Yours No Longer

This is to a dear friend of mine whose father ruled over every aspect of his life, and now he longer controls it

You bullied me for being weak,

You gave me pain I didn't seek,

Everyday you made me cry,

Everyone always asked me why,

I sat there, asking what I had done wrong,

I continued to cry all night long,

You tried to rule me with your deep moan, 

 

Many years have passed, and oh how I've grown,

The chains are broken father, your power is now lore,

This is the last time you see your servant, he is yours no more

Author's Note

This is my first of many poems, please review, I am very open to criticism, and critiques.

Reviews

[songstress]

I can't really say much because I am at a loss for words. It starts soft and then the edges become sharper and sharper. I read your tags, and that shadowy cloying thing digs deeper, then I scan quickly to your little plot synopsis, beneath the title and it digs deeper, and my stomach sinks at the line "your servant no more..." happy you are free now. But, a bit sad to see there are not anymore pieces in your account. I recollect reading this piece the first time it came out, and to be honest it was as haunting and brilliantly brave a tale I've read back then as now. I'm sorry I never reviewed truly I am. You are brave and strong and it shows with the emotional build. After all, when I read it a second time I see a brave soldier building up his fortitude, yet there remains a vulnerability. A green meadow beyond the gray stone walls, and it has beauty. I hope you will continue to write. In contrast, the only thing I would try to improve upon is adding more sensory language or adjectives. When I read, "You tried to rule me with your deep moan [and] The chains are broken father, your power is now lore," It created a bigger impact because I could visualize what tried to rule you, and how it felt to be ruled by him. By lacing more language through out the poems impact will be greater visually wise. Other than that, I think you should continue with your use of rhyme you have a good fluidity and sincerity to it. Please keep writing Vince.