Struck

I have been struck

 

Phase 1

Struck,

like the fawn...

collapsed in the darkness.

Battered, broken

crumpled, beaten.

Between the bright beams of light

reflected

coldly on the road.

 

Phase 2

Just like the fawn

my eyes...

glaze over.

My lungs...

void.

Blind to the night.

Immune

to feeling.

 

Phase 3

I can feel

callous eyes

watching.

Through the frosted glass

it seems unreal.

The fawn's plight

just...

nothing.

Phase 4

I can...

pick myself

back up.

Battered,

broken,

but not beaten.

Dazzled,

blinded,

confused

between the bright beams of light

dashing back and forth

through the cold twilight.

 

Phase 5

I am stunned.

Amazed.

Dumbfounded.

I limp.

I stumble.

I crawl along the road.

The cold pavement

beneath my fingertips

mirroring your feelings.

You cast

a stare so deadly

it strikes me through

the heart

as if hate were

tangible.

 

Author's Note

This poem is VERY recent. How do you feel about the ellipses? Too many?
Also, how do you feel about the phases?

Reviews

[Bran the Broken]

Interesting format. I think it comes across strong and desperate and pained. The imagery is stark. The terse line structure, and abrupt ends give a sort of breathlessness or 'limp' to this piece, helps to draw out the feel of being struck and stranded, physically or emotionally..

[Carmalou]

I like the phases and the ellipses. :)
I'm not sure if this is what you were going for, but the way you wrote the sentences kind of helps me hear the speaker, almost like they're out of breath.
I like it. :)