White

I am sugar 

I lingered on your tongue

For one second (too long) 

(But I swear your bright eyes 

 Caught white fire)

I sifted through your fingertips 

Like a dusting of snow

While you watched 

You forget about me

(As I try to forget about you)

Author's Note

I know it may need some work, but I had to get it out.

Reviews

[Augustus]

Oh Hayley! What an absolute pleasure to visit you again. There is so much charm in this poem. So beautiful. So gorgeous. You truly have an exceptional gift. And I am not saying this just for the heck of it. I really mean it.

I am sugar
I lingered on your tongue
For one second (too long)

Too short, because it was so good while it lasted. But too long, because it did not stop you from falling in love. I think even if you hadn't written more this would have been a great poem.

"Your bright eyes caught white fire"
I see surprise here. And anger as well, or resentment perhaps.

"I sifted through your fingertips"
This is so delicate. And so natural. You just move away before you even realize what's happening....

"Like a dusting of snow"
Snow is ephemeral. It never makes a permanent impression. There is pain implicit in this line I feel. Very delicate and subtle. Very feminine, as someone below has pointed out.

Perhaps there is more to it, but this in my opinion is the gist of it. It's very evocative. I'm still a little dazed by the magic of the first three lines. You are not sugar, Hayley, you are gold!

God bless you! Keep penning!

[Tai Ryens]

Every line here was cleverly put together, I like the structure as well. The details and metaphors you state paint such lovely imaged in my imagination, and the ending seemed to echo in my head long after I have finished reading it. Great job!

[Abdul Aziz]

I just HAD to come back to read this. This is phenomenal. I could quote each line a thousand times, but I somehow get this feeling that neither of us has the time to read ten thousand lines :D But seriously, this is an amazing poem!

[Octob3r Star]

Cool relation : )

[Chris]

Another visit... and still the same thoughts...

[Nautili]

i like the brackets, but am an EE. Cummings fan, and use them myself from time to time.I really like your style. The brackets in the first stanza change the meaning from one second too long, to even one second being too long...obviously there was a boundary that was not totally comfortable, perhaps a girlfriend behind the scenes.
This poem is kind of sad- sugar melts on the tongue, as does snow on fingertips, so it has this feeling of potential that never was fully explored. I love the last line, where you admit it is harder for you to forget....

[Aravind]

Love it! Wondering the reason behind the title ? and the need for brackets?

[Abdul Aziz]

There isn't usually much left to say after Shreyas reviews a poem! The wistfulness, the painfully evocative nature of this ephemerally short write is bound to touch a few hearts! Brilliant, brilliant poem. The only thing that I think doesn't befit it is the author's note!

[Audrey Howitt]

Truly lovely writing Hayley--very evocative and I like the image of white sugar dusting, sifting--and eyes that caught white fire--

[R J Askew]

Ach, the transitory nature of everything. All dissolves. I like white because I just do. Vibrant colours have their place but white and grey are nice default colours. Red, white and black is often a terrible combination though. But even they dissolve with time.