a short story

This is intended to be a very random and funny story..

Once upon a time, in the barber shop next door to the “Y” I met a gas furnace. His name was Eggbert, why was his name Eggbert? I don’t know..Possibly because he was a mailman named Bert who sold Eggs on his spare time, then somehow bert was transformed into a gas furnace by the chicken fairies who dubbed him Eggbert..For his passion of eggs and his name, his name being Eggbert D. Collins of mississippi utah oregon, Jackeye street 1745 NWES dublin Ohio.

Anyways, this furnace called my name, by calling my name he uttered with vocal magnitude peaking gale purportions “Travis!!” and I said.. What light through yonder window breaks? or crashes through? whatever.. Eggbert said..No, thats what cow through yonder stable moo’s.. Interesting! I proclaimed! Tis True!! we shall declare a royal holiday! National Cow Mooing Day! Twill be July 3rd! July 3rd?? the gas furnace gasped, but that is the firework day! Our independence day!! “rubbish, that is July 4th, and speaking of fireworks how many times a day do you touch your toes?” “Step aside knave!” bellowed the sea captain, “we will be fixed upon the rocks if you don’t move this gas furnace over board, she must weigh nigh close to 400lbs!”

“How dare you!” exclaimed the gas furnace, “I weigh 398.94lbs! The nerve, the cheek, you, you! HOW DARE YOU! I shall complain! I shall take it before the magistrate of london newyork!! the nerve!”

anyways, in Japan they were dancing the tango, and along came a rabbit, whose name was Felice, she was a new comer to japan, and the texas rangers decided to have a night on the town, they went to the bar, and then to Ross, where they bought extravagent two-twos made of silk, but thats not even pertinent to our story, I was telling you about the time I won the kentucky derby with a spork and a piece of dental floss..Wait..maybe not, I think I was talking about a gas furnace.. Yes thats it, So the sea captain threw Eggbert overboard, over he went with a yowl of anger spewing ashes all the way..erm, actually gas furnaces dont have ash..so he was gassing all the way? No, thats gross. Lets erase that mental picture from our heads shall we? Picture a Unicorn in full bloom, while the sun shines down upon the chipmunks as they frolic with the brownies and kiwis down under... better? good. anyways the furnace sunk, “farewell bob” I cast into the wind, quite literally in fact, I had a very nice fishing pole, and that cast, well, it was a beauty, but thats not the point, the point is your grandmother has my shower cap, and I would like it back no matter how much she likes it for when her chimney springs a leak, I would be very grateful to have it returned.

Speaking of shower caps, the seacaptain grabbed the wheel with fierce determination, his defiant scowl was directed not towards the raging sea, but at the opera choir that has attached itself to the deck. “Purkins!” he bellowed, “get the Choir Extinguisher from below! we seem to have acquired an opera choir when we crashed through that last wave!” “Aye aye skipper!” Purkins punctually requited.. As Purkins went for the Choir Extinguisher I took a moment to remember our long lost friend Eggbert, whom I had grew quite fond of, but my thoughts were interrupted by a blood curdling scream issued from Purkins on the main deck. I ran towards the rail to look upon a sight so startling I had to momentarily avert my eyes and think of chocolate milk, as I recovered I witnessed the choir pick Purkins up and cast him overboard. The Choir was no regular opera choir, these were Russians! Purkins having unknowingly sprayed the choir in the thought that they were merely you average choir from middle school forgot to use a full dose of Choir extinguisher! The russians in a magnificent fury jumped upon him as I came to the rail, to this day I still have nightmares of russians in gay colored tights heaving poor Purkins into the abyss.

As the rangers came out of Ross a state policeman happened to glance there way and notice a green frog in one of the bags, as the rangers mounted there horses the policeman shot one, in the toe. The big toe. There was blood. And screaming. Plus some very colorful expressions that went something to the effect of “gol danged fruit cup blew mah weelcuttindollflapped toe off!”

The Seacaptain drew his mighty cutlass and with a defiant roar charged the russian group of vocal mayhem, as he ran off he dropped a small key from his pocket. It rolled to my feet, Actually keys don’t roll they bounce, not as a rubber ball bounces but as a rolling pin that was covered in butter having landed onto a floor covered in carpet bounces. Anyway the key was there, I picked it up. It was gold and it had inscribed upon the side such a romantic line I was forced to avert my eyes and once again conjur up an  image of chocolate milk but the romantic quality was to great, I was forced to resort to strawberry flavor...Having recovered I ventured to voice the oh so poetic line, It read..THIS IS MY GOLD KEY, HAND OFF KNAVES! Such caring you could see there, the way the “S” was curled on Knaves the feeling of love was palpable.

The rangers returned fire in the Ross parking lot, there six shooters blazing they charged the policeman, who rethinking his current position called upon the mighty Thor to come to his aid. The rangers shot the policeman. In the ear. With a bullet. There was blood. And screaming. Something to the effect of. “I knew I should have never believed in those avengers!”

I took the key below, below the noise and turmoil of the russians. Below the sounds of the raging ocean. Having reached the belowest part of below I snuck a peek at the key..on the other side it said, in such loving transcript I was forced to close my eyes and think of red lanyards..Having recovered I read, KEY TO MY CABINET. So, this was the captains personal key. To his personal cabinet. That never left his personal person. I thought to myself..Hello Las Vegas! no..wait thats not right. I thought, What lies in yonder cabinet? So having steeled myself to any thoughts of trouble I made my way to the Captains corders.

The Rangers having shot the policemen jumped into a baby stroller, they rolled down the highways of life always remembering to smell the roses....

The key clicked in the lock with such a sound, a sound compared to an angel yawning..So majestic and smooth. I reached into the depths of the Cabinet, what treasures would I find? what horrors awaited me? The sounds of the ocean and russians faded away into nothingness, It was me. Alone. with a cabinet. I whispered to the cabinet in a compassionate voice..”You stupid cabinet! You gave me a splinter!” My hands closed upon a parcel. I withdrew the parcel and I as I was about to peek into its folds I was startled to hear a tiny voice scream out with such raw fury I retreated behind a sea chest, for inside the parcel was the angriest irish leprechaun I had ever seen.. “Och! Pass me another whisky Paddy me lad! A true irishman could never have to much whisky! he bellowed as he swaggered around the floor.. As he was pacing I tried escaping out a the door but as I crawled to the portal I knocked my head on a lamp, why was there a lamp on the floor? I have no idea, but it was stupid. Plus it hurt my head. Anyways my head made a sound similar to a nuclear explosion involving coconuts. After expressing my distaste with colorful expressions I was startled to have a small red headed man trying to wrap his hand around my throat. “Och! Ya big giant of a louse! I gotcha now! I will slit yer throat fer lockin me in yonder cabinet!” The little man cried as he drew a small needle from his belt. “get off me you!” I exclaimed as I flicked the little man off onto the floor. “Och! you’ll pay fer that scruffneck! I am Fergus O'Sullivan! The last O’Sullivan of the O’Sullivan tribe of the O’Sullivan nation in the O’Sullivan family! on yer knees where ye belong scoundrel!” I was taken aback by such fury I tripped. Over a lamp. That was on the floor. And I hit my head. Again. It hurt.

As I layed there cursing people that put lamps on floor Fergus started laughing.. Hysterically.. “bwahahbeof*snort*hahah! Ya big oaf! ye fell plumb down on yer behind!” As he was laughing his little head of I managed to right myself and grab the little man, “Och! hands of an O’Sullivan! I will have ye thrashed, whipped even! beaten to a pulp and then boiled in hot chocolate!” as Fergus thrashed about in my hands I was taken aback to see the seacaptain burst threw a window followed closely by several russian, as they fought fergus and I watched in awe. The seacaptain, in full beserker mode grabbed the russians and with a mighty roar threw them all overboard.. “Och, that be the louse who locked me in yonder cabinet!” exclaimed Fergus, “Oy! Captain man over there! Ye fancy yerself a fightin man? Put up yer dukes! I am an O’Sullivan! The Last! I challenge you to a batt-” I clamped my hand over the little mans head.

As Felice started eating carrots the Japanese stopped Tangoing and stared incredulously at the small bundle of fluff who was eating there sacred carrots..”EYYACOOOSAIII!!” they screamed as they rushed Felice. The seacaptain stared at me with blood thirsty eyes.. “what was that Knave?? I could have sworn I heard an irish lad! Where is he?” “Rían�"FlannagáinDiarmaidMacMaolDáire” I mumbled. “whats that knave?? Irish Gaelic?? Where do you know that accursed language from knave?” Um, Im taking Irish Gaelic 101 for dummies Captain..Its just a..um. Hobby..?” The Captains brow knitted into such a line you would have thought a squall line had decided to perch on his forehead..For a second I heard the voice of a TV news announcer.. “And if we look over here we have a cold front moving in above the right eye, but as we can see the left eye seems to have some very turbulent air above it, we should be expecting foul weather all this week” “I ASKED YOU A QUESTION KNAVE!!” the captain, barely centimeters from my face bellowed..”What was it you said?” “I ASKED WHAT YOU HAD IN YOUR HAND!!” That? “Oh, thats a rat I found under your bed sir” I said looking unconcerned. The squall line increased in its squalliness. “what were you doing under my bed knave?” the captain asked, his voice suddenly calm.. “Um, well, you see the russians..they, scared me, Im allergic to choirs, so I hid under your bed..and I found a rat” The squall line turned into a tornado within a hurricane within a volcano. “allergic? ALLERGIC TO CHOIRS?? GET OFF MY SHIP KNAVE!!!”

Felice ran. She ran like never before. Everyone runs like never before when they are being chased by raging japanese. As she ran she thought of a gas furnace she used to know....

The water was cold. Very cold, the type of cold that penetrates every pore, every crease..it froze my stubble right off. I tread water and watched the ship sail away into the dusk...I heard a noise..it seemed like someone angrily drowning..That is, someone drowning that was angry about it..I looked down to see the little O’Sullivan trying desperately to stay above the surface. “Och! I can’t swim!” the little man shrieked.
The little man started climbing my shirt, he reached my shoulder and perched, shivering like a little half drowned parrot..As I tread water a random log randomly hit me in the face..I said “ow, what the heck is a random log doing out in the middle of the ocean randomly floating round?” “Who cares! Get on!” Fergus yelled.

We rode the waves. On a log. Me and the leprechaun. We floated for days..The fire dimmed down in the little mans temper, and soon we were grand old buddies, we sang irish songs and once, Fergus attempted a jig which sent us both into the water. Logs aren’t very good for irish jigging. Anyways, there we were, floating in the middle of the ocean when a random whale came up, and said “sup dudes, need any help there?” I exchanged shocked looks with the leprechaun, “Och! did that whale of a whale just call us dudes?” the little man said flabbergasted.. “It would appear so” I said. The whale once again hailed us, “dudes! I saw your jigging! pretty rad moves bro! I wish I could jig as groovy as you two!” And so we became fast friends with the whale, who’s name was Andromena Quentin, the raddest of all rad whales. He took us cool cats to his pad in Sydney, Australia..where we lived happily ever after, down under...The End

Author's Note

ignore terrible grammar