White

I am sugar 

I lingered on your tongue

For one second (too long) 

(But I swear your bright eyes 

 Caught white fire)

I sifted through your fingertips 

Like a dusting of snow

While you watched 

You forget about me

(As I try to forget about you)

Author's Note

I know it may need some work, but I had to get it out.

Reviews

[Augustus]

Oh Hayley! What an absolute pleasure to visit you again. There is so much charm in this poem. So beautiful. So gorgeous. You truly have an exceptional gift. And I am not saying this just for the heck of it. I really mean it.

I am sugar
I lingered on your tongue
For one second (too long)

Too short, because it was so good while it lasted. But too long, because it did not stop you from falling in love. I think even if you hadn't written more this would have been a great poem.

"Your bright eyes caught white fire"
I see surprise here. And anger as well, or resentment perhaps.

"I sifted through your fingertips"
This is so delicate. And so natural. You just move away before you even realize what's happening....

"Like a dusting of snow"
Snow is ephemeral. It never makes a permanent impression. There is pain implicit in this line I feel. Very delicate and subtle. Very feminine, as someone below has pointed out.

Perhaps there is more to it, but this in my opinion is the gist of it. It's very evocative. I'm still a little dazed by the magic of the first three lines. You are not sugar, Hayley, you are gold!

God bless you! Keep penning!

As everywhere there can be clues of a lover in things, or matters. To know, feel, remember, let in... and vice versa. A thought I have sometimes too! lovely you have discribed it.

[Just Jayren]

Fot it's lenght, this is beyond brilliant. This is a extremely clever piece of writing, the whole sugar concept works on so many levels. I'm in awe

[Joe Gardner]

this is beautiful. an emotive read. really imaginative. what i like most is that you had to get it out.

[I Shred This Cabbage]

interesting write. clear and feminine. nice structure too.

[Stammers]

(But I swear your bright eyes
Caught white fire)

that is such brilliant imagery! I can see eyes widening. Sorry I can't offer more, this is great. I like its quirk, you're definitely writing in new ways lately.

[emmajoy]

A different sense of emotion flowing in its own special way. Not sure about the parenthesises to be honest, maybe a little distracting but i think you want the words to appear as echoes to each individual thought.

The reference to sugar on the tongue is sensual, sweet, how very sad you felt rebuffed.

[Buniheart]

I really like this!! Very symbolic!

[Leslie Philibert]

Fine poem,with an original idea,well written

[An owl on the moon]

You mix and mingle such moving metaphors with a magic wand... stirring thoughts and feelings of passion's past and today's sorrows... You are so very unforgettable, my friend...