Pity Me O' Princess

Letter to Princess

PITY ME O’ PRINCESS

"I am guilty, I have betrayed… I have cause perversion, I have caused wickedness, I have sinned willfully…."-Yom Kippur Prayer

On this Day of Atonement, I do not ask for forgiveness but rather beg for your mercy. I do not deserve to be pardoned. I dare not ask for understanding, for I can give no answer to the question “Why?"

This simple three letter word has haunted me ever since. I have cut you deeper than any blade could, I took advantage of your love and worst of all, I stole your innocence, which can never be returned. I selfishly prostrate myself before you in acceptance of any punishment that can cleanse me of these sins. Yet I know that no sacrifice, no lashing, nor banishment can rid me of my guilt. Not even the welcome release of death could save my soul.

"Our Father, Our King!

Forgive me! Pardon me! Atone for me!"-Yom Kippur Prayer

But the Almighty cannot possibly give me any solace, for it is not God whom I have wronged, but rather, I have hurt a beautiful angel borrowed from heaven. My own blood. You are a pure light onto this world, kind, compassionate, and strong. All the qualities of a true Princess for our dear Father and King. Till the end of my days, I will be overcome with guilt and regret but this, is still no justice. No repercussion, no reparation, and no consequence will ever right my wrong. I have hurt you so irreparably and I will forever loathe myself.

"I have been deceitful, I have scorned, I have rebelled, I have turned away, …I have been perverse."-Yom Kippur Prayer

Like a con man, I deceive through omission. Blending like a chameleon into the populous. Hiding from judgment in plain sight. Trusted by those unknowing.
But I cannot hide from the hate and disgust emanating from your eyes as you look at me. I am a coward that cannot meet your gaze. I live in constant, paralyzing fear that the world will see me as you do. As I also see myself, my true self, the monster in H.P. Lovecraft’s mirror.

“And on the Day of Atonement it will be sealed… Who will live and who will die… Who will enjoy tranquility and who will suffer… Who will be degraded and who will be exalted."-Yom Kippur Prayer

On this Day of Shame, I do not ask for respect but rather I plead for indifference. I do not deserve dignity. I dare not ask for sympathy, for I was not sympathetic.

I have worn my Scarlet Letter now longer than I have not. It brands my person with a forceful reminder of what I have done and society’s view if me. Even though I have tried to bury my sins from half a lifetime ago in an unmarked grave as my forgotten past.

But sins never die.

I have been consulted about methods on how to remove this epithet that I have chose to forgo. I feel compelled to bare this cross to keep my past decisions in clear focus. Guiding every decision I make until the day I meet my lord. I chose to throw away my conscience and robbed a loved one of a normal life, instead turning it into a nightmare. I know not the reason for my actions nor can comprehend how I could have done such evil. I took advantage of your kindness and trust. Why?.
I've caused everlasting pain. A saint should not suffer for my sins. A sister should never fear her brother.

“For the sin I have sinned before you through confusion of the heart."

Forgive me! Pardon me! Atone for me!"-Yom Kippur Prayer

On this day of Reflection, I do not ask for compassion but rather I pray for empathy. I do not deserve your kindness. I dare not ask for your trust, for I betrayed you.

I am standing alone in this cemetery of the lost and forgotten. I'm visiting a tombstone barely visible, damaged by time. It belongs to a Black Prince, not born to the King and Queen, lost before he could understand the effects of sin. Each year the sands of time demand memories of him as tribute. The boy is fading from my mind but the pain in my heart continues to grow. I no longer remember his joy for life or his excitement for what the future holds. What remains in my mind, rather, is the feeling of disappointment, of a lost potential and visions of a once happier family.
I’d give anything to go back to save you o’ young innocent Black Prince. Princess, you loved him, trusted him, and deserved more of him. You should have protected her o’ Black Prince! Been there for her! Raised her up! You both could have grown up learning from a brilliant king and bathing in the love of an unyielding queen.

Alas, these are just the regrets of a damned soul. The Black Prince was laid to rest half a lifetime ago. But it came as a complete shock to the family with everyone asking "Why?!” The young boy our King and Queen took in as their own ended up being a source of much pain. The kingdom has yet to recover and most likely never will. Our King is now quick to anger and our Queen is a shell of her once proud self. Princess, you left the kingdom, leaving all the pain and memories of the Black Prince behind. Your kindness, compassion, and strength always stayed with you not matter the circumstance.
I filled the hole left by the Black Prince’s death. I was not welcome in the kingdom but like a parasite with no other options I just tried to survive. All the time, praying for any level of acceptance.

I will not ask to be forgiven for I cannot forgive my own self for what I have done. I will not ask to be pardoned for I deserve to be punished. I will not ask to be atoned for God was not victimized. I will not ask for respect for I cannot earn it. I will not ask to be treated with dignity for my shame is justice. I will not ask for kindness for you should have anger. And I will not ask for compassion for I acted like a monster.

I only ask for your pity. Not you sympathy or your empathy. Just pity. Pity the once pure Black Prince before me. He did not understand sin nor could he comprehend the long-term effects of his actions. He only sought love from his family and just wanted to belong. He would never try to break the family apart.
I beg for your pity again. Pity me like Ivan Ilyich needed to be pitied. I am different than the once loved Black Prince. I know of sin. I can comprehend the consequences of deeds. I understand how my actions effected the people I love and changed my family. 
I don’t expect forgiveness, but please understand my sorrow and guilt. It weighs on my heart every day. It can never decrease, as there is nothing on this Earth that can fix the damage that I am responsible for. No amount of correspondence will ever be sufficient as an apology. I know I won’t be able to truly quantify your pain and suffering. But I promise, I will never forget what I have done to you and my sorrow will never diminish. My title will forever hold me shamefully accountable for my past. In this kingdom I am no longer a Prince but rather just “OFFENDER”.