Brimming Hollow

An effort to unfold the true meaning of depression. Although, words by themselves cannot possibly convey such a thing.

Sadness, frustration, depression - all are words, and only words. And as with all words, they have a fixed meaning, one that does not alter and reshapes itself, one that at times, loses sight of what it actually supposed to convey.

At times, feelings cannot be described by single words, sentences, or even stories. They are vague, their characteristics unknown even to their owner, and so, one cannot possibly bring them into words.

I cannot claim to be the one to do such an impossible task, but, as with everything we do in life, I will do my best to try.

There is one feeling in particular that always seemed to sink in with me the most, one that I cannot truly grasp, cannot control, or even find its origin.

When it overtakes me, I feel as though I've been emptied, as though waking up would be a vain kind of effort. A feeling that, although drains me, in a strange sense, also fills me with this nothingness, with this hollow.

And so, although it drained me completely, my sensible mind would still act routinely.

A shell of what I was yesterday, I would get out of bed, dress, put my shoes on, and get on my work bus. There, all around me, the sun will shine brightly, the skies will remain light blue as ever, and the passengers will chatter joyfully. But in my mind's eye, the sun shines dark, the skies are grey and lifeless, and the passengers malevolent and contemptuous.

From the hollow, I would feel my heart suddenly sinking, my chest tightening, and a needle will pierce against my throat. I would surpass the urge to scream, and tear, and collapse down on the floor while holding my head. For I know that no one will sympathy with this " a disturbance to his or her joyful daily routine.

I would get down from the bus, my co-workers will ask me how I am today. Then I would give them a smile that no one could argue it to be any less than genuine, telling them that I am well. No one likes attention seekers, and no one truly wishes to know another's distress. For we all know, small talks are only a thing of formality, and hold no true purpose.

I'll continue with work, my chest will tell me that it is all futile, but my sensible mind would tell me that I'm being ridiculous, and that it will all be better by tomorrow.

And as with the morning's routine, for now, I still allow my mind to hold onto the reins.

Author's Note

I usually don't do personal notes, but i had a spark of inspiration for it. So here you go.

Please feel free to look at other writings of mine, which are mainly fantasy.

I might take this one down at some point, because I have fixed feelings about posting my own perspective on things.

Reviews

[TheAimlessWanderer]

i resonated a lot with this it really is a great thing to tell people your true perspective even if you have to shroud it with ambiguity unlike what you did here using such expressive and profound language to be brutally honest keep writing man it really is quite cathartic (:

[------]

Wow.. I really hope you don't remove this. It's incredibly raw and honest, and I relate to what you're describing. You found the words for feelings that I couldn't begin to explain. It's not always easy or pleasant getting in touch with our emotions, but it's completely necessary. I truly hope you write like this more often.

[Jennie Lynn]

If you do take it down, I'm glad I got to read it first. I can defintely relate to this. My first thought? Wow, he put it into words. I love the contrast, a brimming hollow, but that's exactly what it is. You def have a unique voice, "one cannot possibly bring them into words." is now one of my new favorite lines :)

[Dean Vaksman]

Thank you for the words =D. It's good to know that there are those that relate to this feeling, and this is mostly a tale that those who have experienced it can understand truly.