To My True Love

Written for an ex I never knew would leave me...She apparently didn't get it.

I hope you hear the words I have not said
I hope you sense the love I have not expressed
Though I may lavish you with praise and worship
Cherishing your very existence
And the pure essence of your being
I hope you can somehow know
The things I can only vainly strive to communicate
The emotions only half understood
...But felt without question
If you could only know the faintest ghostly image of my admiration
I know you could never doubt my love

***EDITED WITH HELP FROM LINDA MARIE VAN TASSELL:***

I hope you hear the words I have not said
I hope you sense the love I've not expressed
Though I lavish you with praise and worship
And I cherish your very existence
-Celebrating the essence of your being-
I hope somehow you can know within you
What I vainly strive to communicate
And yet feel completely without question
If you could only know with certainty
The faintest ghostly image of my love
You would never doubt my admiration

Author's Note

If you can give me pointers on how to cut down lines to a more metrically even line structure I would be grateful.

Reviews

[Lydia Shutter]

The problem is, no one can grasp what is locked inside your heart and mind. Some things have to be communicated. Unfortunately a lot of folks are wary of expressing emotions. Sorry you lost her.....you obviously cared a great deal. Good writing. Lydi**

[Robert Tusitala O'Neill]

Lydia, it is almost too incredible, but the person this poem was written for was also named Lydia. I always called her Lydi! When I saw your comment I "shuttered" instinctively. It is definitely apropos that you would comment on this and I have to admit that I am not particularly superstitious and yet when things like this happen I can't help but take it as a spiritual sign of some kind. I thank you for your comment!!

[Lydia Shutter]

That is really spooky.....everyone has called me "Lydi " since I was a little girl...and sometimes only "Lyd". Well, perhaps she will not read your words, but this Lydi did.....maybe there is some cosmic reason for that! :)

[Robert Tusitala O'Neill]

I hope so!

[Praveeta]

A sweet poem dedicated to the one you loved. A pity that feelings could not be expressed when opportunity was there.

[Robert Tusitala O'Neill]

Well, honestly I read it to her, but she clearly didn't feel the same way, since she left me anyway.

[Praveeta]

Sorry about that. But you expressed your feelings well.

[Robert Tusitala O'Neill]

Thank you, Praveeta, it means a lot to me!

[Brandon]

Beautifully expressed. Splendid read and write.

[annabellee]

what a beautiful and sweet poem. Thanks for sharing your sincere emotions with us.
Well done :)

[Robert Tusitala O'Neill]

Edited version, 10 syllables per line:

I hope you hear the words I have not said
I hope you sense the love I've not expressed
Though I lavish you with praise and worship
And I cherish your very existence
-Celebrate the pure essence of your being-
I hope somehow you can know within you
What I vainly strive to communicate
And yet feel completely without question
If you could only know with certainty
The faintest ghostly image of my love
You could never doubt my admiration

***

This is not quite as beautiful to me, but it is keeping to a meter. I prefer switching "love" and "admiration" but I am not certain how to keep to the metric limits that way.

[Linda Marie Van Tassell]

I hope you hear the words I have not said
I hope you sense the love I've not expressed
Though I lavish you with praise and worship
And I cherish your very existence
-Celebrate the pure essence of (remove - your) being-
I hope somehow you can know within you
What I vainly strive to communicate
And yet feel completely without question
If you could only know with certainty
The faintest ghostly image of my love
You could never doubt my admiration

I think "would" would sound much better in the last line instead of "could." In my opinion, "would" is softer and more affirmative, while cold seems like more of a question and doesn't fit the warmth of the rest of the poem.

If you want to switch "love" to "admiration," you can easily do so by changing the line to:

"and sense the admiration unexpressed"

[Robert Tusitala O'Neill]

Ah, now this is great advice. I am going to toy with it in my head until I know I have it right...

[Vidya Bacchus]

I have no pinters because i think your poem is perfectly , hauntingly ,beautiful as it is.Lovely:)

[Robert Tusitala O'Neill]

Thank you so much, Vidya. I hope to share more and have more wonderful comments to thank you for!

[Vidya Bacchus]

You are welcome and i hope so to:)

[Fernando Dardón]

Beautiful poem, congratulations!!

[Robert Tusitala O'Neill]

Thank you, Javier. I must get around to reading yours. I have been busy and a bit down, but I will check them out!

[Fernando Dardón]

That would be great! Thank you :)

[Linda Marie Van Tassell]

This is another beautiful expression of a love unrequited, a lament over something grasped but for a moment before it slipped through your fingertips.

As for advice on how to meter, I would recommend:

Create an outline for the poem before you write it, deciding in advance upon the meter, rhyme scheme, etc. Use this as a guide when writing the poem itself. I find that this is very helpful in eliminating the excess words within a poem. It also helps me with each line along the way so that I don't have to do so many rewrites.

Example:

Decide upon length of poem: 20 lines. Don’t let this be a limitation if the spirit compels you to write. When this happens, adjust length accordingly.

Decide upon the rhyme scheme (if any):

A
B
A
B

C
D
C
D

E
F
E
F

G
H
G
H

I
J
I
J

Decide upon the meter: 10 syllables per line

If you're like me, a lot of times, when the inspiration hits you, you'll immediately write that perfect line within your head and run to grab that piece of paper to write it down before you forget. These poems, to me, are always the best because it seems as if they are divinely inspired. If this happens, let those few lines be your guide in so far as meter.

[Fernando Dardón]

I wish I could complement this review with something else, unfortunately English is not my first language. I write poems in English when inspiration comes to me,with no rules but the rhyme. Nevertheless, I think it's a wonderful poem, prety sad yes, but wonderful!

[Robert Tusitala O'Neill]

I appreciate your help, Linda. What I want is a metric structure substantially shorter, to accommodate pretty much only the lines I have in this current poem, not much more content, but which allows it to really shine. I agree with you overall and I think the standard 20 line ABAB structure is good in some cases, but I feel it helps to start with a rhyme scheme in mind. Since I didn't start with one this time, I am trying to find a structure that most closely conforms to what I have. I don't want to conform my poem to a drastically different structure. Is this short enough to be a sonnet, for example? English or Italian?

[Robert Tusitala O'Neill]

Thank you very much, Javier! I am very sincerely grateful for praise on my poems because I rarely share them.

[Linda Marie Van Tassell]

I was just giving an example of the kind of outline to use for future reference. It wasn't meant as a dictum for the current poem. I personally don't think this poem is sonnet worthy, without a great deal of effort. When I read it earlier, however, I think it could be greatly improving by minimizing it to 8-9 syllables per line. I think that is easily doable with what you've already written, without taking away from the message of the poem itself.

[Robert Tusitala O'Neill]

Hmm, the "read more" link is not working for me, so I haven't been able to respond properly, Linda. Sorry. I will get it on another browser and maybe that will work.

[Robert Tusitala O'Neill]

Ah, okay, now it is working. Thank you, Linda. I see what you mean. I am very opened to different poetic styles and I am not well versed in many of them. I have a few like sonnets I know. This is more free-form clearly. I am trying to discover a structure that works for me better. So far I have just been very much free form and it makes it hard to know what the logical limit is to each line. I want to complete the thought but I don't know if it is more meaningful to sometimes break the syllabic pattern as a kind of meaningful point in and of itself. What do you think?

[Robert Tusitala O'Neill]

Why not 10 syllables per line?