Oh Hayley! What an absolute pleasure to visit you again. There is so much charm in this poem. So beautiful. So gorgeous. You truly have an exceptional gift. And I am not saying this just for the heck of it. I really mean it.
I am sugar
I lingered on your tongue
For one second (too long)
Too short, because it was so good while it lasted. But too long, because it did not stop you from falling in love. I think even if you hadn't written more this would have been a great poem.
"Your bright eyes caught white fire"
I see surprise here. And anger as well, or resentment perhaps.
"I sifted through your fingertips"
This is so delicate. And so natural. You just move away before you even realize what's happening....
"Like a dusting of snow"
Snow is ephemeral. It never makes a permanent impression. There is pain implicit in this line I feel. Very delicate and subtle. Very feminine, as someone below has pointed out.
Perhaps there is more to it, but this in my opinion is the gist of it. It's very evocative. I'm still a little dazed by the magic of the first three lines. You are not sugar, Hayley, you are gold!
God bless you! Keep penning!
Posted 12 Years Ago
2 of 2 people found this review constructive.
Reviews
As everywhere there can be clues of a lover in things, or matters. To know, feel, remember, let in... and vice versa. A thought I have sometimes too! lovely you have discribed it.
that is such brilliant imagery! I can see eyes widening. Sorry I can't offer more, this is great. I like its quirk, you're definitely writing in new ways lately.
A different sense of emotion flowing in its own special way. Not sure about the parenthesises to be honest, maybe a little distracting but i think you want the words to appear as echoes to each individual thought.
The reference to sugar on the tongue is sensual, sweet, how very sad you felt rebuffed.
You mix and mingle such moving metaphors with a magic wand... stirring thoughts and feelings of passion's past and today's sorrows... You are so very unforgettable, my friend...
I'm a 21-year-old undergraduate college student majoring in business.
I'm not on the cafe as much as I would like to be. Don't be a stranger.
Side note: I do not rate writing.
This is eye-op.. more..