Murder Was the Case

A story i had written for Creative writing class tell me what youthink about it id really apprechiate it

 

The sun melted from the sky, as it sunk below the skyline. The birds flew from the trees in an awkward fashion as they made their way to their nest for the upcoming night. A Winding trail sat below the trees, its dirt and rubble exterior ran through what seemed like and endless forest. A couple walked down this path, holding hands and laughing, as the creatures of the forest watched in anticipation. The Woman, Vanya Her golden blond hair was in a sloppy bun, her jeans were a little too big, and she wore a long tee shirt. She ahead of the Man, Ben, A middle aged Man a small 9’o’clock Shadow that was always there, he has short brown hair and is the pack mule of this hiking trip. “Vanya Wait up!” He yelled with a smidge of laughter in his low tone voice. “Hurry up slow poke!” Vanya Cried, as she turned her head at Ben sticking her pink tongue out. Ben let out a sigh and ran toward Vanya and tried to catch up, the backpack shook as he ran. She Giggled and continued to run, as they came to a turning point she ran to the corner, and as Ben did the Same Vanya was No where in sight. “Vanya…?” Ben Looked through the Bushes and behind the tall earthy trees. Vanya was no where.

     Ben Continued to search as the sun rapidly fell from the sky. “Vanya! Come out I’m not playing!” He cried as cold sweat fell from his forehead. His voice echoed through the forest. Ben continued down the dirt path, he lost his footing and fell from the road into some sort of Rut. He slowly stood up wiping the dirt and leaves from his back. As he looked around the path he was just on, was gone. He was in the middle of huge trees, and a flock of crows fly over his head cawing loudly in a black swarm as they fly off into the sunset. He turned his head not seeing any thing, but in the corner of his eye he saw a small cottage in the distance. A tall Shadow passed behind the Cottage in a flash. “Vanya!” He ran toward the cottage, as it got closer and closer, as the odd feeling of dread filled the moist air. He stood at the cottage front door and looked up at it, it had a faded Yellow tint and the shingles on the roof were half gone. The Shudders shook as the wind blew. He looked into a broken window he scanned through the darkness, as something Darker then dark passed through into another room.  Ben walked over to the front door and kicked it down and it fell with a large thump, leaving a cloud of dust behind. “Well, that was easier then I thought” Ben Mumbled to himself as he stepped over the fallen down door. He looked around a dusty old living room, reminding him of his grandmother’s house, the couches and chairs covered in doilies, the mantle filled with old trinkets, and a grandfather clock still ticking in the corner. The rug was old and stained, as the wood floor was faded and scratched. The book case was sealing in a plastic material, and a layer of Dust covered that Material. He walked into the Kitchen, the floor was covered in leaves as the door outside was latched open and leaves had blown in. The Cabinets were filled with empty boxes and rodents. There was no refrigerator just a table and four chairs. Ben felt an odd breeze sweep through him; it was a warm but had a cold feeling. A loud thumping noise echoed from upstairs, sounding like someone was walking with large heavy boots. “Vanya!” he yelled. He ran down the hall, on the uneven foundation. He reached a long stair case and looked up not seeing anything. “Vanya this isn’t funny!” he took one step up the stairs as the foundation below him crumbled and he fell into the basement, as pieces of the rotted foundation fell on his face, as he lied there motionless.

       Ben lay on his back, eyes closed. He moaned slightly in pain as he sat up looking around in the dark basement, as his eyes adjusted he saw shapes and figures of things around him as they were outlined in the light coming from the small window in the wall. Ben got to his feet and looked around. He noticed a chair he picked it up and placed it under the tiny window. He leaped onto the chair and looked out the window seeing nothing but a large plain of tall grass. A shadow moves through the tall grass slowly slithering toward the window, as Ben became startled and fell backwards of the chair. “Jeeze…” he said rubbing the side of his head. He stood once ago seeing the Cellar door, as he ran to it twisting the Locked door violently. A loud awkward sound erupted from the heater, and flames shot out of its large iron mouth. The flames flooded the side of the cellar the floor and the roof, as the flames crawled toward Ben. Ben smashed his fist against the door, as he heard foot steps coming down the stairs from behind the door. “Vanya!!” he cried. A small Giggled Echoed from behind the door. “Yes?” said a voice sounding like Vanya’s. “Vanya unlock the door!”He continued to slam his fist against it. “Hehe why should I? You still need to catch me” Vanya ran up the stairs and the flames filled around Ben, as he screamed for help. Vanya walked out of the house, back into the forest with a demonic grin on her face. All of a sudden the Cottage burst into the flames, as Ash and rubble fell from the sky like ran. The trees light on fire and spread through out the forest, as Vanya Disappeared into the smoke…... Murder Was the Case.“Oh how
that immortality meant never dying”.

Reviews

[Kain Delo]

I'm sorry but I couldn't read it properly and I had to copy-paste it to a word document and edit the paragraphs so it didn't look like one big, scary-looking blob of writing.

That's the first thing that you have to consider when writing a story, (in my opinion), the size of the paragraphs. Why don't you try cutting them up a bit and probably setting one thought in one paragraph and then separating the next thought. Like so.

Another thing that you have to look out for is the use of your comma. Your comma is your best friend and you should never forgot to use the comma. The comma, like a lot of other punctuation marks people use to formulate comprehensible sentences, should not be forgotten. Also, we should not forget the importance of capitalization. And let's not ignore the fact that sometimes, some words don't work for a particular sentence and we have to paraphrase during the time of proof-reading. AND spellcheck!

For example:

From:
"The Woman, Vanya Her golden *blond hair was in a sloppy bun, her jeans were a little too big, and she wore a long tee shirt."
To:
The woman named Vanya, had her golden, *blonde hair in a sloppy bun. She wore a long tee shirt and her jeans were a little too big."

*For males, it's blond and for females it's blonde.

I honestly had no idea what was going on with the plot and I based most of my review on the first half of the first paragraph.

Also, another thing you should remember is separation of the narrative from the dialogue. Sentences spoken by the characters should be in a single paragraph, not included in the same paragraph as the narrative. But there are special cases that I cannot find in the paragraph I based my review on. An example of a single paragraphed dialogue would be:

From:
[Ben Looked through the Bushes and behind the tall earthy trees. Vanya was no where.
Ben Continued to search as the sun rapidly fell from the sky. “Vanya! Come out I’m not playing!”]
To:
[Ben looked through the bushes and behind the tall, earthy trees. Vanya was nowhere. Ben continued to search as the *(sun rapidly fell from the sky.)

“Vanya! Come out I’m not playing!”]

*If the sun were to rapidly fall from the sky, we would probably not have a sun after it did. Or maybe we'd just be plain and simply, dead. Or it could be both. I'm not sure. You should probably rephrase that into, "as the sun rapidly set and disappeared from the sky."

Please note: Be particular of your vocabulary.

Another thing you have to change is your rapid shift from past tense to present tense and back. When writing a story, one thing you have to be consistent with is the tense you are writing in. If you are going to write in past tense, use words or sentences or phrases in the past tense and the same goes for a present tensed story.

Another thing you have to fix are the randomly capitalized words in your story. They're very distracting and often piss readers off.

I think that's all? If you have anymore questions, please do send me a message. :D I did not mean for this to come off as very insulting. I was merely trying to help. XD