I

I want to make a film.
i want to do short updates on youtube detailing the process.
but can't make a single one without feeling like a f*****g emo.
i also can't afford a camera
or think of an entire, gapless, hole infested plot,
and therin lies my problem.

i want to write a novel.
but my lack of human social experience,
means i can't write people
i can't write REAL people, without being cliche'
and therin lies my problem.

i can't decide what to do in uni.
do i do the joint honors and be unfocussed?
do i do eng lit first and film second, thus being 30 when i leave uni?
do i do film first, and forget it after four subsequent years of english?, and yes, still be 30 when i leave.
do i do just one and forget all about writing or making films?
are my hopes too high that i'll ever do either.
i can't write,
i can't film,
i can't get out of my passionless rut,
and therin lies my problem.

i'm scared that i've written more in this entry than i have of my "novel"
i'm scared to self-finace a flop project
i'm scared i'll die with nothing to leave behind
i'm scared that i'm still unsure about my sexuality,
i'm scared i won't be taken seriously because i'm ugly, gay, welsh and my 14 year old brother has a deeper voice than i do.
i'm lazy
i'm non-commital
i'm unsure
and therin lies my problem.