Chapter 14: Wayward child

Her mother leaving had almost broken Helen, and she stayed alive mainly because she looked forward to her nightly encounters with the two small spirits who lived inside her, and who both told her very clearly, and firmly, that her mother had not left because of her. At times, she almost believed them, and their assurance certainly brought her comfort. Even so, she began acting in the manner of a neglected child, desperate to communicate her needs, but with no language to do so, and with no one who cared to listen anyway. Her young body communicated to her with pain, and Helen could tell no-one, for the only language she knew was the language of shame. Helen’s belly ached, and she stole and hid and lied, and her shame grew. 

Some nights in her darkness, Helen felt the presence of an ancient old woman. 

“Dark Mother!” she called, “Please help me!” 

But the mother would not help. 

“It is not your time daughter. Draw on the magic within you, and all will be well.”

By the time Helen reached her teenage years, she had mastered the art of mimicry, and she fashioned herself on her elder sister. And the two went wayward, and the agents of old Lord Pompadour, who were waiting in the shadows, smelled their vulnerability and preyed on them. And Helen hid and lied, and her shame grew. 

Real love came her way rarely, and often unbidden, from unexpected and unlikely places. She felt the ancient and loving presence of Mary at times. She felt it through the kindness that came to her from black-gowned Sister Anne, who bestowed gifts to wish Helen well when she was expelled from the convent school, and was about to embark on a new journey elsewhere. 

Helen unwrapped the gifts, perhaps not fully understanding the extent of the compassion they contained until she was much older. A wooden picture depicting the Blessed Virgin, the most blessed mother, holding her own beloved child. And a poem. Helen read the words, held them to her heart, and treasured them for many years. 

Go places this new day, where your heart will 

Walk where you will and in the walking know 

The way is yours 

Allow for storms 

At end of day, they’ll prove 

Your heart was wise and your choice was good. 

Helen sought love; she craved love, but she did not know the right places to look for it. Her heart never seemed very wise, nor her choices good. And, as she continued to seek love outside of herself, and as she grew and moved away from childhood, she found that her ability to listen to the spirits that lived within her lessened. And, as her encounters became less frequent, her need to find a way to relieve her pain increased. 

Food was the first drug that was available to her; food, then cigarettes, then alcohol, the three substances forming an unholy and relentless cycle of addiction. Her once perfectly and skilfully crafted brain had been warped, first by her trauma and then by her addiction. And, as her encounters with the spirits that lived within her came to an end, her addiction grew, and it tainted her every experience, and her very existence.