3 People things

Now I watch people mingle and I feel out of place.
then I watch Hayden laugh and mingle and be all friendly, with his friends, and I feel like another species. 
 I turn away, I wish I could say I am just jealous, which I am.
but the horrible truth is I'm mad he is happy, and belonging.
I thought he was like me.
the truth, is that I feel betrayed.
and that makes me a horrible human being.

clam down.
breath.

"Fleur?"
God is a dirt bag.
I decide, because it feels like he's laughing at me.

because no one actually calls me Fleur. no one else. I guess I should say.
I turn.
Hayden smiles unknowingly-but I notice it looks a bit....forced.
I wanted to avoid this.

"I liked you're playing"  I blurt, just to be the first to say something,
and feel instantly nervous.
I don't know if it is strictly a lie or not.
"it was awful, Mark and Adam both bailed, so it was just me up there making a f*****g fool of myself"'
the novelty of hearing someone swear in a small town church is not lost on me.
and I think again about how Hayden is not like anyone, from here. not like anyone I've ever met before.
His smile has turn self depreciating, and I suddenly realize that he was embarrassed, and shy, playing earlier.
"no, no I thought It added a much needed infusion of folk to the worship" this isn't really true, but that smile makes me want to make him believe it.

"I was going to come over here and make small talk but d****t Fleur I can't. I just have to say it." Penny in the air.
    "Have you been avoiding me, did I do something?" I like that he doesn't sugar coat it.
but that also means I will have to lie.
"No it's just....that I've been really busy with school"
"you're home schooled" he's not smiling anymore.
I don't say anything.
I don't want to look at him.
 how do you f*****g say that your afraid to have something good, that you fight yourself in the middle of the night about whether or not you'll f**k that something good up.
"Fleur" his voice is hard but his eyes are hurt.
I've hurt him.
"because I never laugh at the right time!" I just stare, horrified.
he just stares confused.
I consider the possibility of ordering a hit on myself.

"Oohh you're talking to someone real!" Mia waltz over to us.
Armed with double Ds, Blonde hair, confidence, bubbly personality and a easy smile, Mia is everything I am not.
The Mufsa to my Scar.
she quickly takes in the situation she's just stumbled upon. 
Now.
Mia is not a stupid little blond girl, her eyes are quizzical and then understanding as they quickly dart between us.
but she is the kind of girl that acts stupid because they think it's attractive.
So upon deciding on the course of action that normally gets her want she wants, she pastes on a big smile, puffs out her chest and seems to impossibly make her eyelashes grow as she bats like them feathers at Hayden.
any other time I'd be internally pleased with his lack of interest. but now is not that time.
I give Mia a look that screams HELP ME. so load it could deafen people in space.
   "Oh. my. god Florence. I totally forgot, I left cookies in the oven!" she says trowing her hands up in pretend horror
 that no one believes.
but no one questions her. "we have to go NOW" she says too loudly as she ushers me out the door.
this is why I always park myself next to the nearest exit.
I hear a collective whine as Mia's friends and admirers say a quick goodbye.
Mia is a nice person, she is loved.
she will be missed when she is gone.
one day I'll just be--well gone, good thing I don't believe in heaven because it would be a real bummer.

I can feel Hayden glaring at me, all the way, as Mia ridiculously hauls me to the car. she climbs in the drivers seat, as I  do the same on the other side.
while I pretend to talk to her, I don't look at him.
not until I'm safely buckled in and we're reversing out of the parking lot.

do I look back.
he stares after us, I can't tell what his face is doing, I can't tell what he's thinking and I hate it. I can't tell what he's feeling. and I hate it, I know I've hurt him and I hate it.
I don't know what he wants, and I don't have anything to give him, and I hate it.
I watch him go back inside, and I hate it.


the car is quiet for a long time before Mia puts on her cherry red shades and finally says "you owe me BIG time" never taking her eyes off the roadbedand nothing else.