White

I am sugar 

I lingered on your tongue

For one second (too long) 

(But I swear your bright eyes 

 Caught white fire)

I sifted through your fingertips 

Like a dusting of snow

While you watched 

You forget about me

(As I try to forget about you)

Author's Note

I know it may need some work, but I had to get it out.

Reviews

[Augustus]

Oh Hayley! What an absolute pleasure to visit you again. There is so much charm in this poem. So beautiful. So gorgeous. You truly have an exceptional gift. And I am not saying this just for the heck of it. I really mean it.

I am sugar
I lingered on your tongue
For one second (too long)

Too short, because it was so good while it lasted. But too long, because it did not stop you from falling in love. I think even if you hadn't written more this would have been a great poem.

"Your bright eyes caught white fire"
I see surprise here. And anger as well, or resentment perhaps.

"I sifted through your fingertips"
This is so delicate. And so natural. You just move away before you even realize what's happening....

"Like a dusting of snow"
Snow is ephemeral. It never makes a permanent impression. There is pain implicit in this line I feel. Very delicate and subtle. Very feminine, as someone below has pointed out.

Perhaps there is more to it, but this in my opinion is the gist of it. It's very evocative. I'm still a little dazed by the magic of the first three lines. You are not sugar, Hayley, you are gold!

God bless you! Keep penning!

[Levi Levin]

Good, simple, and effective. I'm sure a few of us (hmm) can relate here..lol

[Jack...]

This was nice and intoxicating, though as the room spun I saw the light, of your disappearance.

[Taylor]

This poem is special, a treasure.

[Natasha]

short but sweet poem! Very descriptive

[zainul]

Simple yet complex,cool yet hot!
Very lovely piece.

[Dennis]

Great concept. How about this?


I am sugar
I lingered on your tongue
Too long
I sifted through your fingertips
Like snow
While you watched
I melted
'Til you forgot me

[The Analog Kid]

The brevity works well. Very well done:)

[Ubiquitous]

Wow, this is really good. It has more depth than one would originally assume, and you managed to pack alot of meaning and imagery into few words. The parentheses work well for you. All in all, a wonderful piece.

[*~*Butterfly Kisses*~*]

I think I like it the way it is. It shares a sense of emotion of being with someone who didnt quite love you back, or the end of certain relationship that has been broken. We move on from those relationships trying to forget one another. An intriguing write. Nicely done.

[chloe cruz]

I really liked this piece. It's really emotional and yet, almost hidden. I thought the imagery was really gorgeous: the vision of sugar dissolving, the taste of it's too sweet sweetness. And then... how that sugar disperses. Gone.