Beyond Gender

This is not from the point of view of Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, or Transexual. I don't mean to un-include those interpretations, but it originates in my struggle not to be type-cast...

Men cry, men feel
Men are affectionate and men nurture
Men emote and men can cook
So when I say I am a man,
Don't tell me who I am
Don't tell me I'm the oppressor
Don't tell me how evil dwells in me
I inherited a sex, and accepted a gender
Don't type-cast me
Don't stereotype
Don't paint me into a negative light
Maybe I am naive
Thinking evil is not male-owned
Thinking we can all be equal, even in what's bad
Believing in equality until I see it in the world
But for everyone I meet who espouses gender politic
There is only one agreement on which they all click
"Men can do great evil!" -They all nod unquestioningly
Am I truly the last of a prototype?
Did the mold break after me?
I know men of caring and sweetness
Men of strength in character, not muscle
Men who champion loyalty and quality
Has this image truly died?
Is that ghost culturally denied?
Can we not even dream up men in fantasies
Who exhibit virtues worthy of pride?

I am a man, but not your gender stereotype
I can create a new species of man
Homo altrusiticus, the Altruistic Man

Author's Note

I live in the San Francisco Bay Area, where I have found many people have knee-jerk reactions against anyone inhabiting what might be called the traditional "male" role in society. I have had a lifetime of simmering tension. Don't be surprised if this creates a controversy. I am hoping my views can open some people's minds to what I consider to be REAL MEN.

Reviews

[Tina Louise UK]

You my friend are like a breath of fresh air...this read actually made me feel guilty, I have in the past taken that kind of attitude because I knew no better. In my life I have had no positive examples of men...they have always come attached with abuse of some kind or another. I've literally had to fight my way through life just to try and survive them. I am humbled to have made such a wonderful friend in you, thank you for restoring my faith in man :) x

[Robert Tusitala O'Neill]

I am touched truly, not just that you got what I was saying here, but that you overcame probably quite reasonable bias to see my point. That speaks well of you also, that you are honestly open-minded and willing to know that your experience isn't the end of the story. It may sound strange, coming from a MAN, but I have spent a lifetime now fighting the image of men as the f*****g twats (excuse my language) that they are depicted as in most popular media and even in the minds of most women I meet. I have had to argue with my own sister about this! I have more female friends than male friends and sometimes in the midst of a conversation they will say something outright generalizing and horrible about men as a whole, and THEN they turn to me and say, "Oh, but you're not like that...You're a GOOD man." It is as if I'm NOT a man, because the image of wha a man is has been so sullied in their minds. How can I help but be disgusted and inflamed? Though there may be an outright majority of lousy men, that is not the image of what a man is which people should ascribe their ideas of men to. Plato said that in Heaven there was an ideal form of everything, and here on Earth we only strive to get as close as we can to that ideal template. His ideas relate well to abstract cultural considerations like "What IS a man?" We cannot take the lowliest form of man, and decide that is our universal template for manhood. Culture is like this, and I have taken enough Cultural Anthropology classes to know that our abstract ideas of what niche we need to fulfill in terms of gender are NOT able to be scientific standards to measure with surveys and statistics. Cultural standards are just like Plato's Forms. They are templates. When we shape our cultural mold to make more cheating, lying men, full of false machismo, then that is exactly what we get. It is a creative process.

[Rachelle]

What makes a man? Competence, culture, compassion, conscience and character. And the same is called for in a woman.

[Robert Tusitala O'Neill]

My lord!! Where did you hear these Five C's?! I have never heard them, but I am shocked by how applicable they are!!! Did you invent them?! You should sell them!! I do, in point of fact, look for precisely these these things in a woman...but now I have the words to use!! I thank you!!!

[Rachelle]

My parents constantly tried to instill them in all 6 of us. It's a matter of bringing honor to our family.

[Robert Tusitala O'Neill]

I love them, and I am glad to have them in my life, thanks to you!! These are wonderful family values! I hope very much to have a family one day, and I have a great deal of wonderful family traditions to instill in them! I may have to pass these on as well though!

[#SecretWriter]

This is really good, people often forget that sexism can go either way and you've captured so many points really well. It also asks the question "What is it to be a real man?" And I think that it comes down to individual cases and sometimes forgotten qualities.

[Robert Tusitala O'Neill]

I think many qualities of maleness have been forgotten by our current culture. I am very disappointed by this (and that is an understatement) because feel as though by depicting men as apes with no emotion our society is also condoning men BEING apes with no emotions. It is only our humanity itself that allows us to refuse to follow social dictates in this regard. Thank God our humanity cannot be repressed!! I am genuinely grateful that people cannot be forced into strict gender roles, because it would be a sad, sad world if we all were reduced to that pitiable state. I truly believe that real men are kind and treat others with gentleness...like GENTLEMEN should. For some reason society nowadays (from my experience) has chosen to emphasize all that is ugly about men. All negative things in their character are emphasized. They are loved and hated for the very self-same things. Nothing could be more confusing or negative for all of society. I feel like particularly where I live society has turned its back on the kind of man I am and would like to be. I cannot accept this.

[Justine]

Homo altruisticus - I love that it's so creative ! This is a powerful write, assertive and reasoned. If only "equality" existed, but alas it only exists in rhetoric. Stereotyping is just plain wrong as there is no such thing as a "typical" male, female, child, family or anything else. People are way to quick to make snap judgments and then these judgments become embedded in their concrete thoughts and are often hard to change. I think you raise awareness really well here. Well done. Justine

[Robert Tusitala O'Neill]

I couldn't agree more about snap judgments becoming embedded in the concrete of our existence, Justine! Thank you for helping me raise the awareness and for your clear understanding of my points!! There truly is no such thing as just a "typical" male, which proves the fallacy of our categorization of people using those concepts. It is as wrong as saying a person's skin color tells you how good they are at something. We all just point to the most obvious differences and say, "Yep, that's why...that must be it!" Then hopefully we move on, but some people DON'T move on from there. That is the END of their thought.

[Baby Ricochet]

I'm a big, muscled up, hyper-masculine kind of a dude. I was in the Marine Corps, I was deployed to Afghanistan once and Iraq twice. We did what we had to do to survive and sometimes that meant extreme violence. Whether I'm proud of that or not isn't part of the picture. We do what we gotta do to survive, that's it. There's nothing I love more than bodybuilding and sex with my girlfriend and I'm as heterosexual as a man comes. My best non-marine corps friend is gay and my favorite TV show is project runway. I can cook, I prefer a clean space, I have crying spells that can last for some time. (PTSD, I kinda think it's a bullshit diagnosis. If you're not slightly permanently freaked out after spending two deployments in a war zone you're a psychopath) and my cat loves me. Am I a stereotype? I don't know. I don't think about it a whole hell of a lot. I just do what I do to get by and have some fun before I'm to old and crazy to care. So what's a REAL MAN? F**k bro, I don't know. Tim Gunn from Project runway is cool. Seriously, how can you not love that guy. Anyway. I liked your poem. I must have. Most of my reviews are one line flip remarks. If I write more than that somrthing rang my bell. So the next time someone gives you grief for being male just scratch your a*s and forget about it. You know who you are so screw them.

[Robert Tusitala O'Neill]

I'd say without doubt that you are the kind of man I am talking about, a real man! I am glad to hear it. You are beyond a stereotype, more real than the narrow confines of a social image of gender defined roles. I think we all need to be! It is not gay or straight, male or female, or any combination that matters, it is what makes you HUMAN! We can't allow people to sum us up in a simple statement like, "Well, he's that way because he's a guy!" That is just being stupid and having no ability to define further than the first thing you see about someone. It's as wrong as racism. What you prove is that the hardest and strongest of men are still REAL MEN who cook and love and don't have to be shy about saying they cry now and then. Having that wide range of abilities is something we should pride ourselves in, not deny...and you don't deny it, which is why you are a real man. I am glad we can have a good belch together and not deny ourselves being men in THAT way, but that we both know there is a lot more to it than that!

[Baby Ricochet]

Thank you sir

[Frieda P]

Applause, applause, geez, you could be my brother, you're so similar and he lives in SF too...women deal with the same gender issues, if you don't cook, if you don't act, dress a certain way, etc....society does impose their structure and those with closed minds will always adhere to being asshats...good on you for writing this Robby!

I must say, I like that sorella... (sis) you rock! thank you..... great Robear there are people here on WC who are like us!!! ha!

[Frieda P]

Ha I thought this was Robby saying sorella, don't confuse me Eli ;-P

Oops.... well I bet he can say it to you too after such a good review...... :)

[Frieda P]

Like us, you mean crazy? haha ;-)

HAHA yes, I think only crazy can see a certain light, ;) others can't ...... ~__~

[Frieda P]

It's the poet in us, or that fine wine...ha, sorry Robby, we took over his thread. ;-)

Oh sis, shame on us lol.... Robby sorry from me too... but your status update already predicted epic discussions lol so, hmmm I get to my appointments Fri ha! better I go lol...... xx

[Robert Tusitala O'Neill]

Aaah!! It isn't letting me comment again!!! I am getting worried this will disappear like several of my reviews did from last night. Anyway, thank you so much, Frieda! I love that name, by the way...I'm sure I would get along with your brother and I feel like ESPECIALLY in the San Francisco Bay Area, it is hard to define yourself as male without being stereotyped into a tight corner. However, I have no doubt that women have issues with being narrowly defined by their gender here and everywhere also! I am against it EVERYWHERE and universally. Anyone who seeks to be more than just a cardboard cut-out stereotype of what society has pasted on them, is supported by me! I give them my full-fledged support! In fact, the one thing I support the least is people who ONLY wish to be defined by their gender roles. I know a few of them and I weep for them. They are indeed asshats, like their counterparts who only define others in terms of gender roles.

[Robert Tusitala O'Neill]

Sorella!!! There I said it!!!

[Frieda P]

I wholeheartedly agree with you here. My brother lives in SSF, there are a lot of odd albeit interesting characters there, makes life all the more interesting, who wants to be ordinary anyway. I think the last thing on their minds is fitting into cookie cutter gender roles.

[Robert Tusitala O'Neill]

You are right, it is literally the last thing on their minds, but then for ironic reasons they have no respect for people who have a full and rich version of the traditional role of men either. It is all about progressiveness here and not harkening back to what was GOOD about some past time. I don't know, I could really go on and on. The Bay Area is a great place to live, but having spent a lifetime here, I am tired of our unique problems also. Everywhere else I have lived in the world (New Jersey being one of them, and London, Paris, and short stints elsewhere) I feel less "picked on" for just being who I am...White and male. The general social consensus is that being white and male automatically puts me in the class of the least hardship faced by any social group. I can say with complete assurance that this consensus is utterly wrong. White males are no less free of hardship than any other group, and in a place as "progressive" as the Bay Area, being white and male means you face unique challenges that are hard to even explain to anyone in a way they will listen to. For example, people can openly discriminate against white males and not even give a reason. I know it sounds like a joke, but it is actually true. The world hasn't come back around to actually giving everyone equality. All it has done is put a series of strange jury-rigged crutches in place to support an already failing system of preferences. There was most likely a place for these preferences in a not so distant past, but everyone I know has grown up for a life time now passed the Civil Rights Movement, and in a multicultural era. We haven't gotten over all the changes of the 60s, 70s, and 80s, but guess what? It has been thirty years and we need to move on!! The answer now is to start repairing some of the unfair preferences we put in place and give people an actually equal chance to be seen for who they are. I feel that Martin Luther King Jr, a caring and sensitive man himself, would agree with me. I want only to be judged on the content of my character, just as he did. I don't need special government programs to support me in hiring and firing practices...and I know I am getting controversial here, but my point is that we really ARE all equal. When are we going to stop equivocating about how to make everyone equal (revealing our secret biases in the process) and just allow everyone to be equal? Systems like Affirmative Action were not put in place to build equality. Instead they work by boosting one race over another. I support legislation that gives stiff penalties to companies that use gender or racial stereotypes to hire and fire, of course, but social and governmental forces that deliberately focus on supporting inequality should be stopped now. Perhaps they served a function for the last few decades, but all they are functioning to accomplish now is the biasing of some otherwise equal hiring practices. Incidentally, when I single out Affirmative Action, I am saying that with full knowledge of that that particular program's details are. I served on the Affirmative Action Commission of my high school even as a student, and afterwards. What I found was their attitude was VERY biased, and I was shocked and saddened.

[Robert Tusitala O'Neill]

Wow! I wrote a lot! I guess this is a big point of contention for me...

[Frieda P]

I can see that it is, you said it all here, nothing left for me to say, the point is really, HOW...it's human nature I guess, many people want to fit in their small contained worlds to feel safe, and don't wander outside those parameters.

[Robert Tusitala O'Neill]

Well see, I am an anthropology major and for awhile I was a professional archaeologist, so this stuff is fairly important to me, as you might guess. What I have found is people want to consider themselves more "Same" than they really are most of the time, and they are mostly striving not to be different and to be their own perfect individual, unique selves...that perfect snowflake. Instead they are most often fighting to fit in! I detest that. I want people to share what is most beautifully unique to them. After all, this is the one thing you really have to offer the world. Being one of a giant flock of sheep is really not all that important. It is when you are the only one doing something no one else has even thought to do, then you are helping forward a real cause!

[Robert Tusitala O'Neill]

I tell you one thing my friend, I love men who can cook, who can write poetry who have a feminine side in them, who can be able to be romantic, who are not afraid of their feelings, who are utterly beautiful in explaining things, and who are not afraid of touching such topics. Men just are always men, but it's the default of society who made them think, and live in a "made rule" what made them hide their feelings, from early stages, men never cried, why? I wonder why? why must men be so strong? and standing (in the civillian rule above women?) uh not in the Netherlands, not in my (our world here) ode to gays, lovers, travestites, all here)... we are a free country, so I really enjoy the open poem/write, to this taboo topic. Thank you for posting it. Men are men, even if they have feminine sides. Me for example am a woman, but with a very technical male brain... who does blame me for that? why not cooperate? on where we are good in? In my world there is no rule or vain claim to anything, let's be free in how we are, and live the way we love. Thank you for such a thought provoking piece my friend. I appreciate it.

- Elisa

[Robert Tusitala O'Neill]

Thank you SO much for a review of this, Elisa!!! This is a dear topic to me. I am strong and I can fight and I can do "traditional male oriented behavior," but I don't believe that is ALL I am, or even all MALES are. It is a tight squeeze for most men I know. One size does NOT fit all for men OR women. I don't understand WHY disagreeing with the blanket statements society throws at us about these things is so taboo, but thank you VERY MUCH for recognizing it IS a taboo and for not being afraid to respectfully disagree with me!!!

You're so right, you're one of the first who can admit, and I love you for that! there was one male in my life before who did that, and he wasn't gay, he was just as wise as you are. I do agree with you all the way! I think if you are in Holland one time you would just enjoy being at the gay-parade here, lol with all fun even as a hertro!!! here we are all equal. We don't discriminate. I loved this write. Thank you thank you for posting it. Well done!