Tethers

A poem about unrequited love.

Our destinies once converged,

Unbeknownst to us.

Each pulled and pulled

until the strings came unfurled.

Upon the wall were etched

flesh-carven words

“Alone once, nevermore”

Was it you or was it I?

Who untangled our fate,

once intertwined

Now I wear a forced smile

and whisper sweet lies,

I had to reach a compromise

for I knew you’d never be mine.

Reviews

[JayG]

You're talking TO the reader. That's a nonfiction technique.

What can a reader make of, "Our destinies once converged..." if they don't know who's speaking or who this unknown person is talking to...or why....or when? So while they may say, "Uhh...okay," It can have no emotional content for the reader, who lacks all context.

Instead of talking to the reader about what's meaningful to you, make it meaningful to the reader. Call up memories and assumptions we all share, or, provide context for the ones you supply. If you talk about the shrieks of children in the playground, the reader is right there with you, on the scene, visualizing their own time there. But when you say, "Was it you or was it I? Who untangled our fate, once intertwined" The only thing a reader can say is, "What are you talking about?"

In short: Make the reader care, and NEED to know.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/