Free Like A Bird

And I let him go

I wish I never knew you as a person and a friend; associates that were well acquainted, nor do I wish I had saw you, I actually wish I never came to this sad, sad school because then I would have never met you or known of you. I remember those sweet memories you left me with, memories that will always haunt me till the day I could find someone of greater or equal power to you, until someone could compare to you in every way possible if that is even possible now. These memories play on constant repeat that begin to tear myself apart just to erase you only to comeback every time to know of you. Sadly, I still remember when you and I would talk in class as if our conversations together were the only meaningful thing in class. I remember how you would stare at me as if I was an angel in disguise, but you could see past it all. I remember when you would joke with me so casually as if I was the only one who knew you out of the rest of school students excluding your friends. My fondest memory is that of ninth grade when I sat at a table which had faced towards the window and to the outside world, I saw your brother passing by and behind him was you, you walked past the window I saw you and looked back to the work on the desk in front of me and I didn't notice at first but then I looked up to see you looking at me, out of shyness I looked back down and then back at you with a smile and held eyes with you as you too began to smile because I had smiled. You also sat in front of me once and many times before as well as after, but this time as we were watching a film in history class on the Muslim religion, as I tried to watch the film from the corner of my eye I saw as you stared at me and I looked to you and you just smiled and so then I smiled and faced the film again holding my smile upon my face and you did the same.Or in tenth grade history when you would talk in your shaggy voice and I would laugh and you would look, smile, and laugh even more because I was laughing. Yet there are the memories that are of you bringing me pain that just over power the good.  I say I am over you, but am I really? I ask myself this question every time I begin to think about you or our friendship that died and faded away like a sunset.  I saw as you just tossed me away into the trash as if all I was, was just a piece of garbage or extra dead weight. You do not look at me with a simple smile anymore. You do not look at me at all or at least you try not to. You do not make me laugh with your stupidity. Nor do you just talk to me as if all is alright, you stay clear away like I am a deteriorating cat. You left me in the dark with only tears  and a faint light in the distance. I crawled my way out yet I find myself still stuck every day. Thank you so much. I am trying, yet I still find myself struggling. I must keep from crying, keep from sobbing, keep from dying. I am trying and that is good, that is okay. Thank you because I hate you and I hate myself. Thanks for helping me ruin myself.

 This is the story about how I fell for a guy who made the world seem as if I was in a dream floating on nothing but clouds made of cotton candy. But then he turned that very same dream into a nightmare full of darkness and a faded light in the distance for nothing, but mockery of me so that I could still believe and be led on continuously; possibly without his knowledge which I highly doubt. To be honest I do not hate him I am actually thankful for him, he helped me to know my strengths and know I am capable of forgetting, but the saddest truth is this

“Something’s are worth forgetting about, it is just the never knowing who you were and what I fell in love with is what I’m scared of. But I know that I will never truly forget. It will seem like it but just know deep down I still remember. Besides as long as one of us is remembered by the other that is all that matters. Because somethings are worth forgetting about. Somethings are worth forgetting. Some People are worth forgetting.” - Me

            Like I had said previously in the first paragraph I do wish I did not meet him, but if I did not get the chance to meet him all those years ago I probably would have not become a little more of a pessimistic when it comes to situations like this. I am happy to be more of a pessimistic because I don’t just throw my feelings at the guys I admire. Now I am actually a hot mess, let me explain.

            “[You see I look at it like] how can guys just keep their composure when around her, because me personally I lose my stuff and I become shaky as if I am a roller coaster every time the cart takes off. I become weak in my knees and can’t stand. I begin to lose my breath gradually that I feel as if I am about to pass out and die or like you are sucking the life out of me like a dementor and I’m just you know in your charisma or whatever it is. And, and I get butterflies really, really badly that I feel as if I am on the roller coaster that shakes every time you or I ride by on it and I truly do love this feeling I get but I hate it. I hate how a guy can make me feel this way if I like them, and you, you can see all these symptoms because I cannot hide these feelings no matter how hard I try to make it go away. And yet there you are as cool as the summer nights breeze, just chill and not making a complete mess of yourself. So, I ask again how do you keep your composure when I'm over here being a complete mess and spazzing out like a nube/ limp noodle with no control or composure what so ever? Please tell me I just want to stop looking like a dumbnut in front of you. Thanks.” -me. I remember when I told him about my feelings in person and I was a limp noodle and he looked at me and said, “I know you are scared.” And that just made me a little more scared but at the end I got a hug but not him. I learned to move on and forget, but the truth is I learned to hide him from myself and cope with the reality of it all because I cannot forget him no matter what I do but so far, I have not had any dreams of him which is a start one can say. Also, he is not worth it I learned, as well as he needs me and not me him. I am the one who got away and not him, yet I'm here still believing it was him but I know it’s not. I’m almost there just not yet, I believe I need someone new to get over a love that I never had, but that’s not true ii don’t need a rebound one because I don’t and two that is wrong to use someone to get over someone else. And three the lord has a plan and that’s for certain. So that is where I am now and I am content with that, I am happy.

Author's Note

[sb5]
[sb1]Fun Fact: in 8th grade I sat behind him in history and he would turn back to talk to me and smile at me I would smile to and joke with him.
We also had advisory together in 8th grade and he would still joke around with me. Once after the college fair we had as I was walking back into the classroom he threw a pen between my legs and laughed and said a smart remark like um “Goal or nice shot.” And I gasped and looked back at him with a smile and turned around and picked the pen up and threw in between his legs and shook my head with a smile still written across my face. Also, he would look at me all the time especially at rallies he would look back at me and smile as he would talk to one of his many nerd friends
[sb2]He did it multiple times just to get the laughs but particularly mine, I was in a group with a guy from elementary school and ii sat in front of him and his elementary friend and he began to do the voice and he looked to me as I would smile and look at him. He smiled to and looked at me eyes piercing the others heart as we held each other’s heart in the other, sadly, he let mine drop to the ground and I like an idiot still held his safe from the world and corruption. I wanna cry now but I’m not, I'm not.
[sb3]He was a douche the day I wished to tell him, a douche before that time when he no longer talked to me, a douche afterwards, a douche overall just a douchety douche ya know.
[sb4]Fake tears of course aha boi you thought ii would cry for you nah humie. I'm good fam.
[sb5]Btw these sad love songs don’t help whatsoever just a heads-up loser