Pandora

To you Panda

So I was at this park oh jeesh It was about 9 years ago. I was 15 turning 16. anyway. I was there with my friends java and pop when this girl, she had to have been like 9 (turns out she was 12 turning 13 but small for her age) came running toward us chasing after a freaking soccer ball. She looks pissed that the ball had run away from her and she looked determined to get it back. It was rolling toward me so I stuck my foot out and stopped it, picked it up and started bouncing it on my knee. The others smirked as the girl came up to us looking even more pissed. she stomped over to me and snatched the ball as I bounced it. I remember clearly what that girl said

"This is MY freaking Soccer ball don't Freaking touch it again DO YOU HEAR ME?" She yelled.

I just looked at her and was like whats a little 9 year old  Little Girl going to do to me? ( I was an a*****e back then.. still kind of am) I raised an eyebrow at her daring her to say something. and what do you know that little brat shocked the hell out of me. Instead of running away with her tail between her legs like I had hoped. she MARCHED up to me and SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE!(she didn't even flinch or gasp or get frightened by the scars that f**k up my face and eye!) If I didn't believe in hitting women she would have been toasted.

" I am thirteen years old thank you very much, and I am Not a Little Girl. Call me that again and You face wont be the only thing hurting." She said in like this dead serious voice that only a thirteen year old can do. I'm sorry but seeing her there with her hands on her hips the soccer ball in the crook of her arm red faces and glaring at me. I started to LUAGH. so did pop and java. Oh that did it. She called us all A******s and tried to storm off. I could tell she was trying not to cry. And something weird happened... I f*****g felt bad for upsetting her. And that NEVER happened!!!!!!!

So I ran up to her and grabbed her arm. She like yelped and when she turned to me I saw tears running down her face. "Look kid I'm sorry, what's your name?" She just looked at me and tried to yank her arm from me, I dropped it because I didn't want to hurt her. She said something about how why the hell should she give me her name when all I did was make fun of her. I mean here she was CRYING for f**k sake and STILL trying to be tough. Kind of reminded me of me.... She had fire she had a fierce determination to protect herself and prove to the world that things didn't get to her that she was tougher then she looked and that she would prove it some how. She wouldn't go down without a fight. I rubbed my face from the sting. I told her she didn't have to tell me her real name... She could give herself a nickname, I told her mine was Hawk and then I pointed to my friends and said that they were Java and Pop.. and that see we all had nicknames because we didn't want people knowing our real names unless we could trust them. I saw her taking this all in and then smiled shyly. Ook I had to admit it was a really nice smile... though her blue eyes are what got to me. I could see that fire in them. She looked at me and said. "Can I be Pandora? Like from Pandora's box? I learned about that in school." I was once again shocked.

HOLY HELL THIS GIRL WAS SO FREAKING INNOCENT!!!! I suddenly regretted talking to her. I had a fucked up life did I really want to taint hers? I did a mental freak out and saw as she got all concerned and nervous and started to chew the inside of her cheek. then that glare came back and she just huffed and started to storm away again.

I WAS HOOKED

here was this girl 3 years younger then me and she had so much fight and spirit in her. She was a tough brat that was for sure. And it hit me. She was the same age, had the same blonde hair and really blue eyes that my sister had (she died when she was 3). and BAM I knew.. I had to be friends with this girl. I had to Protect her from the harshness of the world. and I knew that the best way to do that was to just leave and let this little scene be the last she sees of me. But I was selfish. I wanted part of her world. So I did something stupid. I put my hands over my mouth and shouted at her.

"FINE You can Be PANDORA but I get to Call you PANADA!" I yelled to her. I saw her stop dead in her tracks before turning around to look at me and again that smile! She ran over to me and threw the ball at me. I took it and we went over to the others. I introduced them all and pop and her seemed to hit it off, the were only a year apart (he was 14 she was 13) they liked the same stuff had the same type of humor and it was well weird. I was jealous.

Turns out she had just gotten to the part and her brother and stepmom were over in the playground part. The four of us were on the soccer field or well in this little clearing in the woods NEAR the soccer field but could still be seen from the field. its weird to explain. But she quickly went to her step mom and I kind of tagged along behind out of sight and watched as she ran up to this black haired women who was pushing a little boy on the tire swing. I could hear from where I was her telling the women that she had met a few guys from her class who wanted to play and teach her soccer and asked if it was ok. The women said fine but to be careful and that she would come find her when it was time to go home. I smirked and this time not surprised. the brat had lied to her stepmom. we didn't want to teach her soccer and she lied about who we were. this girl had "Balls". She rand back over to where I was and smiled this like devil smile that damn even got me shivering.

she said how her stepmom would never approve of her hanging with me (and what came out of her mouth had me staring at her with my mouth open) what with my scary dangerous look and my "wicked cool scars" but she'd think they were evil or something and probably not let her anywhere near me and would take her home. I just looked at her. DID she just call my scars WICKED COOL? Panda looked at me and was like What are you staring at? I just shook my head and said nothing.

We headed back over to Pop and Java and we chilled in the little dug out clearing thing. We hung out for at least 2 hours.

That was the first day I met Panda. that was the day my life changed for the better. that fire in her became like a life line to me. We were friends for years I watched her grow up form that little kid to a bad a*s b***h (a complement and her words not mine). I taught her how to fight really fight and I taught her how to use tantos (Oh she LOVED THAT DAGGER) I treated her like a little sister but found myself falling in love with her before I realized it. I would take her on my jobs and take her out for IHOP. I tried to get her to be "good" but she would sneak out of her house to hang out with me. When she finally got a cell phone it made things easier. I introduced her to my other friends and turns out my friend Angel (nickname) was actually one of her best friends from another group. And damn did those two girls have chemistry they were making flirty moves to each other. it was slightly hot. But It made me jealous.

that girl didn't back down with calling me out on my bullshit and before I knew it she was tearing down the walls I had put up to guard myself. she would talk to me in ways that everyone else would skirt around and walk on tiptoes about. she brought up subjects that everyone else were terrified to ask me about. it was new and weird and scary.

I left her life when she was 15 and didn't come back till she was 19. one of the biggest mistakes of my life. it was because of my drug addiction. it was getting worse. I tried to get clean but I only ended up getting somewhat better. But I begged her to come back into my life to let me back in and she did. I swore on that day I would never leave her life again and that I would always be here to be her big brother.

But I fucked up....

I lost her again

and I am terrified that this time its for good.

I need her back in my life

she is still my burning candle I still need that smart a*s tough girl. I still need her in my life. I still need her as my sister. the only person I can truly open up to. without her in my life I am only half.

BUt I am terrified she will never let me back in.