4 No turning back

4:50 am.
4 years, 202 days
My alarm is screaming at me.
I wish I could be one of the clever people you see in films or on telly.
the ones smart enough to put their alarms right next to them so they can reach over press the snooze button after convincing themselves that whatever they set their alarm to an ungodly hour to is not important after all
and fall back silent into darkness.
Why can't I be that smart?
  I untangle myself from my sheets, about to shut off the alarm.
but I don't.
instead I just lie there, not quite awake but not asleep.
Why am I doing this?
  why would I start a day hours earlier?
so I could live more of it's hell?
why is today special?
I should get up, I should shut off the alarm.
its so loud now.
why can it not stop itself?
why can I not get up and stop it?
why should I?
My eye lashes are filling with tears on the brim of spilling over now
with the promise that It won't be long until I am
hyperventilating.
Because I'm stuck. 
and because I can not get up to stop the alarm.
because it just keeps screaming at me.
it sounds so hateful.
why does it hate me?
stupid question I hate myself.
 so why not the alarm?
I want to throw something at it, I want to hear it crash and burn in a little pile on the floor,
But I can't make myself do it.
it's 4:57 now.
I know I won't be able to fall back asleep with it screaming at me like this.
stop it.
just stop it.
I plead.
It doesn't.
so I think I'll just lie here.
what if I just lie here forever?
would anyone miss me?
   maybe they'd be bothered I up and quit life but 'miss' is a very strong word.
especially when it comes to me.
Yeah I think I'll just lie here.
maybe forever.
maybe just until another mood hits me, and I feel like doing something else pathetic.
Sorry Brinn.
 
She is probably waiting for me.
it is cold outside.
she is probably cold.
waiting for me.
I think about by the fire, when I came so close to embarrassing her.
I want to go back there and do it for real.
sorry Brinnley .
she will probably never talk to me again.
I don't blame her.
I would not talk to me.
  I hope she doesn't live too far away.
I hope she doesn't get run over in the dark light of morning walking home or waiting for me.
I wonder how long she has been waiting.
how long she'll wait.
I'm so sorry Brinn.
so sorry.

I'm a terrible person.
why did I agree to meet you? I should somehow have known this would happen.
why would I agree to meet you?

Well because you were smiling at me, in a weird way no one has ever smiled around or at me.
 because when you dance I want to freeze the moment and just let you hang mid air.
Because I wanted that walk to last forever.
Because you move like no one I've ever seen,
because I could spend forever talking to you, even if  I did not understand what you were saying I think I could just spend my life watching your face light up and spark like a wild fire.
Because I don't know weather I want to talk or just stand in silence taking you in.
  Because I never want to talk to anyone.
and they never want to talk to me.
Because you make me feel so helpless and empowered at the same time.
Because you make me think about things I've never thought about before. and I think a lot.
because you're the only person I've ever wanted to know me
Because I feel like I never want to see you sad.
but I'm making you sad right now Brinnley.
   I will not make you sad.

pulling myself out of my warm comforting bed feels like ripping stitches that snake over every inch of my body.

The Alarm finally stops when I press the off button.
I passed out in my clothes right after getting home so all I have to do is make it outside without waking up my foster parents.
 I grab my jacket from the hall and then I'm out the door and on to the porch.
Unnoticed.
If I disappeared just like this--but forever they wouldn't notice.

stop it,
its not their fault.
they are sleeping for Christ sake.

I shoulder into the cold and try to press thoughts like these out of my head.
I don't want them mulling around when I am with Brinn.
from there I get on the side walk.

 no cars pass me and the night stays dark.
maybe I should have gotten a flash light.
maybe I should go back.
  No.
no turning back.