5 Love will tear us apart, again

The ice cream melts on my bedside table as I lay on my back, staring at the faint outline of my ceiling and the one, single glow in the dark star Mia left behind when she moved down the hall that remains.
I didn't really go into the kitchen for ice cream,that was just the faster lie I could think of.
I Wanted to wander, and take in the storm to a soundtrack of Brand New, but now that has been ruined I lay sleeplessly awake.
A familiar creek sounds from the hallway outside my bedroom, probably Mia     or maybe Hayden on the way to the bathroom.
I close my eyes and try to force sleep.
The door to my room opens.
I lay very still, pretending to be asleep, I don't feel like talking.
I hear her shuffle into the room.

I finally decide I've had enough when Mia knocks something over.
I know what's happened before I even click on my torch and ready to take out all my anger on her as I spring up out of my mountain of covers.
but it is not Mia.
"d****t"
I think I love the way he swears.

He freezes like a prison escapee  in the beam of my torch, so shocked I'm almost breathing hard, I forget to be mad.
for a moment we both just stare at each other with startled eyes.
"I thought you were asleep" he says not looking at me as he unfreezes and (rather pathetically) tries to clean up my smashed teapot.
"weren't you listening? I'm always awake" I say falling back into my nest of covers, my anger now dissolved.
"ha" he laughs hollowly
"just leave it" I sigh.
   he abandons his attempt at repairing the damage "aren't you going to ask me why I'm in your room?"
"nah, I've learned that when weird things happen it's best to just roll with it"
"do a lot of weird things happen to you?" he says standing up and turning to the book case.
"no, but I've seen enough movies. Also you should know I'm armed with pepper spray.
and possibly a kitchen knife if I can shove past you into the hall way"
he just chuckles.
"I am here, because your sister talks about other boys in her sleep, and takes up all the bed."
"yeah, now you know my pain, I had to share a bed with her for, like five years when we were kids."
again with the chuckle as he examines my record collection, leaving the silence hanging heavy in the air between us.
"but that still doesn't explain why you're in my room"
I close my eyes, suddenly tired, I click off the torch.

"I'm in your room, because I wander when I can't sleep, and there is a storm outside" he says distractedly.
I want to open my eyes, I want to know what has him distracted.
but I keep my eyes tightly closed.
"wander somewhere else" I say-maybe a bit unpleasantly.
"No" I open my eyes.
but I can't see anything in darkness.
when his voice comes again it's much closer, at the foot of my bed.
I imagine him sitting down, talking through the storm and become sleepier.
"Are you mad at me?" he gives the darkness a voice.

"No"
it is the truth.
I am not mad at him, I'm mad at myself for feeling something toward him.
it makes everything so complicated, I can't wade my way through my own thoughts with him in the room.
his voice comes from directly over me this time
just a whisper.
  I imagine his callused hands reaching down to touch my face but his words are more like a slap.
"why do you shut the world out?"

I want to answer.
say something, anything.
 but I can't.
How do I tell you that by being happy
you've gone somewhere I can't follow?
how can I be so selfish as to say something like that?
How am I supposed to explain how much i want something i cant have?
How being around me while I fall in and out of the sadness and my own thoughts will be nothing but destructive?

silence hangs in the air so long, I start to wonder if I imagined the whole conversation.
I wonder If he's left.
I sink further into sleep.

His footsteps out the door are his only farewell.