White

I am sugar 

I lingered on your tongue

For one second (too long) 

(But I swear your bright eyes 

 Caught white fire)

I sifted through your fingertips 

Like a dusting of snow

While you watched 

You forget about me

(As I try to forget about you)

Author's Note

I know it may need some work, but I had to get it out.

Reviews

[Augustus]

Oh Hayley! What an absolute pleasure to visit you again. There is so much charm in this poem. So beautiful. So gorgeous. You truly have an exceptional gift. And I am not saying this just for the heck of it. I really mean it.

I am sugar
I lingered on your tongue
For one second (too long)

Too short, because it was so good while it lasted. But too long, because it did not stop you from falling in love. I think even if you hadn't written more this would have been a great poem.

"Your bright eyes caught white fire"
I see surprise here. And anger as well, or resentment perhaps.

"I sifted through your fingertips"
This is so delicate. And so natural. You just move away before you even realize what's happening....

"Like a dusting of snow"
Snow is ephemeral. It never makes a permanent impression. There is pain implicit in this line I feel. Very delicate and subtle. Very feminine, as someone below has pointed out.

Perhaps there is more to it, but this in my opinion is the gist of it. It's very evocative. I'm still a little dazed by the magic of the first three lines. You are not sugar, Hayley, you are gold!

God bless you! Keep penning!

[Muse]

The idea of lingering on someones tongue for a second too long..

To be honest with you...I want to borrow that line..lol, it's just that good!

It's hard to forget someone that is just that good...they stay with you...like the sweetest aftertaste.

[joshua deathdealer]

Nice work with the feel. I like the structure as well. xx

[Ruth]

Leaves me feeling so moved! Clever work and delicately portrayed xoxo

[Tim Lion]

Simply one of the best poems I've read in a good while.
Shades of ee cummings....
Beautiful.
t

[Chris]

As I see it the world already paused here... THEY did good...

Each took away ideas and their own understandings. And you? What did you learn and what have you carried "away" with you? - as for me...

Its not the parsing of words, nor the forms of our intent - its the clarity of the echoes our thoughts inspire and the heart we have within. Hayley - I wouldn't change a thing. Well done.

Chris

[Mark D]

Really good Hayley, I've never used brackets to distance a line from another but you do this here with such great effect. Very much enjoyed this! Thank you

[Poetic Beauty]

Sugar on the tip of the tongue dissolving into nothing but a lingering reminder of what use to be. The last line is very sad

[Emily B]

this is stunning

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

Very interesting... it plays on that even too much of a good thing can be bad for you... or that even lovers need time of their own or lose one another.

[Kenneth The Poet]

Momentary images becomes lost the cavalcade of other images to come later. Beautifully expressed.