9 The nurse was right, there was no way out

It's small, being the only thing I could afford after paying This girl.
but the lighting in our hotel room is almost raw and rigid in a way I love.
She's behind me now as I canvas the room for the best angles, I can feel her eyes on me as I do the dance of photographers.
Apparently not convinced I'm not secretly an ax murder with a camera and a thing for young girls with colored hair.
"So whats your name?" I say not looking at her like I want to but taking a test shot and faking casualty. 
"Nothing, lets keep names out of this"
"Then how am I supposed to call you?"
"I'm sure you'll think of something"
I stop and look at her,
and find her staring at the queen bed.
I meet her gaze and she raises an eye brow
wha-what does that mean?
"Sorry it's all they had open that I could afford---I'll sleep on the floor" I hurry with the second half because the smile that spreads over her face makes me squirm and twitch on the inside.
I go back to pretend test shots.
If I just focus on things I know- like my camera. things I feel safe with and know how to handle instead of this. this will turn out okay maybe I'll think of just the right thing to ask her.
little soft arms wrap around my waist. and if it wasn't for my wrist strap I'd have dropped my camera fatally.
she presses her head into my back rubbing the fabric on my skin and I can feel her breath me in,
then slowly as if I am not frozen before her, her arms drop and she moves to face me.
I'm taller then her by at least five inches but I barely feel like I am looking down to meet her eyes.
I feel so small standing before her.
with steady eyes and
lips parted slightly like a few whispered words might escape she stands--so close to me.
And I Imagine her saying my name.
Imagine that she remembers and holds it as dearly as I do.
That maybe she missed me as much as I missed did her.

But she doesn't
Instead she snakes her arms around my neck pulling me toward her and just as dizzilingly stands up on her toes to meet me half way.

her lips are so warm   is it from the summer night humidity         or have I just missed human contact so much that everything. everywhere she touches me feels like a fire.

I'd closed my eyes in the shock of the moment but as I slowly start to get my head together I open them.

we're still kissing.
and her eyes are open.
I pull away fast, looking down at the floor.
the room is quiet around us.
and the fire on my lips still blazes with the memory of that kiss.
"Why do you look like that?" I choke out. I can't look at her
"what do you mean? I thought that's what you wanted!"
what I wanted.
I turn and escape into the bathroom,
Closing the door behind me and sitting on the cool edge of the tub.
I almost don't notice how good the lighting is in there flickering low yellow of a dying light blub,
warm or cold depending on how you looked at the darkness of the barley lit small space .

 What I wanted.
it is
isn't it? at least a little bit.
But I can not forget the look in her eyes.
 without thinking I turn on the water.
what I wanted
 Instantly it starts to fill up. I set my camera next to the tub and get in.
still fully dressed.
why?
because it fells like the thing to do.

with the hot water turned all the way off
The water is freezing.
good.
I want that
I need that.
 It makes it hard to think of anything but the cold, blocking that question that isn't a question out of my mind.
What I wanted.
what do you want Keiden. 

I wonder what it would be like.
to just sink into the cold, to feel my lips turn purple, my skin prickle with the hot cold that makes you wonder if you're not really burning.
to feel the in heat in the core of my being go and and let the water cascade over my mouth,
my nose. my eyes and ears.
all my senses going numb with the frigged cold.
So I do.
I close my eyes and disappear.

It's near the end      I didn't know that then
but this a memory .
I remember being huddled under the cover of a big oak with you.
  knowing almost nothing about you but still having you pressed next to me.
because you said "it's cold"  and it seemed like the perfect solution .
my arms around you.
I remember looking down at you and asking the question before thinking it through.
before deciding I wanted the answer.
"Why are you doing this?"
I didn't have to say anything else, you already know the way everyone treated me and how different and alien this was for me.
"Because you remind me of me at my worst " 

again I answered when I knew I should take time to filter my words,
to decide if I wanted the answer more then I was scared of what it would be.
"then Is this you're best?"
"yes"
then I started to wonder about you're worst .

The water shuts off and I feel it rise around me.
me sinking deeper into it.
something scrapes against my thigh and out of reflex more then choice or the screaming of my lungs demanding air I pull my head out of the water.
reflexively gulping air and blinking  water out of my lashes like window whippers.
breathing heavily I look across from me.
and there she is.
laying in the tub with me, her gaze unwavering.
numb and blank in expression,
her eyes bore into me.
"You were under there for a long time." she states coldly.
I sigh and lean my head back, confused and tired in a way I haven't been in four years, two hundred and three days--two hundred and four since it's past midnight I guess.
 I disappear inside myself
and hear my voice say
"not long enough"