2 Here there be monsters

5 years 200 days ago and counting.
-I am barely 16 now.-

this is what they mean when they say eyes like knives
there is a girl, in the darkest corner of the room.
she is looking at me like the slaughter house and I am the lamb.
I've moved several times but those hungry demanding eyes follow me, and it's doing something crazy to my heart because I feel like a jack rabbit caught in the cross hairs.
I'm going to leave,
I don't feel like games tonight.
But I don't leave, I stay stuck to wall and I finally meet her eyes through the crowd.
and then it's all over, this is what her animal eyes were waiting for.
and she pounces.
there is no time for me to get away even if I want to before she weaves through the crowd like smoke, and is by my side.
she smiles and it feels like a baited trap I wouldn't mind loosing a limp to.
her animal eyes look up at me from under heavy bangs and says something
but it is lost in the constant roar of music.
I shake my head and try to say I can't hear her and she takes my hand.
the first thing I think is that no one takes my hand anymore, not the social workers or foster parents or anyone else.
I've forgotten what it felt like.
my second thought is that I never want to stop holding her hand.

all too quickly we are outside, the music still reaches us out here but it's not so suffocating.
she still has my hand as we walk through the yard
over crashed cups and even a few unconscious people.
to the edge of the yard.
she doesn't stop or slow down and into the woods we go.

it's utterly quiet inside.
no music or the hum of bodies reaches us here.
I think that it feels like we've entirely left the safety of people and the normal world they inhabit,
like anything could happen here.
but not everything good.
it is so easy to imagine monsters here.
my night terrors between the trees, watching me.
she gives my hand a little squeeze that brings me back to myself.
and suddenly I'm not imagining watchful yellow eyes and sharp hungry teeth,
instead images of me pulling her close to me, her breath out and me breathing in--
she lets go of my hand
and with one final look over her shoulder and a raised eyebrow she departs into the darkness,
Follow me
I take the bait.
Never in my life have I wanted something more then I want to feel the touch of her hand right now.

I stumble after her through the darkness and for a moment I think I've lost her.
for a moment I think that she is too perfect to be real that maybe she was just some fevered dream.
then I hear the scream and my blood runs could

here there be monsters.
I take off running toward the sound.

my heart is beating like a drum in my ears
without her hand the monster are back they reach for me as I race,
laughing and calling out that there is nothing to keep them from me now.

Against my screaming body I run harder, and I don't know if I'm running from them, or to her

but somehow I mange to hear it when it comes again.
laughter
slowing I realize, it was laughter
and I am close.
through the trees I follow, stumbling after the sound.
the scene in the woods is less sinister but I'm still weary.
The creeping orange red light of a bonfire slowly comes my into view, harsh against the darkness of the woods.
at first I don't see her, there are other people here, laughing and being loud in the way young people in a world entirely their own are.
then I do, she's standing in front of the fire, flames flicker across her face and light up her eyes.
she is not laughing or being loud like the others but it's clear to see she has disappeared into her own world also.
the way she looks right now reminds me of nights I couldn't sleep with the light off and every song I've ever heard about heaven, it seems so familiar and yet also terribly foreign.

 so private and raw I almost don't want to intrude,
then I think that maybe I already have, maybe she meant to lose me in the woods.
but she smiles when she sees me, it brings life and light back into a face that was so closed off before.
 it gives me the extra push I needed to approach her.

we stand slightly apart for a while, she drinks something in a red plastic cup and watches the other people escaping the cold by standing around the fire with a small smile on her red/pink lips.
some roast marshmallows, others sit on the ground nestled in blankets or lovers arms.
she doesn't say anything for a while,
just slips a cold hand into mine,
I wonder if the rest of her is cold, the rest of me is
I imagine putting my arms around her little body so clearly it's like I really did, but I catch the look on her face and it stops me
in that moment she looks both infinitely amused and infinitely sad at the world around her,
and I wonder how that could be, and how she came to see the world like that.

it's the look of someone who has never been truly sad,
or of someone who has only ever been sad,
but which one is the girl beside me?
it's impossible for me to tell.

 then our silence in broken and we are part of the world again.
the pipe they've been passing around has come to her.
and she takes a long drag before exhaling in a show of smoke rings.
she turns to look at me, and even though I know people are laughing and talking and making out all around us.
I cannot hear any of it, she smiles and offers me the pipe.
and its like she just knows this is my first time.
never have I smoked, or drank or inhaled or snorted or whatever the hell else.
I have seen people destroyed by these things,
either intentionally or accidentally.
but I have always found my mind to be the sharpest weapon.
the things that bring others pleasure are the things that I use to bring pain.
sometime ago I made a pact with myself that I would never take anything
unless I wanted to be destroyed totally.
once and for all.

I do not want that right now.
but damn, if I would not mind being destroyed by this girl and her sad animal eyes.
I take the pipe,
bring it up to my mouth and I think
this just touched her lips.
and when I inhale I think
this is as good as kissing.

then I cough and hand the pipe to the next person, someone pats me on the back and says something about popping my cherry.
But I don't care, because she is looking at me like I've passed some sort of test.
then she kisses me.
and I think
no pipe, no drug
could ever compare to this.