HAPPINESS, BUT NOT MY OWN

My eyes glistened and before I knew it tears streamed down my face quicker than I could wipe them away from my cheeks. What caused it? Knowing all will eventually be lost to give you the happiness you want while being fully aware of the fact that I will be surrendering my own.

At first it didn’t bother me, knowing I am on a healthier life path than I was. I’m more happy and confident with who I am and who I will be and what I want within my life. I want to be the mother of a child, maybe two who stays at home and looks after them on a daily basis. I want to be with a husband who I adore and whom adores me and our children. I want to be the woman who greets her husband of a night with a home cooked meal and a kiss; who sits around the fire laughing and drinking red wine with her family and telling stories about our day. That’s what I want, Traditional.

But the fact is it bothers me now. If it was true, unconditional love how could you look at another and have similar thoughts. This isn’t twilight. You aren’t my Bella. You are you, and you’re casting me in the role of being your option. I’ve loved you through all of the things we’ve been through, almost six months and you still make me smile. You also make me angry, sad, jealous and sometimes even doubtful but I still love you for who you are. You make me happy so why am I crying like we’re saying goodbye?

With every little change I make to myself, the more I see that you can’t handle it. You fell in love with a young woman who was trying to find herself and was just beginning to get a grasp on where she belongs in life. That woman was me. She still exists; the truth is she’s terrified of the world but she knows what she wants now. I’m just an improved version of myself. You hate change and so do I but there are little changes that happen naturally over time and some are for our better wellbeing and all around happiness. I say we embrace them with loving, open arms.

I’m not sure where my flooded emotion came from when I began to cry this evening while you were sleeping. I don’t know why it took so long to affect me. Perhaps I’ve been in denial and honestly that would make a lot of sense to me. I’ve fallen so hard for you that the mere thought of you having feelings for another girl, especially one you’ve already dated is really daunting. I don’t know how to process it or how to even begin dealing with my emotions. This girl you love, no matter how little or how much is beautiful. She’s been through rough times, and you’ve always been the one to be there for anybody who falls apart and needs fixing. You’re falling for her tricks. The damsel needs saving, and there you are at the bottom of the tower, sword in hand (quite literally) listening to her woes. She might have nice qualities yes, but actions speak louder than words and her past actions have spoken. No matter how many times you reassure me there will always be that small doubt telling me that you love her too. She loves you too. Perhaps I was wrong. Perhaps I am not the Heart thief; maybe just maybe it was her all along.

Long distance relationships are hard. You never truly understand how each person in the relationship feels at any given time. You can try to let them understand. You can let them hear your heartbeat, you can send them songs that remind you of them and you can share moments with them that nobody else will understand; ultimately though the feelings can’t be expressed through words or expressions over the computer. You have to be in the same room, feeling those amazing sparks that fly through the air. You have to see for yourself the way that the other person speaks so highly of you to others. You have to feel that incredible burst of love every time they touch your hand to really know how they feel. I know that you love me. You know I love you. What’s stopping us from taking that leap of faith?

The ultimate reality is that one day we will end up together, living with each other as happy as ever or we’ll end up oceans apart wondering what it could have been like; if things had ended up differently had we took that risk into the unknown.

I don’t want to wake up one day knowing that you chose a different path to me. I don’t want to think about how I couldn’t make you happy enough to stay with me through every obstacle. I don’t want to not share every detail of my life with you. This time I won’t be blind in love and I’ll keep my eyes open and hope for the best and if I can’t make you the happiest you can be then I will smile knowing you are happy when you find what will and cry when I’m alone. We can keep rolling the dice, but this time it's my heart that is our sacrifice.

It will be the hardest thing I’ll ever do, and it will be for your happiness and not my own. I love you.

Author's Note

A small insight to what a long distance relationship can be like. They're hard, they make you cry, laugh, jealous, angry and possibly a little insane... but if you can make it work, cherish every moment because it's twice as special.