs to hear the emotion in the storyteller's voice. Fully half the story lies in the way it's told. Look at two different storytellers with the same story.

The first strides to the podium, as if impatient to begin. He smiles, and nods a greeting to the audience. He extends a hand, as if presenting a gift, as he says, “Susan loved her mother.” His voice is warm, and we know that the story we’re about to hear flows from Sue loving her mom. So a mood has been set with four words and a bit of storyteller performance art.

The second speaker, however, saunters in, and on the way to the podium sniffs, and frowns deeply, as if disliking the smell of the place. Once at the podium he looks the audience over as if displeased, shaking his head, arms crossed, body language closed in. Finally, he flips a hand in the audience’s direction, and in a voice dripping with sarcasm, says, “Susan loved her mother.” The same words were spoken, but the mood set was far different. And the audience knows this story is to be far darker.

That mood setting—the emotional part of story—demonstrates the effect of performance, none of which makes it to the page. There, mood must be set by other means, because when you read, “Susan loved her mother,” how would you read it? As the first speaker? The second? Or as the writer intended?

Problem is, intent doesn’t make it past the keyboard. Nor does performance. Only the words, dry and emotion free, make it, which is why you might want to pick up some of the techniques the writing pros take for granted, and next time, blow your reader’s mind with prose that not only records the words, it evokes emotion in the reader.

Never lose sight of the fact that our goal isn’t to make the reader know our hero is frightened. It’s to make them afraid to turn off the lights.

And that’s why, if you’re going to write fiction, you need to learn the fiction writing techniques, in addition to the storyteller techniques you already know. They’re designed to overcome the problem I just defined. And that problem is just one of many our schoolday teachers never mention, as they train us to enter the job market with writing skills useful to an employer.

Like any other profession, fiction writing has a skill and craft set dedicated to solving the problems of practicing the profession. True, we’re given the impression that our basic education is sufficient. But did they tell you even so simple a thing as how to manage the scene goal—or even that it exists? In reality, we leave school convinced we’re ready to begin a career as a novelist, but in reality we’re prepared to begin learning a profession, be that fiction, accounting, or bricklaying.

The good news is that you can get started on learning those professional techniques for less than the cost of a Saturday night out at a decent restaurant. You can even sample the meal, so to speak, with this article:

http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/art/scene.php

And if what the writer says makes sense, the next step is to pick up either the book he recommends, which is by far the best I’ve found, or buy Debra Dixon’s GMC: Goal Motivation and Conflict, either as an online download or in hard copy from her webpage.

Swain covers everything, as deeply as a college professional writing would—which makes sense because he was that, in addition to being a popular adventure writer. But some find that depth intimidating. Dixon doesn’t go into the subject to the same detail, but her book is a warmer read. Either are more oriented to the nuts and bolts of writing than stylistic issues.
It's not a matter of talent or potential. Obviously, you have the desire and perseverance. What you're missing are the tricks of the trade that the pros take for granted.

For a sort of preview of the knowledge needed you might want to poke around in the articles in my writing blog.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

[HeyJadeXO]

Thanks Jay . I will take a look