San Diego

As we drove to San Diego, we were driving by the water. The water looked so peaceful. Waves coming in slow motion. I wished I could be like the ocean; the waves. It was the total opposite of my life. No peacefulness, no slow motion. Just total chaos, short amount of time.

            As Anthony was driving, I closed my eyes wondering how our lives would be different. No sickness. No fights. No treatment. No death sentences. Just living. No one dying. Just life. Rebirth. PEACEFULNESS. No more counting or wishing or wondering or hoping.

            I opened my eyes. When I looked at Anthony, he actually looked like the waves. Fluid motions, peaceful.

            “Why do you look so peaceful?” I asked.

            “You’re with me.” He said simply.

 

            He had a face like he understood the question and knew the right answer. He just wanted to put humor in it. But he knew he had told me this many a times. “I’m dying”, “I’m at peace”, “Ready to go but you’re going to be so sad”.

            At that moment, I thought he made a good enough choice to not answer it ‘correctly’.

            I let that conversation go and closed my eyes to go to sleep.

            I woke up and I was in a bed with blue sheets. I looked out the window and the sun was about to set. It was a beautiful orange and pink when it touched the mountains.

 

 

 

 

 

For an entire year, after Anthony choked. Sorry, being disrespectful. Passed away, every night that same sunset would show in the sky right outside my window, hitting the mountains. I would talk to the sunset like it was talking back to me. When the black sky and stars came out, I saw our star. If I didn’t see it, that would be the night I would lie on his side of the bed, where he used to sleep, inhaling his scent he left on my bed, and cry myself to sleep.

            And when his scent wasn’t on his side of the bed, and when I knew it was no more, I didn’t cry that night. I finally grieved his passing. And that was the first time I actually didn’t feel numb. That’s why my heart broke instantly and actually started crying knowing there was a purpose for it. Grieving helped. And so did the stars and the sunset to let me remember the love of my life, Anthony.

 

            I stayed in bed until the night sky and the star came out. I saw our star but when the clouds covered it, I went out of the room to go to the living room. I saw Anthony on the couch watching and laughing. It was nice to see him that way. This made me happy. But I knew when he went, I wouldn’t get to see him smile or laugh and that smile didn’t show on my face again for that day.

            I sat right next to him on the couch and watched TV with him. Of course we were laughing because we loved how people could be so stupid. It was great!

            All of a sudden, he muted the TV and looked at me weirdly.

            “What?” I said and I felt my forehead crease.

            “You slept for a long time.” He just said without explaining his observation. He looked calm, collected. I wondered what he was thinking.

            “And?” I asked confused.

            “Are you ok?” he asked.

            “Yeah, I was just tired. I’ve been tired.” I knew it was a lie though. I hadn’t been tired. I did what I did every night wishing and hoping but I knew he was getting weaker, dying. Every second closer and closer to death. I knew this but it was still new to me.

            We watched five episodes of Ridiculousness and then turned off the TV.

            He pulled me off the couch and went to the car and drove.

            “Where are we going?” I asked.

            “The San Diego Zoo.” He said happily.

           

            When we arrived, we got our tickets and went inside.

            We went and saw the birds, the monkeys, the big cats, hippos, elephants, etc.

            Then we were alone in the little area that was near the birds. He just grabbed me and kissed me. He hadn’t kissed me in a long time so I wanted more. Craved more.

            Sadly, we left the zoo and went back to the hotel. I turned on the TV and saw Ridiculousness was on again and started to watch.

            Yet again, my mind started to wonder again. I realized, even though I had told him to not count the days, I didn’t care about myself. So that day, I started counting with my fingers. I started subtracting. Five more months to go…hopefully…

           

            When I went to Belmont Park and when I went to Six Flags, I realized my life was more like a roller coaster than the ocean. With ups and downs and tight turns. It was not a solid line where everything was perfect, nothing was wrong, no chaos. But of course, no one’s life was like that. No straight lines. No perfection in life. When you’re up on a hill, you have to come down some time. Thanks to gravity. Ha-ha.

            I let my thoughts leave my brain.

            “Hello? Abby…” I heard a familiar voice. I guess I was zoning out when I was comparing my life to roller coasters.

            I shook my head and looked at Anthony. “Yeah?”

            “You checked out for a little bit. Are you alright?” he asked.

            “Yeah, I’m fine.” I shook my head yet again. “Sorry, I was just zoning out.”

            He nodded. Anthony and I get on the ride and rode in the way back. For once, I was excited to go on a roller coaster.

            I was right. My life was a roller coaster…

 

 

 

 

            After he died, I was numb. That was it. There was one word to describe how I felt and that word was numb. But, there was another emotion I felt. Even though, I was numb, deep down, I knew it was boiling up inside me. And that word was anger. Pure anger. I still counted the months, but, it was different. I counted how many months it was when he died and the side effects that went along with it. But I still had that one word that was in the back of my mind. Why. That was the only one I had and asked myself. But for the longest time and ‘til this day, I still ask it.

            But I still don’t have the answer. No one has answered me yet.

            March, April, May, June…All theses months passed. All I did during that time was sleep, talked to the sunset and our star, acting like it was talking to me, ate when my parents told me to, and stayed in his room for long periods of time.

            Everything hurt. It was like I was sore from my brain to my gut if that even made sense. If that’s even possible.

            When he was alive, my life was like a roller coaster; no straight lines.

            I was wrong about that; how people didn’t have straight lines in their life. My life actually turned out to be a straight line. Filled with only numbness and isolation.

            For a whole year, I was numb. It was when our star went away one night was when I did cry. And it was the first time I cried in months. The last time was when he died. I didn’t even cry at his funeral. That was when it started. The numbness…

            After a year, I started talking to my parents.

            But I still had a straight line of denial, loneliness and anger.

            I still had that one word that was in the back of my mind. Why. That was the only one I had and asked myself. Over and over and over again. But for the longest time and ‘til this day, I still ask it.

            I still don’t have the answer. No one has answered me yet. Not even God…