Watching You Sleep

Watching you sleep
This secret moment of mine alone
I have you all to myself
My eyes ravage every inch of you
Every line, every crease
Right now, in this present fleeting universe of a moment
You are really and truly admired
Unawares
Scanning the angle of your curves
Changing shape with new light
Visiting new provinces of you
Like so many undiscovered countries

Is it possible you could be dreaming of me
Or the things I can see
Beneath that beautiful skin
What sort of conscience dwells within
Your restful face
So piqued with innocent amusement
A face to deny life is suffering
Here, at last I can experience true love

Author's Note

A few lines are too long. I have not been strict with any meter or syllabic order. Please give me suggestions on where to edit a word or two so the scansion is better.

Reviews

[The Representative]

There's nothing, which I would say "needs" changing. Do you remember, from before, when it was that you asked me about how one goes about imagining a scene, and telling a story, and my answering that, in part at least, the answer lies in emotional truth; in reading, just now what I've read of yours, I would say that there isn't anything about the language that you've chosen which undermines the telling of emotional truth.......what you've written Robby is perfect - or, at least perfect, in being understood as a subjective form of truth.


"Changing shape with new light"....impressed with this line!

[Robert Tusitala O'Neill]

Mr. Representative, I am very complimented! Thank you. It is great praise to hear this is emotionally powerful coming from you!

[Priscilla Sayers]

I think it is perfect, Rob!
Beautifully expressed! There is much love the pulses through your writing!

[Larq]

"What sort of conscience dwells within
Your restful face"
Truly beautiful to read as you seek to know the depths of your lover. I just stumbled onto your writing tonight and will read more. Thank you for sharing this warm, intimate piece. Added to my library.

[Robert Tusitala O'Neill]

I am seriously complimented to be shelved among the cherished reads of your library!! That you sincerely! I don't hear that much!!! I look forward to us trading many more good poems!!! Thank you for reading, and for commenting specifically.

[Traci]

So piqued with innocent amusement
A face to deny life is suffering
Here, at last I can experience true love

If anyone knows about true love, and appreciates everything about romance it is you, Robby. There is something so sacred, so beautiful in watching the one we love sleep. True bliss, giving us a deeper appreciation and love in a moment of vulnerability, when all is quiet, when we can truly reflect on our lover. You have captured this moment beautifully love, each word full of emotional honesty, truth that portrays your love for her, words that delve much deeper, beyond physical attraction. Whether it be with her or another, may you feel that love again :)

As far as the structure of the poem, and necessary changes....you write from the heart and soul, raw emotion that is heartfelt, free flow in THE moment. Change nothing!

[Robert Tusitala O'Neill]

I always appreciate your confidence in me! Thank you dearly!! It really is honest love.

[Dye]

So sweet and romantic. I love that feeling of being consumed with someone that everything about them, even sleeping - just makes you feel fulfilled.

[Robert Tusitala O'Neill]

I love that sleeping with someone you love can be one of the purest and most intimate way to enjoy just the existence of them.

[Frieda P]

Such a moment of togetherness even though unaware, it's a tender touch of true love bliss'd. We've all watched/adored someone whilst their sleeping, wondering if they're dreaming of us. Sweet read Robby.

[Robert Tusitala O'Neill]

Thank you, Frida! This is partially a tiny bit cliché, I admit, but at the same time, it was a moment I stumbled into honestly. Sometimes you realize, "Wait, I am actually in the middle of THAT cliché right now!" It was a beautiful moment though, and what can you do but honestly accept that when life gives you lemons you must make lemonade just as others have made lemonade before you...At least this is YOUR lemonade, and maybe it will be better than other people's. I know you were not saying this was cliché, and I don't mean that to put down my own work. I just mean that some moments are really universal. This one has that elusive mass appeal, even though I didn't intend that. When I wrote it I was just thinking how beautiful that moment was. I had just awoken. It is that, "Wow, I am so lucky to have her" feeling that is best felt when the other person is asleep and you have time to really feel it all in depth.

[Frieda P]

We should all be so lucky to these sweet 'cliche' moments in our lives, doesn't happen often enough, sometimes you just have to pen what comes naturally in that instant, and in that moment all was write with your world, consider yourself charmed indeed.

[Robert Tusitala O'Neill]

Well YOU are charming me! Thank you!! I also do feel glad to have had this moment. I wish that I might hear from the girl once again...I did love her so.

[Jennie Baron]

Maybe I could give some help with that? First of all, I love the poem, I agree it's beautiful as is and I'm also foolishly romantic. IF you want to edit you could consider what "of mine alone" adds in the second line when you follow it by "I have you all to myself." Every word matters in a poem! Also, think about "this present fleeting universe of a moment." Are any of those words superfluous? And in the second stanza are both "possible" and "could be" necessary?

[Robert Tusitala O'Neill]

Unfortunately in "This present fleeting universe of a moment" I can't bring myself to part with any of those words, though I wish I could find words similar enough I could swap them out without losing the meaning. It would still likely be too long though. That is why I have just basically left it alone. Your first change is well worth considering though, and I very much appreciate your kind effort to really help me with formatting this.

[Jennie Baron]

Just some food for thought. Again I think the "if you want to edit" is a big "if."

[Robert Tusitala O'Neill]

I appreciate it! What you made me think of though, is that "Right now" can probably go from that line!

[Jennie Baron]

I agree even if I didn't think of it myself. There are

[Tina Louise UK]

Such a beautiful tender read...love it :) x

[Robert Tusitala O'Neill]

I love your review. I miss being in love...

[Tina Louise UK]

aww you will be again x

[Robert Tusitala O'Neill]

Here's hoping...

[Tina Louise UK]

With your looks and personality it won't long I'm sure x

[Robert Tusitala O'Neill]

;-)

I certainly don't take that kind of kindness lightly! Thank you!!

[MsJewel]

I love romantic poetry and this is stunning. Some lines are long and although there isn't a strict meter - the poem flows softly - almost dream like. It gives the reader the feeling you really are writing this as you watch your lover sleep - I think it is beautiful without any changes.

:) Julie

[Robert Tusitala O'Neill]

The truth be told, Julie, I was...It is hard for me to think of changing any lines because they are the way they were when the sun was just streaming in the window with it's first sunbeams of the day, and I was gazing on my loved one.

[VALENTINE]

A face to deny life is suffering...

Possibly the most enlightening line I've ever read, and can relate with.

[Robert Tusitala O'Neill]

Wow, thank you so much, Valentine! That is a very kind statement. I am glad you picked this line out though! I think it is my favorite of this poem as well!

[VALENTINE]

Realy? wow, imagine that -happy co-incidence. Lol...

[Robert Tusitala O'Neill]

Well, I guess it must mean SOMETHING...you know? I don't have any egotism about it...I think sometimes lines just pick YOU, rather than you somehow creating them. I am working on being more receptive to great ideas coming in. It is a unique skill. You just have to know how to open up to it.