Woo Baby and Disneyland

It had been a week and I couldn’t stop thinking about that night when Anthony was messing with my pants. I started wondering if that was what he wished for.   

            But I quickly got that out of my mind.

            We went into the car and started driving to Disneyland. Disneyland was always our favorite place to go. 

            When we were almost there, I looked at him in the driver’s seat and he looked so composed. Content. Calm. I just smiled at that fact how he wasn’t anxious, shaking all over the place, counting the days or minutes we had left even before we found out it was terminal. We both relaxed.

            We finally got there and we didn’t know which ride to go on first. It was like we were little kids again with our parents. So, we decided to go on Pirates of the Caribbean.

            Anthony and I were in line when a little girl asked him why he didn’t have hair and why he was so white and skinny.

            “Honey, leave the young man alone. I’m so sorry.” The mom said, afraid her daughter was being disrespectful.

            “Oh no its ok.” Anthony said looking at the mom. “I don’t have hair and I’m very skinny is because I’m sick.”

            “Like a cold?” the little girl asked confused.

Anthony shook his head. “It’s not like that. This sickness needs treatment in order to help me stay healthy.”

            “Where’s the sickness?”

            “It’s in my stomach. Right here.” Anthony held the little girl’s hand and showed her wear the ‘sickness’ was.

            “Is the treatment working?”

            He looked at me. I knew he wasn’t going to lie to the little girl. “Not as good as it used to be. Its warring out.”

            “Oh. So you’re going to die. Aren’t you?”

            I looked away because I didn’t want her to see the tears that were in my eyes.

            “How old are you?” Anthony asked with a smile.

            “I’m six.” She showed him with six of her fingers.

            “You are very smart. And yes, you are correct.”

            Her mom looked at me and we met each other’s eyes. I saw her mouth ‘I’m sorry’. I just nodded my head and turned away.

            “I’m sorry.” The girl said and looked straight into his eyes.

            He picked her up. “I’m ok. Ok?”

            “Ok.” She said with a smile.

            “It’s your turn, sweetheart. You better go.” He said with a smile.

            She kissed him on the cheek and went into the boat with her mom.

 

            After that, I never saw the little girl again..

 

            It was finally our turn and we were both excited. We screamed when we went down the hill and took pictures of everything. We took a picture together and I pushed him slightly.

            “What was that for?” Anthony asked.

            “You took a picture without my consent.”

            “So?”

            I knew why he was doing it. “Saver the memories.” He just nodded.

            We got off the ride and started looking for other rides to go on. Then Anthony dragged me up the road and when I looked to my right, there it was. The number one roller coaster I never wanted to go on when I was there. California Screaming.

            He just looked at me with a mischievous look. “Fine.” I said.

            We were waiting in line and some kids and teens started looking at him and whispering. It seemed to me that Anthony didn’t care. I knew he didn’t. He would look at them and turned away like he knew they were talking about him.

            Why did people look at him weirdly I always asked myself. They looked at him like he was an alien from Mars or something. They didn’t look at him like he was a human being.

            Anthony wanted that. To be looked at like a regular, healthy human being. But he wasn’t. Deep down inside, he knew he wasn’t but he wanted people to see him as that. I saw him as that. Other people didn’t.

            Even though, Anthony didn’t care, I cared. How they looked at him differently and whispered. He was still a human being who was just sick. But he was still a human being like all of us were.

            But some people didn’t look at him like he was an alien. Some people looked at him with sadness and pity. I could see in their faces, when they looked at me, I could tell they felt sorry for me too. I guess they could also feel we were together. It was calming, but at the same time, sad how when they saw him, they knew he had cancer. But they still looked at him the same. But they just looked at him and I with sadness in their eyes like they were saying sorry that this happened to him. And to us too how he was going to die and I was still going to be around alive on earth.

            Anyways, when I was done with my overwhelming thoughts, we were in the car and we were putting the safety rings around our neck and stuff.

            In about five seconds, we were already going up the first hill and when we dropped, I started to regret why I went on this damn thing. But when I looked at Anthony, he was having such a great time. And I realized, so was I.

            We got off the ride. Which seemed like twenty minutes even though it was much shorter that.

            We had lunch and we went on almost all the rides until it was night time and we had dinner.

            When we were done with dinner at the Rain Forest Café, we were leaving, but he was just smiling at me like I was goddess.

            “What?” I asked. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

            “Because you’re beautiful.” He said.

            I knew when he complimented me, I knew there was something up. “What do you want?”

            “Why do you think there is something that I want?”

            “Well, when you compliment me just out of the blue, I know you either want something or want to ask me something.” I turned to him so we were both looking at each other. “Ok, come out with it. What do you want?”

            He sighed. I knew he wanted something. He sighed yet again and looked past me. I looked where he was looking and looked straight back at him.

            I walked away with my head looking down at me feet. Anthony caught up to me and started pulling on my arm.

            I looked up and I was a few feet away from the stage where people sang and where there was a live band or a player thing if the band didn’t know the song.

            Anthony looked at me with humor in his eyes.

            “No, no, no. I’m not singing.” I told him.

            “Why not?”

            “You know I don’t sing in front of people anymore.”

            “I know because you never thought you were good enough. You lost your confidence. You were on your middle school choir and you are now on your high school choir singing all these solos. Just get up there. Pretend it’s one of your performances for school. I’ll be standing right here. If you get nervous, just look at me.”

            I nodded. “Ok.”

            “Anyone want to get up here and sing their heart out?!” the announcer said at the CD stand.

            Everyone cheered and started looking around the room. I told Anthony I was going to get some water.

            I turned around and saw this girl flirting with Anthony. I walked towards him and he looked at me.

            “Umm, I have a girlfriend.” Anthony told the girl.

            “I don’t see her around.” The girl said. “So I guess I’m in the picture now.”

            “Turn around. You’re looking at her.” I told the girl.

            She turned around and she looked like a common Cali girl. Blonde hair, blue eyes, fake tan, big b***s, crop top, short shorts, and too much eye make up for anyone to adore her.

            “Wow, what took you so long? He was being lonely. I was about to scoop him up and have him.”

            “Over my dead body.”

            I saw everyone circle around us and looking at us. Anthony was looking around too.

            “Abby, just calm down.” Anthony said.

            “Oh, Abby, that’s your name. It sounds like the name belongs to a dog.”

            I looked at her with my death glare and when I pushed her to the ground I stood right on top of her. “Don’t you dare insult my name you ratchet skank.” The announcer heard us and he jumped from the stage. “What’s the hold up here?”

            “She was flirting with my boyfriend.” I said.

            “She wasn’t here to save the day until two minutes ago.” The Cali girl said.

            “I thought you were going to sing.” The announcer said looking at me.

            As soon as he said this, the girl and Anthony looked at me in shock. I looked at Anthony and nodded with a smile. I looked at the girl with an arrogant smile.

            “I was going to sing too.” The girl said.

            I saw her posy come behind her.

            “She’s really good.” One of the girls said.

            “She’ll beat you to the ground.” Another girl said.

            “We’ll see about that.” I said.

            The girl and I walked up to the stage and she was going first. She picked her song, which was ‘Before he Cheats’ by Carrie Underwood.

            I thought to myself how it was a good song. Needed a pair of lungs to sing that but I was game.

            “Your turn,” the announcer said.

            “Pretend it’s ok by Little Mix.” I said. The solo I sung at my high school performance before school let out.

            “Break a leg.” I said. She looked at me when I said this. “ No, really, actually break a leg.”

            She scowled at me and went on stage. I watched her and I was impressed. She did know how to sing. But I could tell something about her voice which was very different. When she sang her high notes, it was forced. I figured it out.

            She had singing lessons for years. That was why she was this good. For me, I didn’t need singing lessons. At least that was what my mom said. I had one lesson but the teacher told me the same thing. How I didn’t need any lessons and how I had a gift for singing.

            So I’ve sung ever since. Since I could talk I always remembered singing.

            She was done and everyone clapped for her.

           

            It was my turn. I went up to the stage and the crowd gave a round of applause for me. I waved at the crowd and walked up to the mic.

            I pointed at the announcer to play the music. I knew I had to start singing right away.

            I started to sing…

            ‘What would you do?

            What would you say….’

 

            I was done and everyone was silent. Then ten seconds later, they started applauding and went up to the stage to talk to me.

            Asking me where did I learn how to sing like that or telling me I was really good.

            When I went off the stage, the girl just scowled at me and walked away.

            “You were amazing!” Anthony yelled and picked me up.

            “Thanks! It was awesome!”

            “I know you love to sing so this was your chance.” He told me.

            I nodded. We decided to go home since it was already eight and we knew it was going to be a long drive.

            I drove us home and when we got to the house, I just smiled at myself. I forgot how it felt to sing in front of a live crowd. That rush…I loved that. It was amazing. That was why I loved to sing.

            We went to our room and put on our pajamas. Anthony walked to me and planted a kiss on my forehead while holding me close to him.

            “You were amazing, Abby.” Anthony got the hair out of my face to look at me.

            “Thanks.” I said. What could I say? Was there more I had to say? I was lucky to get one word out of my mouth while a handsome and shirtless man was holding me. I even forgot to breathe!

            He kissed me. I kissed back. When we started getting out of hand near the bed, I stopped us.

            I kissed his cheek. “Not tonight.” I said.

            He nodded and we both fell asleep.

            But my mind kept wandering. I started to wonder if that was his wish. To get all touchy touchy with me one night.

            I started to think if I even had the guts to go along with it. But I knew I wasn’t ready yet. Physically, yes. But emotionally…no. If we did do it, I was going to be fully emotionally attached to him. And when he was going to die, I didn’t want it to make it any harder that it already was. If we did do it, we would have not just a physical bond but an emotional bond or something if we had that. It would be different. It would change.

            Of course I want him, but the thing is that I’m seventeen….he’s eighteen turning nineteen soon…hopefully turned nineteen.

            I guess I wasn’t ready emotionally yet. But when that night comes, I would soon realize I would be ready to move to the next level in order to love him that way. To show my love for him in that way.

            After those horrifying thoughts drifted away, I slowly fell asleep peacefully without any trouble. Knowing, I was safe in my mind and knew in my mind Anthony wasn’t sick.

 

           

 

            What I knew then was that denial was helping me when I was going through this. Thinking he would get better. But deep down inside, I knew it was false. After he died, the denial swept even harder, like a tidal wave filing my body with hatred and self-pity. It took me a couple of months for the denial to come to a halt. It was my defense mechanism. Thinking everything was ok. Pretending it was ok. But I knew it wasn’t. But what I know now is that it takes time to heal these kinds of wounds…