When and if only

I'm afraid to put my neck out there, and face people.

When i first wore this jacket, HE was still alive.
When i first wore this jacket, i was more than... 2%.
When i first wore this jacket, all was right in the world.
If only i could go back to that time
before he wanted to kill me,
before i pushed him over the edge.
What did i do to cause that?
What wrong did i commit to make him want to kill me?
Was it one game too many of hide and seek?
Or was it one rejection too many?
If so, if only he could've seen,
known, that i was a little girl,
having fun in her little world
not taking anything seriously.
If only I could go back to that time
With the knowledge of that
I would accept him in a heartbeat.
For he is the only one
that I think of always
that I can love romantically.
I would easily marry him,
have his children,
sell my soul for,
just to get him back.
I accept all memories of him.
The good, bad, terrifying.
If only I could remember what I did to make him snap.
If only I could go back to that time
except if i did, he'd have killed me.
But I would have died, loving him.
I would have died in an image he would like to look at.
If I were to be lucky,
He would still be in existance,
and I would be of age,
and I could be more than 2%.
He could make me 100%
and things would feel right.
All I see though,
is the coming war.
and in my dreams,
if it is by Gods doing then it is wonderful,
but in my dreams
I see his return
granted not in an amorous way
but he returns nonetheless
and that thread of hope
keeps me hanging
along with what i see to come
as i dream
day and night
it comes to me
and i piece it together
memories resurface
and things make more sense
things are explained
yet i cannot tell
for if i do
it might not come true
and i cannot risk what i see not coming true.
For it would be my undoing
To remain normal
It would be glorious
to be as he was
to restore people to their places in society
where they should be
and their period of break can be considered to be that
and nothing else.
As if it never happened.
I can only pray and hope though
that what i see is of Gods doing
and that the things i see are by his will and his plan
and that they will come to be
but still........
Oh how I miss Alexander
Just the name is perfect
He is a wonderful creature
but I know that by voicing it aloud to those closest to me
I would be deemed a fool
an idiot
for clinging
and holding on
to something, someone,
no longer present
even though i feel
his spirit has never left
and that he remains
watching
as he always has
as is his nature.
But ive tried to let go
to move on,
but i have yet to reap any sweet fruits from this labor.
I think to myself
perhaps im too young to let go
perhaps im only deluding myself into all of this.
But i hope that none of these thoughts are true.
As was the crimson moon tonight
in the lunar eclipse,
as was the coming of the winter solstice,
which i interpret
as others do
to mean that it signifies the coming of bloodshed,
of a great war,
in a time of cold
i can only assume these things
and in due time,
all shall be revealed.

Author's Note

I have issues don't I?

Reviews

[TheFunkyCactus]

A very emotional and interesting piece of literature. It doesn't really have that sort of "Poetry-flow" but in this case it works well without it. The story it portrays seems deep and intricate, with many complex emotions weaving through it. I actually emphathize with the subject... to love someone who tried to murder you, would be disasterous. Anyway, bravo~