Significance Journal - 01.03.14

The point of my being here, is not a point of character, but simply a reality. Therefore who I am and will be, is dependent on my reality and to be honest with myself... Nothing more makes more sense than this. I have concluded I lack the ability to care of the direction I am heading in and so long as I am moving in a direction I will continue to rely on dialectics to build me.

It is only the beginning of this new epoch for me and I am loving it! It seems in the tangled mess of a life I once lived I forgot how to be fun and have fun. Though the reason is heavily debated in my mind as to why, it is fair to say that it was ultimately because of my unhealthy connection with her.

Last night (28th), was a different night... I strongly don't think I am ready for a relationship and it seemed for a night she thought so as well, however skipped a few stages ahead. I am so out of place at the moment in regards to this, but not in my typical mechanical way, it is almost... Fun.

I am also beginning to see the rewards of my efforts to tune my body physically, both by growth and acknowledgement. I am beginning to understand why people do look after their bodies and dress up in all weird assortments, it is as I knew it to be; A sexual dance, but also a means of enticing the needs brought by the dance itself, which I have not had the courage to explore until recently.

A new problem growing for me is work or study, this new life requires a fair bit of money, more than I make welding metals. I'm wondering if at this rate I can keep this progress as fluid as it is now or will it become stale... I don't want that!