8 Oh calamity my old friend

That is when I see her.
she walks back into my world just like one of those perfect little scenarios I imagine in my head   often at my loneliest times.
just magically appearing before me,
going about her life like a normal everyday walk for her        but not for me
I've found her.
4 years 203 days 4 years 203 days4 years 203 days 4 years 203 days 4 years 203 days    
  My heart more then stops, it dies right there in my chest watching her across the street.
   I've imagined this one million and one times.
now it's here, and she is RIGHT THERE.
It's hard to believe she's real, that I'm not just imagining her.
She swings around a lamp post and she laughs in the pale yellowish light.
(My favorite color because of the way it casts shadows differently then normal light and makes everything look a little old timey because through time lamps still give the same color to the night as they always have.)
She throws her red hair back and laughs at the sky, exploding through the silence.
  How like her.
I am so happy.

I dig in my bag for my best camera.
then change my mind and pull out my Polaroid instead I need to hold this picture in my hands now.
I need to hold her in my hands now.

But when I bring the camera to eye level.
she is  gone
no she is there.
But she is also gone.
gone is the smile and the dancing.
Gone is the care free laughter--but then I realize it wasn't care free at all---it wasn't even happy.
It was the kind of bitter laughter of someone breaking down and cursing the world for pushing them this far and still not being happy.
cursing the world for staying and whispering to jump over the edge it has carved out for you.

Terrible
and it makes my heart want to die.

But it is still the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
And I take more pictures then I should,
switching cameras twice.

I run out of space on one.
catching her every breath and tiniest moment.
I'm almost out of film on another now.
Finished I look at the Fresh inked photos.
spreading them in my palms.

she is crying over there.
I should go.
I should   
I should help her somehow.
But I'm-
I'm-
Not-
I'm not sure---
Not sure that it is really her over there anymore.

how did the Brinnley I knew know turn in to this?
how could this have possibly happened.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?!?"
I freeze.
I am frozen.
"This isn't some show!"
I look up very very slowly.
and by the time I see her she is right in front of me.
Fast and angry she rips the photos from my hands.
some tare.
some fall to the ground.
there is a larger pile then I thought,
I toke much more photos then I realized.
and these are only the instant ones.
she has one in her hand
"You're sick.
you are sick!
This is personal.
What the f**k is wrong with you!!"
Everything.
everything is wrong with me.
everything is wrong.
I want to cry like she did.
I will never recover from this,
the world has killed me.
it has been killing me slowly for years now I guess.

"DON'T YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY!?!"
no.
I don't.
she turns to leave
"Trow these away and if I EVER see you again I'll call the cops"
No.
No.
No.
No.

I reach out without meaning thinking.
"I need to photograph you"
now she is frozen.
turned away from me frigid with my hand on her arm.
"what" she say slowly.
"you are so beautiful I couldn't control myself.
I'm sorry"
and it is the truth.
she turns back and spites on my shoes.
"What is that some sort of pick up line?"
she smiles wickedly eyes like knives.
I just stand there.
I don't know what my face is doing. what my eyes tell her.
but whatever it is she softens.
"You're serious"
I just nod.
"Please"
I let go of her arm and she rubs the red spot my hand left.
"fine, if they mean that much to you.
keep them."
she starts to turn again.
"no!"
she turns back.
"I need....."
god her face.
her expression,
somewhere between sadness and longing.
with a thousand pieces of other emotions.
What are you longing for?
Even if she isn't Brinnley.
She is beautiful.
just like Brinnley.
but with a sad---almost washed out quality Brinn was lucky enough not to have.
"I need more then that."
she gives me the most doubtful look.
it's almost shy.
"what do you-"
" just a few days maybe?
could you model for me?
I'd pay you anything you want."
I trip over my words begging.
 All deeper emotion disappears and her smile sudden sharpened says: got you now.
"Oh so you're that  kind of guy"
what?
"Sorry I'm not in the mood.
not tonight,  maybe another time"
again she turns away.
"just please!---don't go.
don't leave me with this little pile of the most beautiful thing I've ever seen" I say desperately.
Finally she stops.
finally she looks me in the eyes.
and weather she is Brinn or not.
she looks at me now in just the same way.
"you had better be willing to pay up front, and a lot."
I nod.
I would give her anything and everything.
"Then yours, but only for the weekend, deal?"
I nod, "deal"