Significance Journal - 16.2.14

She seems to be genuine in her affection towards to me, but I do not think I have developed enough.  Perhaps I should I should just give in, but my mind is not in the right place.  My patience will reward me, i'm sure of it.  

Still there is the occasional restless night, but I've noticed that my thoughts have shifted from loss to disappointment in myself.  I've been reading into the Guilt Complex and have struck continuously into the concept of development which only re-enforces my current aims; Although it has shaken my morality.

In coping, I've found keeping myself really busy of great use.  If i'm not chairing the executive,  at the gym, studying or working I am sleeping.  In contrast to my former self, I've never felt better/healthier.  This also has minimized contact with my mother, which I feel for now is best.

If things continue the way they are now, I might just end up in Charlestown after all. 

It is an odd thing to me, having no one guiding me anymore, no one to consult with other than with myself.  I don't think it is better, although I now have the benefit of realizing who I am; Faults and all, and straightening myself out.

A passing thought keeps crossing my mind, for what reason am I doing this all for?  Is it to be a better person?  Maybe to be a persons better person...  Or perhaps this is my twisted nature persisting to twist my nature.  Hopefully by the time my next journal entry is out, I would have had enough time to reflect and at least make sense of this conundrum and develop an answer.