My Goodbye

My Goodbye

Tell my sister I'm sorry

For I will never awaken from this slumber

This permanent dream

Some type of wonder

I know she looked up to me

maybe a little to high

for I was never that free 

never truly alive

Walking around like some type of zombie

All broken and bloody

But now its time for me to leave

To completely surrender

So I won't have to be another pretender

These are my last words before my goodbye

All I can say is 

I can finally see the sky.

Author's Note

No, this is not goodbye. I'm not completely satisfied with this poem. I feel like some thing needs to change from "All broken and bloody" to "have to be another pretender. Any ideas?

Reviews

[Dillon Gay]

"For I will never awaken from this slumber
This permanent dream"

and

"These are my last words before my goodbye
All I can say is
I can finally see the sky."

Were freakin' beautiful.... as for your suggestions for changes, I'd say maybe change "All broken and bloody to, "All broken and restless" and "have to be another pretender" is perfectly alright within the context, rhythm, and rhyme. Nice poem!

[Ella]

Thank you very much. Super great review! I'm happy that you found it to be freakin' beautiful. I was pretty proud of it myself. Thank you so very much!

[Ella]

Feel free to send me some of your writing i would be more than happy to read and review them!

[emipoemi]

You have power, intensity, profundity, and utter brilliance right up until the last two stanzas where you go slack and simply say a couple of things as they are, rather than what you feel. Consider fiddling around with these suggestions:

"But now it's time [and here say something that symbolizes relinquishing your will and life]
To completely surrender
And not live as simply another pretender

Here lies my testament; my last goodbye...."

Everything else is brilliant as is! Stanza 2 is simply divine! Well done!

[Swim with Me]

Very nice job, now i feel like a child for almost crying. Very nicely written, you have a good taste for rhyme.

[Malior]

This one is great. No, I wouldn't change a thing. It reads like song lyrics.

[Joey K]

Not usually one for poems, but this is fantastic! I would only change "All broken and bloody" Maybe you could change it to:
-Uncertain and wavering
-All cold and helpless

[Indra Neil]

a profound and poignant write! well done!!

[Ella]

Thank you!

[Indra Neil]

u r welcome!

[Hassan99]

Oh my god, reading this was just wow, I loved it. I loved the line, "she looked up at me maybe a little too high" i really understood what you were going for as the author. And the end was just fantastic as well. Great great poem!

[Ella]

Thank you im glad you can understand what i was trying to get at. Thank you for the amazing review! Im happy to know you liked it.

[Robert]

Sometimes to move on to become happy, it needs to be done. What is life about, to be happy. No matter what you do, or who you are, or how you are with, or who you love, its all about being happy and as long as your not hurting someone or something in the process of being happy, then you have peace of mind. If you have peace of mind what else could you ask for or should you ask for? Sisters and brothers always look up to the older siblings she will always look up to you. Let her know you will always be there for her.

A heart telling poem, it appears this is your forte.

[Ella]

Thank you ill keep searching for it and thanks for helping me realize that.

[Robert]

You are welcome Ella. You will find it when you least expect it.

[Ella]

Let's hope that's soon.

[Ella]

But now its time for me to leave
As I completely surrender
Oh please do not grieve
I just don't want to be another pretender

This is the revision i plan on making. Thanks to the people that helped! What are your thoughts should i change it? (This is the third section. I only plan on changing this, for now)

[Joey K]

I actually like that part the way it is, but if you want to change it. That's up to you.

[Pushkar Prabhat]

This is beautiful......though obviously sad........
imagining our death and penning the virtual last words.........really flesh out the writer and reminds of things important and dear......
years of living could never be completely put in few words........the dissatisfaction signifies, in my opinion, that the speaker is not yet ready.......she is still hopeful (and capable) for the things to change.....

awesome write....
i loved it!!!
:)

[Ella]

Thank you! Happy to hear you liked it. I always enjoy hearing the readers interpretations and yours is pretty right on in my opinion. Although everyone can interpret it as they see fit. Thanks again.

[Pushkar Prabhat]

well that is what poetry is all about......reading oneself in others words.......
you are very welcome........!!! :) :)

[....................]

ah, the suicide note, to be left as a life slips away...a final goodbye to the one who held the speaker on a pedestal because children don't often see pain the way an older sibling does... this is another stark write about the darkness that many of us live with at points in our lives...my cousin took his life at age thirty because he felt like this and it was sad because he didn't know that there were those of us who would have been there for him, would have quit our jobs and gone to look after him, just so that he could ahve lived...

By writing these things you continue to bring awareness to them... this is good work, Ella!

[Ella]

Thank you I've been working on this for about three days now and it still needs some improvement. I'm sorry to hear about your cousin. I'm sure he was an amazing person.

Thank you so much for reading all my writings and for saying all these nice things about them. :)