The Beach

A friend told me they would meet me in a dream. How would I know how to find them? They said they would be at the beach...

The sun beat down on her body like molten waves of pure pleasure.  The steady thump of her heartbeat seemed to thunder in tune with the ocean crashing up onto the white sandy shore. Ahhh, she felt literally grounded to the earth and completely aware of her body. Her backside could feel the heat rising up from the sand through her plush navy towel. She sighed and wiggled her backside further into the sand letting the ground conform to the curves and contours of her body. Ohh, this was nice. Her left hand lay at her side and she used her right to shield her eyes from the sun as she peered over at her companion who rested beside her. He was the only other person present there with her on this private island. This was their paradise.
   "Best idea ever Ryan" she said.  He just smiled and closed his eyes. The same pleasureful sigh escaped his lips as he nestled down into his own navy blue towel.
   She peered over at him a while longer admiring the droplets of salt water in his cropped brown hair and the way he looked so peaceful; he could be sleeping though the trace of a played on his lips.
   He was aware she was observing him  and kept his eyes closed to let her study him without interference. He wondered how she saw him. She was inquisitive and seemed to always know a bit more than what he chose to share. It was slightly unnerving at times for someone to see you so closely. So nakedly. He fought the urge to open his eyes but took a breath in and relaxed. There were things he wasn't ready to show and tell just yet.
   She saw him inhale deeply, a small wrinkle of concentration forming on his forehead and wondered what he was thinking about.  She wanted to smooth it away with the touch of her lips or the brush of her fingers but held back knowing how intimate those gestures could be. Even here he could carry his stresses with him. She felt amiss on how to set everything right with the world for them both.

   Maybe for now it was enough to just lay with someone, side by side, in one of the most beautiful places in the world. 

Author's Note

One of my best friends is adamant that I start sharing my writing instead of writing for myself. Writing is something I'd like to pursue further because I take such pleasure in creating and its therapeutic benefits don't hurt either. Please let me know what you think and thank you for having me in this beautiful writing community.

Reviews

[Clayton Bardwell]

You friend was right. I love to read stories like these so please post!

[Lucien Maier]

good work, great descriptions, you are doing wonderful setups here. Really nice word work. You have a talent, now you have to let the stories. All those lessons you have learned in your life can make great stories. You have the power with the words, I look forward to seeing where you take us.

[HWinter]

Thank you :) more to come!

[zainul]

I am very pleased to see an ardent writer has started her journey of writing career from a lovely beach.The helpful reviews done by learned writers of WC will warm up her to be a
famous writer which is her aspiration too.
Wish you great success!!!

[HWinter]

Thank you very much! :)

[zainul]

You are most welcome :)

[EurasianFlavour]

This was a very nice piece. I could really feel the beauty and tranquility in solitude.

You're very descriptive, which is great, but I think sometimes your choice of words creates the wrong imagery. For example:

"The sun beat down on her body like assaulting molten waves of pure pleasure." This actually sounds painful and not relaxing or comforting. The sun is "beating" and "assaulting"!! especially when coupled with "molten" it sounds like she's about to burn to death. (the sun warmed her body, like gentle rays of pure pleasure)

"The steady thump of her heartbeat seemed to thunder in tune with the ocean crashing up onto the white sandy shore." "thunder" makes her sound scared or nervous (when her heartbeat becomes so loud its all she can hear), and "crashing" reminds me of a storm. (The steady thump of her heart beat in tune with the peaceful ebb and flow of the waves?)

"Her backside could feel the heat rising up from the sand with only a plush navy towel to prevent scorches to her back." Scorches!! Again, burning!! (Only a plush navy towel separated her back from the heat caught in the sand?)

I'd suggest choosing calmer descriptors (I just put example sentences for comparison to give you an idea of what I was trying to explain). She's enjoying the warmth of the sun, the solitude of the beach, the gentle ocean sounds, and sharing all of that with a guy she cares about.

Still, you did a great job describing thoughts and relationship of the characters, and you have a very strong ending. :) Hope this helps and you continue to share your work!

[HWinter]

Thank you! That was very helpful. I honestly hadn't even noticed the "burning" theme in there. I think I just love that full body warm feeling you get when laying out at the beach. Does sound like she will get a sunburn ;).

[EurasianFlavour]

I'm glad I could help! I hope I didn't come off too harsh. I really did enjoy the piece. :)

[Sarah]

Hi, I love short pieces of fiction and this one caught my eye. Be warned: I may come off as a little harsh, but I try to be as constructive as possible, and my comments are for those who wish to know someone else’s true opinion and hopefully learn what they can do to improve their work and grow. It is what I look for in reviewers and I expect nothing less. You don’t have to take my word as gospel. I always start with the so-called negative comments. I hope this helps, truly. All my comments will be in brackets.

I'll start with the individual sentences:

"The sun beat down on her body like assaulting molten waves of pure pleasure."
(I feel like the word "assaulting" isn't needed because you've already said "the sun "beat down" on her body" but that is just my opinion, keep it if you really like it)

"Her backside could feel the heat rising up from the sand with only a plush navy towel to prevent scorches to her back."
(this sentence sounds a little awkward when I read it aloud. Maybe try switching it around like so: "Even though she had a plush navy towel to prevent scorches(burns) to her back, she could still feel the heat rising from the the sand beneath." or some other variation.)

"She stared over at him a while longer admiring the droplets of salt water in his cropped brown hair and the way he looked so peaceful that he could be sleeping except for the trace of a smile still playing on his lips."
(This is a very strong sentence with a clear image, however I do have some suggestions. Instead of "She stared" try something a little more colourful "She gazed" or "She observed him a while longer" or something else, whatever works best for you. Also after "he looked so peaceful" end that thought with a semi-colon and get rid of "that" like so: "She stared over at him a while longer admiring the droplets of salt water in his cropped brown hair and the way he looked so peaceful; he could be sleeping…" Also this part "except for the trace of a smile still playing on his lips." instead of saying "except" maybe say "though the trace of a smile playing on his lips proved otherwise." or something along those lines)

"She wanted to smooth it away with the touch of her lips or the brush of her fingers but held back knowing how intimate the gesture was."
(when you say "with the touch of her lips or the brush of her fingers " you are talking about two things so the ending of the sentence should be "but held back knowing how intimate those gestures were (would be).")

Okay now for the positive stuff!

"The steady thump of her heartbeat seemed to thunder in tune with the ocean crashing up onto the white sandy shore"
(this piece of imagery is incredible vivid, it really put me in the scene)

"Maybe for now it was enough to just lay with someone, side by side, in one of the most beautiful places in the world."
(This ending is great, I totally know the feeling of holding back from romantic inclinations and just accepting the moment as it is, so I could really relate.)

Over all I think you should keep posting, and keep writing! I want to see more. You have a gift when it comes to stimulating the senses. Good job! (hopefully my negative comments didn't offend you, I truly just wish to help)
With love,
Sarah

[HWinter]

Hi Sarah! No your remarks weren't too harsh at all. I agree with all of your suggestions actually haha. I will make changes and repost it! Thank you for taking the time for reviewing my work. I hope to return the favour and check out your writing in the next few days.
With love back!
Heather

[Patrick Henry]

Awesome review!! Great story.... Even the negative came off as positive. Congrats to you both!! Only the "he, she, and her" words were really distracting because there are lke 50 in all. xoxo -Mark

[HWinter]

Haha thank you Mark! I never noticed that!

[Daniel Malone]

Thank you for sharing. This is a well written piece. I can tell you've chosen your words carefully. I think the opening was especially strong. I could feel the warmth of the sun, and hear the sounds of the tide.

[HWinter]

Thank you!!! :)