Unexpected

A Chapter by C. Haze

Chapter 1:

Unexpected

“Eight years.. What will I lose that I haven’t lost already”

.. It’s already 2 am and my eyes are wide open as if the moon is requesting my presence.. I got up and looked through the window looking for some light in the dark sky thinking whether my heart will see the light of sincere love from that one person my heart kept beating for.. I turned around to scan my room trying to make myself busy until I fell asleep. The room where I am is small and apparently I needed more organizers as it looked messier than my eyes could notice. I grabbed all the clothes laying on the floor grabbing my emotions falling down, tried to wipe the surfaces and wipe the tears in my eyes blaming my destiny and myself for not saying the words and being brave at the right time.

I sat down trying to absorb all the thoughts and confusion I felt debating my emotions and confused what words or manner I should use to let go of the burden. I grabbed my laptop, opened my Safari browser and typed His name. I kept looking deeply at his pictures wondering how intimidating and handsome he looked. “Is that why I fell for Him?” My unconsciousness and hormones kicked in.

I decided to confess to Him. I went on LinkedIn, created a new profile and searched His name. It popped up. “Damn, I can’t send a text without connecting to his network!”..

“Calm down.. Ouuuuh! Inhale and exhale.. Inhale and exhale” I pulled myself together and pressed the CONNECT button.

In the meantime, I started writing my confession letter.. It was long but I tried not to mention any incidents that will make him know who I am on the spot.. It was meant to be anonymous and He should not be able to guess my true identity.

While writing, thoughts and memories came by making me wonder and question whether my current relationship was a good decision to make. Was I unfair to my boyfriend? Was I unfair to myself? Was I unfair to Him?

I wrote and checked for grammatical mistakes as if this was an essay that my teacher will grade. I deleted, added, and edited paragraphs trying to convey my emotions the clearest way possible.

My final draft looked promising and neat.

Hey You,

This text/letter might seem sudden, anonymous, and long. Don't worry this is not a scam, I am a legit person and just created this profile to confess to you to be able to move on with my love life.

I had a crush on you for 8 years; I know it’s a long period to have a one-sided love but somehow I couldn’t manage my feelings to move on.

I was literally a bystander.. I always watched you from afar during high school and university til you left Morocco and I left somewhere else too.. However, your memory somehow kept me content with and about love; maybe because you were the first guy who caught my heart though we never had a proper conversation. Somehow, I just felt zen just by looking at your face.

My very first memory of you was the first sight or the first time I got to notice your existence; when you were walking across with your classmates following and conversing with your teacher. This is the first time I looked a guy in the eyes and felt my heart racing as if it’s going to explode and since then I couldn't take my eyes off of you. Whenever I get the opportunity to peek, I do it proudly. Whether on your yellow bike, while playing football, when in recess, or when I bump into you.

Why am I sending you this long text/letter? Well, confessing and letting go of things even if they hurt is not my strength. I couldn’t let go of your love for these last years, I think I matured enough to send this letter, to confess, and then move on to find a new love that is reciprocal- If I can live for some more years-; as simple as that. I don’t want to have regrets even between me, myself, and I.

I have been following you through social media for the past years and I want to say that I’m PROUD OF YOU of what you did and where you are now. I wish you a happy life and more success. I know you can do it! Just stay focused, believe in yourself, and you will achieve the impossible! I hope you love what you do now and you are happy doing your job.. Learn to love your profession and keep learning to excel, be open and optimistic, and there is no one way of doing things so be creative!

I want to say thank you for the memories that I have of you.. Thank you for the hope you gave me; the hope of love and of life, a hope I thought is inexistent in this real life... Thank you for the pleasure I got from looking at your innocent face.. A million thanks for making my heart move from its solid state to the airy, fluffy, and lite sensation.

I loved you, and will remember you as the guy who hooked my heart and gave me a taste of love.

Goodbye and take care of yourself!

I read my letter over and over again making sure any detail is not missed or will be misunderstood.

I opened an incognito mode on my Safari and typed LinkedIn. The login screen popped up. I started typing my email thinking of how selfish I am using an email that has the first letter of both my boyfriend’s name and my name. Interestingly I felt ashamed.. I pressed tab and entered my password and pressed login.

I am there looking at his profile belonging to my connection now.. “S**t, he really did accept my invite”.. I tapped on the messages and opened His message screen. I attached the letter entitled A letter for you and typed a note.

Hey! I received this letter from someone requesting it to be sent to you! Have a great day!

I logged off.

It’s interesting how the button “delete” is easy to press but did I really get rid of the love from my heart? I want to believe I did. I pressed it to get rid of that confession letter as if I’m trying to get rid of these emotions at once though my heart is refusing to let go.

Eating dinner and wondering about the sent button I just pressed. Yes, I finally confessed. I feel somehow relaxed afterwards.

I logged in to that linkedIn account I created to complete my mission and BOOM.. He saw the message!! He even viewed my profile!! “Damn it” I jumped from my chair and felt my heart going crazy as my mind.. I checked my heart beat in the apple watch I have on my wrist; it’s 119 BPM.. “WTF! I can’t believe my heart is racing to this extent”.. My heart keeps beating faster and faster while I’m going upstairs to finish my dinner.. My mind on the other hand went crazy thinking of thousands of possibilities that might happen; “will He respond to my message? What if He did, then what? What if He is in love with me? Should I tell my boyfriend that I had a one-sided love and I just confessed while being with you and saying I love you all the time?” all these thoughts made me feel excited and depressed, curious and pessimist, I had one hope; He will not respond and I will not go through this but what if…

I kept the login screen open and swam deep in my thoughts when I received a text from my boyfriend checking on me and ending his text with I LOVE YOU and a heart emoji.

“Am I being unhonest with him? This is a treason of his trust, feelings, and our relationship.. Should I see if He responded?” My curiosity and emotions drove me away and I logged in.. hesitant, waiting attentively for that message screen to pop up, curious to see what His reply will be..

I am disappointed, He didn’t reply though he is online.. I kept reading my feed where I followed some pages of writers.. I waited desperately.. I decided to keep my profile online and keep waiting.. I waited for 8 years, I mean waiting for another 8 minutes won’t be that long..

He responded

Hello , Thank you very much for your sincere words and expressions and I really appreciate your wishes. Even though I don't know who you are and I can't even imagine who you could be, I would like to take the chance to wish you all the best and happiness in your life . God bless you and give you what you want.

Much obliged

I laughed a laugh of victory as if I won a trophy or a big check having a lot of zeros in it..

I responded

I'm anonymous and like to stay that way. The same goes for the person who wrote the letter. I reviewed that letter myself and I think you should thank that person for the feeling she has for you since it must be tough for her all these years but thank you for taking the time to read it!

You look like a kind person!

I started to wait for that message back seeing those dots that show someone is typing impatiently

Thank you for saying that , I hope I didn't hurt the person who wrote this letter and I hope I never gave her a promise and I broke the vow .However, I am thankful for her sincere words.

Would you mind telling who this person is ?

“ Oh! He is so sweet! Should I reveal myself to him? … No, No! Don’t!” My inner consciousness reveals itself again and I think I will just follow what it says to me.

Thank you for your kind words! but I really can't reveal this person's identity I promised I won't .. But she attended the same high school as you so maybe you might take a guess from her letter who she might be.. I don't know if you had a one-sided love before but things get complicated especially if both/one part of the relationship is stubborn and don't have the courage to confess at the time! I typed.

He replied

To be honest I can't guess but it's OK I absolutely understand you. You're such a kind person and thanks a bunch one more time for letting me know. Kind regards for both of you and it was a pleasure to talk with you.

“S**t, that was intense!.. How am I a good person? Do You even feel the same? Thanks a bunch for letting Me know? What will You do now that You know? Is this really the end of it?” My mind got confused and my cells are burnt thinking of the what if. “Will you reveal yourself to Him? Can you tell the truth to your boyfriend?” I had many unanswered questions.. I responded

It was a pleasure talking to you too! Keep it up! I apologize again for not revealing that identity! Best of luck in your endeavors and love life too!

Listening to Capital letters by Hailee Steinfeld and wondering whether my decision was sane or not. I started to wonder how my desperate situation led me to do such a foolish thing. “I am mature” was just probably another lie my mind has believed.

Eight years of mourning for this love and wishing to talk to Him, confess, and maybe expect something in return ended by a thank you from his part. “Was He cold-hearted to answer that way? Wasn’t he curious at all to lead the discussion and figure out the whole thing Himself? Did I just feed His male ego and gave Him a chance to prove how handsome and popular He is?” I kept just wondering what my next step would be. Depressed and confused, all the excitement disappeared as it never was there in the first place. I think this is the end of it.. “Was it? Will it be?”

© 2020 C. Haze

Author's Note

This is a draft and will have grammar mistakes. Please let me know what do you think about the whole idea, writing style, maybe suggestions.. should I stop writing or keep up?