3 In that night alive with signs and stars

5 years 201 days ago and counting.

I don't really know how or when it happened we were walking away from the party and now we are here.
she still has my hand.
and we are walking.

this is not a normal Friday night at another normal Friday night party to pass the time.
she has already changed my world

nothing like this has ever happened to me.
I don't know what to say or do.
We talked the whole walk.
That was nice.
talking with her was easy,
even though this is only our first day together.
  She listens and talks back to me with a smile, big dark eyes and the most vibrant facial expressions I've ever seen.

And she dances,
Almost unconsciously, like its just automatic for her.
little turns.
a leap once or twice.
tip toeing when we reach a high in the conversion.
like she can't contain herself, and her words flood into her body.

Its strange and wonderful.

On the walk I find out she used to dance five days a week.
tap and ballet in her younger years, doing scuffles and piles and learning what she showed me to be first position/second/third/forth/fifth and six, then progressing to Ballet,
contemporary, Pre-Pointe then Pointe and even a few tumbling classes.
I also find out that I love her voice.
When I ask why she stopped doing something she clearly loved so much she fades quiet.

I over stepped, that is clear, I'm always doing that.
why do I always do that?

 I can not figure out why she is being so nice to me.
"Keiden? still in there?" she smiles.
I like her smile, its friendly and open showing not so prefect but still white teeth.
Her front beaver tooth is chipped,
Like she had a bad fall when she was younger maybe?
"Keiden?" she looks up at me now.
"Oh sorry. I'm here."
"Good" she smiles again.
and I think about how closed off she looked by the fire in her own world
she is letting me into that world
  I should say something, I know she wants me to say something.
I don't want to disappoint her.
"I've never met anyone like you"
it's not what I meant to say, but it's the truth.
she laughs and it doesn't sound entirely real to my ears.
"you can't have met many people then"
I take her hand this time and start walking.
she has changed me so much in these hours.
"I met plenty of people, but they have not met me"
I don't look at her when I say this.
and she is quiet, not giving me anything.
I've fucked things up again.
"that's not a bad thing, sometimes you have to save all the best parts of yourself,
instead of giving them away freely--otherwise what are you left with?"
she says. and I wonder how the universe came together to make someone so entirely perfect.
"it is lonely though"
I say.
she pulls on my hand and I finally look at her.
"it doesn't have to be"

god I want to kiss her.

"do you ah--want to come inside?"
we are at my house now.
if we are just walking home then it must be over.
she's looking at me like its over.
her smile falls a bit, showing less teeth now.
its sad I realize.

she's sad, I've disappointed her somehow.
"I wish I could but I'm already really late"
"for what?"
now she isn't smiling at all.
"My dad just likes me to be home on time" is all she says.
Oh,
I wonder if shes lying to get away from me.
I hope not.
I'd really like someone to talk to.
I wonder if she has someone she loves waiting for her when she gets home,
what would that be like?
"Listen Keiden-"
Here we go.
I am used to this.
"you don't have to---I mean--I didn't mean to" s**t I'm just tumbling over my words now.

"Wait no I was just going to say.....I can't right now, but you know the big hill on the road we walked by?"
I nod
where is she going with this.
"you want to meet me there--around like five this morning?"
I am so confused.
"that's really early"
"its the only time that I can"
come on Keiden.
"then I'll be there." now I smile.
even if I don't know why.
She smiles back, and it's the biggest I've seen yet.
I cannot believe it, I made her happy.
"bye then"
She says running off like she has all the energy in the world.
"Bye Brinn" I shout,
just before I see her jump a fence and disappear from view,
I wonder whose fence that is.
I wonder if she cares.
and I wonder if this is even real.